A Post
So, I was originally going to post this on a certain Discord server, before realizing that there was probably nothing that any of them could do, and then I thought maybe I should post it on Reddit, before realizing it didn't fit in with any of the communities. So, I'm stumped. I guess I'll post this here. This is my last cry for help.
"So, I'm new here, and I'm not sure if I'm even putting this in the right channel, but it seems like it is, so I'm posting this here. Anyway, so if you didn't see me in introductions, I'm Anna, pre-HRT MTF who is 21 and from Ft. Wayne, IN. Now that we got that out of the way, on to the main course: So, my parents are extremely abusive. They have been my entire life. They literally only had me and my younger sisters so that they looked good to their Christian conservative friends. They view us as programmable robots, robots to be programmed to do one thing and one thing only, make them look good. We are not humans to them, especially me, being the oldest in the family and having been born male. To them, I'm their chosen servant. They'll let my sisters free to get married and have kids, but they have raised me specifically to be completely, 100% dependent on them so that I serve them the rest of my life, especially into their old age. They will do anything to ensure I never move out. And the scary thing is, they've done a brilliant job at it. I am incapable of moving out. I cannot survive out on my own.
Then, there's me being trans. Yeah, if you couldn't guess by who their friends are, they're Christian conservatives. NOT fans of the LGBT community at all. My dad was one of the pastors at a church that taught that 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, Boston Bombings, etc. all happened because "we let the gays out of the closet." So, when they found out I'm trans by snooping around, finding my journal, and reading it, they accused me of being a pervert, actually being gay instead, etc. Then they sent me to trans conversion therapy for two long, horrible years that I have completely erased from my memory. There is literally nothing of those two years that I can remember, nor would I want to. What I can remember is the aftermath, Christmas of 2016, where I was so mentally broken, like, I was so literally paranoid that I wouldn't go to sleep because I truly believed that my family was going to rape and kill me as soon as I fell asleep. Of course they wouldn't actually do it, but that's how badly mentally broken down I was at the time.
Since then, my parents have opened up a little to the trans community, as they finally have gotten it through their heads that it's not a choice, but still consider it to be sinful. They have told me that they would let me transition, but that they would have full control over it, and I would have no say in anything, and would force me to come out to everyone (family and "friends" (I have that in parentheses because they're really not, they're people I hang out with just to keep up appearances), all who hate the LGBT community even more than my parents, like, they literally want us dead) immediately, in their way. In addition, they have made it clear that they will make my life even (more) miserable if I were to do so. So, yay, but sadly, because of the fact that I could not surivive out on my own, I honestly feel that this is the only way I could ever transition, which is why I'm so beyond scared to, but I know I have to. My male body hit it's expiration date a LOOOOONG time ago. All I feel is dysphoria, extreme anxiety, suicidal depression, etc. My life is beyond miserable at this point. I know I'm living a lie, and I cannot cope with that anymore. The very first thought that I have, even before opening my eyes on the vast majority of mornings is "I should kill myself." I have been suicidal for six long years now, and my dysphoria has been so severe to the point of affecting my physical health since about February or March of this year. I often have a hard time walking, talking, eating, sleeping, or even going to the bathroom because the dysphoria is so strong, so much of the time.
So yeah, at this point, I've lost hope completely. I have no friends. I am known by everyone, family, "friends", co-workers, people at my church, etc. for being extremely immature, really loud, cynical, sarcastic, or the exact opposite side which is depressed, obviously attention seeking, cynical, and nihilistic. No matter what, I'm an unpleasant person to be around. So, I have no one I can go to, or run off to so I can escape my parents, or just any irl support at all. Add that to my family being so abusive, I don't have anyone to live for, knowing that no one cares about my existence and that if I were to die no one would really care, that does wonders for me when suicidal (yes, I'm being very sarcastic. It makes it extremely hard to not kill myself). I have no passions, nothing that I care about at all. Even the things that once brought me joy, like video games feel dull and lifeless. I don't care anymore. Heck, the only reason I even buy them anymore is because I'm extremely impulsive, which is another thing that makes it near impossible to move out, I have no impulse control. If I want it, I'm getting it, even if I have to wait a bit. It's so destructive and has screwed me over so many times in so many ways, but I just can't help it, I have to give in.
I just feel that I have nothing to live for. I've honestly given up completely at this point. I've given up trying to move out, I've given up trying to escape my parents, period. I've given up trying to transition, because it will only cause so much pain, despite the fact that I know that I will only ever be able to live if I were to do so, but honestly, all I truly desire at this point is death, so I do hope it kills me off. I've given up on trying to have friends, I've given up on trying to get mentally healthy, I've given up on having a happy life. I'm given in, I've submitted myself to my fate, my parent's slave unless I kill myself. I can't save myself. I've got no fight left in me. I've got nothing left to give this world, this world that has made itself very clear in not wanting me. I'm done. I'm giving in, and hope that I die soon, very soon."
"So, I'm new here, and I'm not sure if I'm even putting this in the right channel, but it seems like it is, so I'm posting this here. Anyway, so if you didn't see me in introductions, I'm Anna, pre-HRT MTF who is 21 and from Ft. Wayne, IN. Now that we got that out of the way, on to the main course: So, my parents are extremely abusive. They have been my entire life. They literally only had me and my younger sisters so that they looked good to their Christian conservative friends. They view us as programmable robots, robots to be programmed to do one thing and one thing only, make them look good. We are not humans to them, especially me, being the oldest in the family and having been born male. To them, I'm their chosen servant. They'll let my sisters free to get married and have kids, but they have raised me specifically to be completely, 100% dependent on them so that I serve them the rest of my life, especially into their old age. They will do anything to ensure I never move out. And the scary thing is, they've done a brilliant job at it. I am incapable of moving out. I cannot survive out on my own.
Then, there's me being trans. Yeah, if you couldn't guess by who their friends are, they're Christian conservatives. NOT fans of the LGBT community at all. My dad was one of the pastors at a church that taught that 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, Boston Bombings, etc. all happened because "we let the gays out of the closet." So, when they found out I'm trans by snooping around, finding my journal, and reading it, they accused me of being a pervert, actually being gay instead, etc. Then they sent me to trans conversion therapy for two long, horrible years that I have completely erased from my memory. There is literally nothing of those two years that I can remember, nor would I want to. What I can remember is the aftermath, Christmas of 2016, where I was so mentally broken, like, I was so literally paranoid that I wouldn't go to sleep because I truly believed that my family was going to rape and kill me as soon as I fell asleep. Of course they wouldn't actually do it, but that's how badly mentally broken down I was at the time.
Since then, my parents have opened up a little to the trans community, as they finally have gotten it through their heads that it's not a choice, but still consider it to be sinful. They have told me that they would let me transition, but that they would have full control over it, and I would have no say in anything, and would force me to come out to everyone (family and "friends" (I have that in parentheses because they're really not, they're people I hang out with just to keep up appearances), all who hate the LGBT community even more than my parents, like, they literally want us dead) immediately, in their way. In addition, they have made it clear that they will make my life even (more) miserable if I were to do so. So, yay, but sadly, because of the fact that I could not surivive out on my own, I honestly feel that this is the only way I could ever transition, which is why I'm so beyond scared to, but I know I have to. My male body hit it's expiration date a LOOOOONG time ago. All I feel is dysphoria, extreme anxiety, suicidal depression, etc. My life is beyond miserable at this point. I know I'm living a lie, and I cannot cope with that anymore. The very first thought that I have, even before opening my eyes on the vast majority of mornings is "I should kill myself." I have been suicidal for six long years now, and my dysphoria has been so severe to the point of affecting my physical health since about February or March of this year. I often have a hard time walking, talking, eating, sleeping, or even going to the bathroom because the dysphoria is so strong, so much of the time.
So yeah, at this point, I've lost hope completely. I have no friends. I am known by everyone, family, "friends", co-workers, people at my church, etc. for being extremely immature, really loud, cynical, sarcastic, or the exact opposite side which is depressed, obviously attention seeking, cynical, and nihilistic. No matter what, I'm an unpleasant person to be around. So, I have no one I can go to, or run off to so I can escape my parents, or just any irl support at all. Add that to my family being so abusive, I don't have anyone to live for, knowing that no one cares about my existence and that if I were to die no one would really care, that does wonders for me when suicidal (yes, I'm being very sarcastic. It makes it extremely hard to not kill myself). I have no passions, nothing that I care about at all. Even the things that once brought me joy, like video games feel dull and lifeless. I don't care anymore. Heck, the only reason I even buy them anymore is because I'm extremely impulsive, which is another thing that makes it near impossible to move out, I have no impulse control. If I want it, I'm getting it, even if I have to wait a bit. It's so destructive and has screwed me over so many times in so many ways, but I just can't help it, I have to give in.
I just feel that I have nothing to live for. I've honestly given up completely at this point. I've given up trying to move out, I've given up trying to escape my parents, period. I've given up trying to transition, because it will only cause so much pain, despite the fact that I know that I will only ever be able to live if I were to do so, but honestly, all I truly desire at this point is death, so I do hope it kills me off. I've given up on trying to have friends, I've given up on trying to get mentally healthy, I've given up on having a happy life. I'm given in, I've submitted myself to my fate, my parent's slave unless I kill myself. I can't save myself. I've got no fight left in me. I've got nothing left to give this world, this world that has made itself very clear in not wanting me. I'm done. I'm giving in, and hope that I die soon, very soon."
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