The Worst Part

Honestly, the worst part of my whole, horrific situation is knowing that I can't save myself. I've tried for years now, and I only just keep getting beat down. Every time I think I know how to get out, I find out something else and realize I can't get out that way, I'm incapable. I'm screwed. There is no getting out for me on my own. I am not able to get out of this situation without putting myself in a worse situation, which is running away. I have nowhere to run to. All I'd be doing is screwing myself over even worse. I hate that. I want to save myself, but I can't. I'm unable. Then, there's the knowledge that no one can save me. There's no one who would. I'm trapped. My being born was a horrible mistake, and my entire life has been nothing but mistakes. That's all I am and ever will be, a mistake. A big, horrible, disgusting mistake. I'm not worth a thing in this world. No one cares about me or ever could. I'm too unlikeable. There's a reason everyone keeps their distance from me. I don't blame others for not wanting to be around me, I don't like being around myself either. I'm a mistake. No wonder God keeps punishing me. He keeps punishing by refusing to let me die and making my life get worse and worse. Then, when I pray to Him, He turns His ears away, and leaves my presence. It's getting hard to believe He's truly there at times. It literally feels like I'm talking to air much of the time, except for when I pray for others. If I'm praying for others, I don't feel that, it's only when I pray for myself. It's clear. Even God doesn't care about me. I'm useless to Him. I missed my chance. I was supposed to have transitioned long ago, and I missed my chance. God made some promises to me in the past, but honestly, I feel like that those promises are either gone now, I've missed my chance for some of them, and the ones still intact are quickly fading. I'm literally losing out on all of God's promises. All because I'm too scared of how much worse my abuse will get. My life will be nothing but misery. At this point, in these what are hopefully the last days of my life, all I care about is helping those who still have a life left. Who still have a chance at living life. My life is over. God has already told me that my life will be extremely hard, and if I don't start living His life soon, it will be nothing but suffering. I missed out. I disobeyed God. Now all I hope to do before I die is help get others who haven't get in a place where they can obey God and live life. All of this because I'm scared of worse abuse and because I refuse to trust God wholeheartedly. I'm scared to trust Him. Therefore, I screw myself over.