Encouragement. Mental Health Help On the Internet. (HAHAHA)

I'm done with it all. First off, I'm sick and tired of people telling me that things are "going to be allright" and things will eventually get better, and someday I'll look back at this as a nightmare. How do you know? How do you know that things will? Answer: you don't. You're saying this to make yourself feel better, because all it takes is an internet search to quickly prove that things don't always get better, in fact, they often get worse. Things don't always get better, especially if you have no skills, are literally incapable of living on your own, you're impulsive, you're irresponsible, and have a terrible reputation for how immature you are. My parents will always own my ass because I can't escape from them. I know nothing about the real world. Working at Salvation Army has taught me that, don't get me wrong, I know about the really horrible things of the world like human trafficking, people who steal, kill, drug abuse and crap like that, because I've been surrounded by that my entire life. I mean, the simpler, not as dark, horrific stuff. I was basically mocked for not knowing anything about alcohol, I came to realize I know nothing about bills, living on your own, doctors, insurance, etc. Stuff you need to know live out on your own. I know nothing. I have no skills or ability to live on my own. My manager asked me about dating, and I quickly realized I know nothing about dating or anything "romantic." My parents made sure I could never get married so they could have strict control of me, so they taught me literally nothing about anything that I could use in a relationship. Which makes sense seeing that it's impossible for me to have friends, but I never made that connection till then. My parents made sure that I could never get out from under their control unless I ran away, something I can't do unless I want to put myself in a worse position, because where on Earth could I run to? Nowhere. I've got nowhere or anyone to run to. They own me. The more I try to deny it and fight to get out, the more I can't escape that realization. I don't want it to be true, but the more I find out about what I don't know, the more I realize it's true. I'm screwed. I don't have any hope left, it's too painful to have hope. It's too painful to keep fighting. I need relief, NOW. I don't have any real reasons left to live, outside of not wanting my sister's to get abused worse, but even that reason is falling apart. I have no passions in life, nothing I'm striving after anymore. Either my parents or my depression have knocked those out of me. I'm not even striving after transitioning really, as I know it will only bring more pain. Besides, I'm hoping to either get killed or kill myself soon anyways, so hopefully I won't even need to transition.

I mean, I technically could transition while living with my parents, they said I can. The problem is, they also told me that they will have strict control over my transition. Do you really think that highly abusive, controlling, narcissistic parents who view you as a programmable robot who isn't a human who is on this Earth for the sole reason of making them look good, are going to do anything to actually help me through it. NO. In fact, they've made it very clear that they will make my life a living hell (as if it isn't already) if I were to transition. They would force me to come out immediately to everyone, in THEIR way, not mine. And yeah, immediately as well. Before I even start transitioning or meet with a therapist. They will not give me the support needed and let's be honest, if that kind of abuse is happening due to transitioning, is transitioning even worth it? I doubt it. Then again, maybe it is, it will only solidify that I'm not really worth anything as a human being. I'm a worthless piece of trash who tortures my family with my very existence. I've got nothing to live for. I have no actual future. I'm a stupid kid with miserable grades in school, still has to have my parents force me to sort of, kind of, clean my room and brush my teeth, who throws temper tantrums every now and then, makes excuses for everything, never comfortable anywhere, says inappropriate things or at least says things that shouldn't be said in that particular circumstance. I'm the one who cuts off conversations before I mean to online because I don't understand written or verbal cues that everyone else naturally understands, and thus loose much needed help.

Then, there's the people who tell me "I've been in your shoes," or "that was me," you know, crap like that. It's honestly infuriating. It's not helpful. I just feel angry reading that shit. I makes me feel worse about myself. It makes me hate myself more. Especially because it always comes from people who don't know me in real life. Not helpful at all, because, like, seriously, you don't really know me, like, at all, so please shut up.

Now, then there's another whole beast, mental health help on the internet. There are so many articles claiming to help you get over depression, teach you to not hate yourself, etc., etc. What a bunch of horse poop. The articles are completely unhelpful, if not destructive. All they boil down to is "just be happy." Thanks, NOT. I'm reading this article to LEARN how to be happy, not to just be told "be happy." All of these articles were written by mentally healthy people who never had a serious struggle in their lives for other mentally healthy people who never had a serious struggle in their lives. It's angering, depressing, and frustrating.