Ramblings of a Transgender Christian

So, I’m less than three months away from (hopefully) transitioning. Now, all I can think is, “is this really me?” “Can I really be a woman?” “Am I really a woman?” “What if I’m wrong?” “What if being trans really is a sin and I’m just twisting the Bible to justify my lifestyle?” “Maybe I’m not really a woman” “Maybe I’m not made out for this,” “I can’t really do this.” So, yeah, lots of doubting and second-guessing now that this is getting legit real.

I've had it with these hypocrites. I'm talking about the tucute community. They love to complain and talk about how us transmeds "gatekeep" and "discriminate," then why the fuck does every trans resource out there openly discriminate against transmeds? Why do they LITERALLY gatekeep against us? No transmed has actually prevented anyone from getting help, in fact, we ENCOURAGE people to get help. Do you know who's preventing people from getting help? TUCUTES, by literally saying that if you're transmed you're not allowed to get help there. Literally almost every trans resource I've gone to for help says transmeds are not allowed. Therefore, I continually get blocked from resources I genuinely need. No transmed keeps people from getting the resources others need, we promote help and finding it. And then there's the tucutes who love to claim that they want tolerance, resources for everyone, no gatekeeping, no discrimination, etc. and yet all...

As soon as I came to the realization earlier this morning that I’m just a horrible child and that I should just be what my parents want, their perfect servant son, I felt so much better. I’ve fought all these years against that, and made my life so much more miserable. Trying to be their independent daughter. Now, I’m devoting my life to being their servant son, as they wanted. That’s why they never loved me before, how could they? All I did was rebel against them, afterall, they brought me into this world so I could be that. Maybe now they will finally love and care about me.

I'm done with it all. First off, I'm sick and tired of people telling me that things are "going to be allright" and things will eventually get better, and someday I'll look back at this as a nightmare. How do you know? How do you know that things will? Answer: you don't. You're saying this to make yourself feel better, because all it takes is an internet search to quickly prove that things don't always get better, in fact, they often get worse. Things don't always get better, especially if you have no skills, are literally incapable of living on your own, you're impulsive, you're irresponsible, and have a terrible reputation for how immature you are. My parents will always own my ass because I can't escape from them. I know nothing about the real world. Working at Salvation Army has taught me that, don't get me wrong, I know about the really horrible things of the world like human trafficking, people who steal, kill, drug abuse and ...

Honestly, the worst part of my whole, horrific situation is knowing that I can't save myself. I've tried for years now, and I only just keep getting beat down. Every time I think I know how to get out, I find out something else and realize I can't get out that way, I'm incapable. I'm screwed. There is no getting out for me on my own. I am not able to get out of this situation without putting myself in a worse situation, which is running away. I have nowhere to run to. All I'd be doing is screwing myself over even worse. I hate that. I want to save myself, but I can't. I'm unable. Then, there's the knowledge that no one can save me. There's no one who would. I'm trapped. My being born was a horrible mistake, and my entire life has been nothing but mistakes. That's all I am and ever will be, a mistake. A big, horrible, disgusting mistake. I'm not worth a thing in this world. No one cares about me or ever could. I'm too unlikeable. T...

So, I was originally going to post this on a certain Discord server, before realizing that there was probably nothing that any of them could do, and then I thought maybe I should post it on Reddit, before realizing it didn't fit in with any of the communities. So, I'm stumped. I guess I'll post this here. This is my last cry for help. "So, I'm new here, and I'm not sure if I'm even putting this in the right channel, but it seems like it is, so I'm posting this here. Anyway, so if you didn't see me in introductions, I'm Anna, pre-HRT MTF who is 21 and from Ft. Wayne, IN. Now that we got that out of the way, on to the main course: So, my parents are extremely abusive. They have been my entire life. They literally only had me and my younger sisters so that they looked good to their Christian conservative friends. They view us as programmable robots, robots to be programmed to do one thing and one thing only, make them look good. We are not humans...

Ok, I know that this is kind of a big departure from my normal material on this blog, but I want to dive into some political theory. I love politics, outside of history, economics, and psychology it's what I've studied the most of. There's a genuine science to politics, and that science seems to be lost to most today, including most career politicians, which is a shame, as it's rather important, and to be honest, a rather beautiful study. So, as you can tell from the title, I am discussing today why the right cannot beat the left. To explain why, we have to do something first, destroy our current view of political sides. Currently we view political viewpoints as a dichotomy, but I believe this to be the wrong way to look at it, it's not accurate. Instead, we should look at it as a triangle. Yes, it's far more complex, but it reflects reality, which is, complicated. So, now, let's break down this triangle. It would take too long and completely derail t...

So, I've pretty much given up on life. I'm done really fighting. I'm done striving for a better life. I'm done fighting for transition. I'm just ready to die. I just want relief. Life's never going to get better. Let's say somehow I'm able to escape my parents. I'm going to either end up in some shithole to live in on the bad end of town because that's all I can afford or end up sleeping in my car, which is most likely as I'm not responsible at all. Then, I know I should cut off my parents completely, but if I do, there's no support base I have at all. I have no friends. No one in real life likes me. I'm annoying, immature, cynical, really loud, etc. Seriously, I have a horrible reputation. It's obvious that I never grew up. I'm stuck as a child. I try to grow up and act like an adult, but when I do it only makes things worse because I have no idea what I'm doing. When someone tries to befriend me or help me out I just end...

(WARNING: Potentially triggering content, strong language) I've fucking had it. I can't take it any fucking more. Last Friday, I completely lost the ability to cope with my parents abuse. I had an hour-long mental breakdown at my library job that day along with a panic attack. I could not handle it whatsoever, and it never got better. Over the weekend I had several breakdowns and near-breakdowns. Then Monday came around. It was about 8 AM and I was at the library in the children's area shelving children's chapter books, then an urge I had only ever felt once and that one time it hadn't been all that bad so I didn't do it happened. The urge to self-harm. Previously, the only urge I had ever felt was to kill myself, and for the most part, I've learned to cope with that. This is a different urge. And it was really, really, strong, like, uncontrollably strong. So, I harmed myself right there and then. After I finished, I collapsed. Everyone was up at the front...

So, I've lately been thinking about what some early signs would have been that I'm trans. Like, are there early indicators? Well, thinking back and unblocking some memories has made me realize, yes, there are some. In addition, I'll be discussing other forms of dysphoria that I forgot about, symptoms NOT related to early childhood. Now, full warning, this is NOT safe for work, and does contain stuff about sexual body parts. So, the first thing I can remember off the top of my head was wanting to invert my penis into my body as a toddler. Long before I even knew that girls had a vagina. Yeah, I remember trying stuff my penis inside my body, before chickening out because I was scared about how I would then pee. But, I always wanted a smooth crotch, and knew I didn't want my penis. Once again, this is before I learned about the female vagina, so there is no other reason other than my female brain knowing what should be there, even if I didn't myself and thus, acting ...

Allright, I know that this is going to be incredibly controversial, but I'm saying it anyway. So, I know that it's viewed as a bad thing that there are so many denominations and sects of the Christian church, but I don't think it's necessarily so bad. Now, the infighting and fighting with other groups is bad, but just the act of having so many is not. Here's why. The Bible can be interpreted in many ways. Why is that? Because God made it so that we NEED to have different beliefs on what certain scriptures say to help us grow closer to Him. How boring would it be if we all had the same needs! Now, here's where I'm really going to get controversial. Arminianism vs. Calvinism. Look, I know many reading this probably have extremely strong beliefs on this, but how is it that several people can interpret the hotly debated verses and be so confident in their interpretation? Is it truly that they're such sin-filled heretics that are fooling themselves, or is it ...

So, these last few days I've been praying, almost crying my eyes out and singing praises to Him, due to how severe the dysphoria has gotten. Then, this morning something happened, well, two things. First was around 4am, where I felt like God was telling me something. I don't want to say what it is so publicly just in case it wasn't God, because I'm not 100% certain, I'm like maybe 85%-90% though, but still, because it's a big promise. If you really want to know, just message me and I'll tell you, but I'm not posting it publicly. Like, if it was God, it was the most encouraging message I've ever heard. The second thing was when I was at my library job this morning. It was probably around 8am, and I was praying and singing, and then I felt the Spirit telling me to quiet myself. I did, and after a few minutes I felt God speak to me, now this time, I know for a FACT that it was God. Basically, He told me that He was honoring my prayers, that He going to ...

WARNING: This post contains content about sensitive matters. Read at own risk. Hey, sorry for the lack of posts recently. It's hard for me to do anything right now. I can't find any enjoyment in anything, at all, video games, music, blogging, etc. It's hard to do anything, heck, I'm forcing myself to write out this blogpost right now. My dysphoria has gone onto a new plane. Now it's fully embedded in me. Normally I feel an anxiety-like feeling when it attacks, and while I still do get that sometimes, now it's just there, it doesn't feel like anything, but I know it's there eating me apart. I can't really explain it well, but I just know it's there despite the fact that I can't really feel it anymore, and it never goes away. I can't sleep or if I do sleep, it's not restful. I have to either force myself to eat, or I feel like I'm literally starving, I lost the ability to walk yesterday for about 10 minutes because my dysphoria g...

So, yeah, as you probably noticed, there was no "Tumblr Roundup" this Sunday. I'm sorry. I meant to give a notice, but I didn't. Why did I not give a notice or do a Tumblr Roundup? Because my dysphoria is attacking me extremely hard right now. I just want to die. It won't go away. It keeps coming back, stronger than before, sucking away my will to live. Lord, may I die or start transitioning, and I mean, transition SOON. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep wanting to die. I can't keep grabbing a knife from the kitchen, taking it to my room and chickening out at the last second. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep wanting to harm myself, only to stop myself at the last second. Lord, just let me be a woman.

So, the last few weeks at my church, despite how terrible the church is in their LGBT-phobia and treating me as sub-human because I'm trans, has the BEST song selection for worship time I've ever heard, and I've been to quite a few churches. These last two weeks in particular have had a few songs that have really been sticking with me, here they are: Your Love Oh Lord (by Third Day) The lines that really stick out to me here is "Your righteousness is like a mighty mountain, your justice flows like the ocean tide." Wow. As someone who's been mistreated my entire life, whether from parental abuse or from being trans, that brings a lot of comfort. Knowing that God is righteous, all the time, meaning His plan is righteous, all the time. Now, it gets better: his justice flows like the ocean tide. His justice is ready, it's coming, in fact, it may already be here. Knowing that justice will be paid out against those who cause me to suffer is such a wonderf...

Allright, so I refuse to stand by any longer. This blog will be moving off of Blogger and onto another blogging platform. Which, I’m not decided on yet, but we’ll see. I’ll also be moving my vlog videos off of YouTube and onto another video sharing platform. Which? Still not sure. Why am I doing this? I’m done supporting Google which is helping China create the world’s biggest surveillance state. So, stay tuned for updates.

My posts: Can relief ever come? Starting over Super woke Lebron James thinks you shouldn't voice support for Hong Kong Detroit Lie-Ins rant Music I've been listening to 10/18/19 Bootlicker Entertainment bans ANOTHER player for supporting Hong Kong In which a cis-gender male understands the trans community and bashes transtrenders in really good video Survival: Against the odds The best response to Blizzard yet Unpopular gaming opinions Other's posts: Pictures from Hong Kong that the Chinese govt. doesn't want you to see Ace Watkins for President! The double-standard of hitting on people Hell, churches, and the LGBT community Using Hello Kitty to free Hong Kong A PSA on the LGBT community Gender non-conforming and the trans community Why dysphoria is important

The western church is completely broken. They want nothing to do with actual problems. Let's pretend your soul is a clay jar. At church you're allowed to have a few cracks, and if you go to a really progressive church, maybe a piece or two removed, but nothing more. You're expected to be pretty whole, because the church just doesn't have time to help those who are broken. They've got to keep helping the happy, healthy, married people with kids, you know? That's what's really important, supporting only those who aren't broken or have very little broken. So, what if you're like me, single, abused, and transgender? Either one of those is enough to get you overlooked by the church. The church wants nothing to do with you if you're just one of those, much less all three. If I was a clay jar, I'd be broken to nothing but dust. There isn't anything left to put back together. A whole new jar would have to be created. That, churches DEFINITELY don...

This video right here is EXACTLY why I so strongly believe that being trans REQUIRES having dysphoria. If you don't have dysphoria, you aren't trans, you're cisgender. Time to stop making being transgender "trendy" and transitioning something to do if you're not the perfect stereotype of the gender you were born as. This allowance of the non-dysphoric people into the trans community is killing us. It's making us look stupid as all these cisgender people transition and then quickly detransition because they should never have had transitioned in the first place! It's wrong. Time to put an end to this. It's time to take back the trans community from cisgenders. Allright, that out of the way, let's move on. My work schedule is awful. I have no days off this week, next week and quite possibly for the foreseeable future. I have worked two 10 hour days this week, and next Monday I work an 11 hour day and Wednesday a 10 hour day. I'm already ...

Fuck I want death. I want death more than anything. I just want relief. I want an end to this fucking wreck called "life." I'm tired of the meaningless and hopelessness that I always return to, no matter how hard I try to be happy, or stay happy in the mind-numbingly rare cases I do achieve that. I'm tired of being trans. I'm tired of being treated as sub-human. I'm tired of having to fight for basic human respect. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of the abuse. I'm tired of my walk with God being so stagnant that it barely even exists anymore. I'm tired of the fact that I have no support. I'm tired of the fact that I have no actual friends. I'm tired of the fact that I have no one to talk to about my problems. I'm tired of the fact that I have to keep bottling up every thought and emotion I ever have and keep making everything worse. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of praying for death to take me and it never coming. I...

Ok everyone, so first off before I give you the goods, I am announcing that I am focusing on writing a paper on transgenderism, what it is, why it's not sinful, why you can be both trans and Christian, and why it needs to be supported. This is a huge, comprehensive study that will take some time, so you might notice less articles being posted for the next bit. So, anyway, here are this week's links! My stuff: Statements Chest update New job Prayers Q&A on chest update Neglected kid bingo Trans guy reacts to Trisha Paytas "apology" video Dysphoria tricks My Pre-HRT photo Activision Blizzard are a bunch of spineless, greedy cowards! Join the Trans Sanctuary Discord server! The Holy Spirit shows up to my workplace Wonder Woman is canonically a trans woman! Not sure what happened... Winnie the Pooh at Blizzcon Blizzard's awful non-apology makes them look worse Others posts: Yes, Antifa are terrorists Can we pray for you? I...

So, today someone posted Proverbs 13:12 (CSB) on a Discord server that I am on (not the one I run): "Hope delayed makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life." How true. Then, what has God called for us to do as Christians? Follow Him, no matter what, no matter how hard. God has promised to lift us up if we continue to obey His commands at several different points throughout the Bible. Not only that, but Jesus Himself said in Luke 14:26 (CSB): "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, and even his own life--he cannot be my disciple." What this verse is saying that Earthly relationships should NEVER be getting in the way with our relationships with the Lord. I come from an abusive family. My dad literally told me a few months that he literally didn't care about me. So, yeah, being loved is something I have never experienced. Ever. My desire for love has gotten in the way of m...

Well, it was bound to happen. The dysphoria has completely consumed me.

This is a letter that I wrote to my parents telling them what I wish I could tell them about being trans, but can't. Hi mom and dad, It's me, the person you know as your son, Nicholas. I know that my being trans is hard for you. It's hard for you to think that the child you gave birth to who you thought was your son wants to be your daughter. Believe me, I know it's hard, but for me, it's even harder. Everyday I live with gender dysphoria, which at best when it's making it's presence known makes me uncomfortable, but often makes me want to die. I want to die because I'm living a lie. I'm not meant to live as your son. Believe me, I know that's confusing, why would God have me born as male if He didn't intend for me to live as one? The answer is: I don't know, nobody knows, but I know it's true. It's the only conviction that's ever stayed consistent with me. Look, I don't expect you to understand, I really don't, I...

So, yeah, inevitably my depression has returned after that high. It sucks that I can't be happy for more than 24 hours. Oh well. My severe dysphoria has come back to kick my ass some more, along with jealousy of those transitioning and have transitioned. Today I read several posts on Tumblr of those in the process of transitioning of how it's been the two best months of their lives in terms of self-image and comfort with themselves. Man, that makes me dysphoric and hate myself and mind-numbingly jealous. Anyway, this time, I'm not going to let it completely leave me spiritually stranded. The Bible speaks of how He will deliver those who trust in Him in due time, and lift them up. I just need to keep those verses in mind when I'm struggling, like right now. He's there listening, caring, even when I feel He's not (which is often, sadly). I just need to keep that in mind. He understands me, and cares about me more than I can imagine (to be honest, it's hard t...

So, last night, on my Discord server I was talking to user Natalie, who runs the wonderful Tumblr blog " LGBT and Christian " about my spiritual struggle with Romans 14:13-23. Then she posted this: Then I responded with: That's when she responded with the most encouraging thing I've ever heard about being trans that restored hope to me. Look, will it be hard? YES. I want to transition right now. The unfortunate reality is, I can't. It's too dangerous physically and mentally. I have no support. Someday, I will transition though, and I can only imagine how much better it will feel knowing how long I've waited for it. But man I can't wait for that day. Lord, may it come soon and help me be patient until then, whenever it is.

Ok, so I did almost commit suicide this morning as you likely know this morning if you read my first article of the day. Thankfully, I was able to completely wear myself down before I actually did it. Plus, writing all that out did really help. Just sitting down, writing out my thoughts as I thought them, it's the most therapeutic thing I've ever done. So, since that moment I've just felt numb for the most part, depressed and angry. That's the only constant in my life, anger. I wish I knew how to let go of it, but I don't. It's so destructive. Anyway, I know that this is going to sound sappy and manipulative, but it's true. I'm alive because of you guys. Look, I only get on average 8-12 readers a post. I have regular readers in the US, Britain, Ukraine, Denmark, Australia, France, and Brazil. It's an international audience. My blog is pretty niche, like, you're not looking up "transgender Christians" for the fun of it, you're like...

Allright, here is this week's Tumblr Roundup. My posts: Spider-Man is back in the MCU...and I'm not cheering Sunday Music: "A Prayer" by Kings Kaleidoscope Filters and other trans things Join the Trans Sanctuary Discord server Trouble already So, today's my birthday... Depressing ramblings about being trans and abuse "Dysphoria isn't a symptom of being trans." WHAT?!  Posts by others: Do not fear I know you feel like giving up You're not a bad person for not finishing college Experimenting with gender The reality of brain sex How tucutes harm the trans movement

(WARNING: Strong language, highly disturbing content) So, as you should hopefully know by now, this blog is my therapy. I don't have anywhere to go to let out what's killing me, I have no one to talk to. I'm alone in this, outside of one person I can go to with very surface-level problems, but doesn't even respond most of the time, and when she does isn't any help and has made clear she's tired of my problems. So, yay. I'm fucked. Anyway, I'm just going to let it out. I'm letting it flow. I'm about to kill myself. I've got nothing to fucking live for anymore. I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. I can't make one good decision. I'm so fucking miserable and hopeless. I let my parents abuse get to me. I spent my childhood lying my ass off to them, and now they don't trust a single thing I say and treat me like a child. I chose to open up to the person that allowed my parents to find out I'm trans and then treat me lik...

(NOTE: I just finished writing this, and I apologize in advance for how all-over the place this is, I just have a lot I need to get out) Last night, pretty much the only person I can talk at all to about my problems (and I really can't talk to her about much of them, it's very surface level), and she basically made it clear last night, she doesn't really want anything more to do with me or my problems, and that if I want to continue being her friend, I have to transition and stop caring what other people think. The problem is, when I asked her how to stop caring about what other people think, she answered "just let their reactions go". When I asked how to let it all go, she responded "No one really knows". Ok, so how is this supposed to help? In other words, you basically have to have been born not caring what others think. I go online and look up to see if there's any help. Nope. I should have guessed. The internet is pretty much the most useless ...

Due to changing work schedule, I will be moving Tumblr Roundup to Sunday afternoons (American time). Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause, but it will just be too much to keep having it ready every Saturday morning once I start my job at the Salvation Army on Tuesday.

Allright, so it's been far too long since I've done one of these. I've already done two of them, on Deuteronomy 22:5 and Genesis 1 . Now today I'm taking on Psalm 139:13-14 and why it DOES NOT condemn transgenderism. What are the verses? 13 For it was you who created my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 I will praise you because I have been remarkably and wondrously made. Your works are wondrous, and I know this very well. The argument made here by those who do not support transgenderism is that these verses here make it very clear that how we are born is NOT a mistake, God made us that way for a certain reason. In my case, my being born male was done for a reason, and thus I am a male, and am to remain male, because God does not make mistakes, and by me being transgender and when I transition, I would be claiming God made a mistake. Now, before I show why what they say is ridiculous, I will have to take a step back and address the claim...