Ramblings of a Transgender Christian

To those I know in real life and online, I want to apologize. I want to apologize for how self-absorbed I am. I want to apologize for how attention seeking I am. I want to apologize for how depressing I am. I want to apologize for how I burden you with my problems. I want to apologize for how I push you all away, either by being too clingy or by being generally unpleasant or by straight-out ignoring you. I know I am an unpleasant person to be around, I am about as far removed from being a person you want to hang-out with as you can get. I am sorry. I want you all to know, I am trying. I know it often, ok, probably all the time, looks like I'm not, and I'm just oblivious to my behavior. Honestly, there are some things I am probably oblivious to, and even more than that, I admit, often times, while I'm in the act of doing so, I am oblivious to how my actions and words come across. Other times, I do know how they're coming across, but I cannot stop myself, due to how ing...

I've had it with these hypocrites. I'm talking about the tucute community. They love to complain and talk about how us transmeds "gatekeep" and "discriminate," then why the fuck does every trans resource out there openly discriminate against transmeds? Why do they LITERALLY gatekeep against us? No transmed has actually prevented anyone from getting help, in fact, we ENCOURAGE people to get help. Do you know who's preventing people from getting help? TUCUTES, by literally saying that if you're transmed you're not allowed to get help there. Literally almost every trans resource I've gone to for help says transmeds are not allowed. Therefore, I continually get blocked from resources I genuinely need. No transmed keeps people from getting the resources others need, we promote help and finding it. And then there's the tucutes who love to claim that they want tolerance, resources for everyone, no gatekeeping, no discrimination, etc. and yet all...

(WARNING: Potentially triggering content, strong language) I've fucking had it. I can't take it any fucking more. Last Friday, I completely lost the ability to cope with my parents abuse. I had an hour-long mental breakdown at my library job that day along with a panic attack. I could not handle it whatsoever, and it never got better. Over the weekend I had several breakdowns and near-breakdowns. Then Monday came around. It was about 8 AM and I was at the library in the children's area shelving children's chapter books, then an urge I had only ever felt once and that one time it hadn't been all that bad so I didn't do it happened. The urge to self-harm. Previously, the only urge I had ever felt was to kill myself, and for the most part, I've learned to cope with that. This is a different urge. And it was really, really, strong, like, uncontrollably strong. So, I harmed myself right there and then. After I finished, I collapsed. Everyone was up at the front...

So, I've lately been thinking about what some early signs would have been that I'm trans. Like, are there early indicators? Well, thinking back and unblocking some memories has made me realize, yes, there are some. In addition, I'll be discussing other forms of dysphoria that I forgot about, symptoms NOT related to early childhood. Now, full warning, this is NOT safe for work, and does contain stuff about sexual body parts. So, the first thing I can remember off the top of my head was wanting to invert my penis into my body as a toddler. Long before I even knew that girls had a vagina. Yeah, I remember trying stuff my penis inside my body, before chickening out because I was scared about how I would then pee. But, I always wanted a smooth crotch, and knew I didn't want my penis. Once again, this is before I learned about the female vagina, so there is no other reason other than my female brain knowing what should be there, even if I didn't myself and thus, acting ...

Allright, I know that this is going to be incredibly controversial, but I'm saying it anyway. So, I know that it's viewed as a bad thing that there are so many denominations and sects of the Christian church, but I don't think it's necessarily so bad. Now, the infighting and fighting with other groups is bad, but just the act of having so many is not. Here's why. The Bible can be interpreted in many ways. Why is that? Because God made it so that we NEED to have different beliefs on what certain scriptures say to help us grow closer to Him. How boring would it be if we all had the same needs! Now, here's where I'm really going to get controversial. Arminianism vs. Calvinism. Look, I know many reading this probably have extremely strong beliefs on this, but how is it that several people can interpret the hotly debated verses and be so confident in their interpretation? Is it truly that they're such sin-filled heretics that are fooling themselves, or is it ...

WARNING: This post contains content about sensitive matters. Read at own risk. Hey, sorry for the lack of posts recently. It's hard for me to do anything right now. I can't find any enjoyment in anything, at all, video games, music, blogging, etc. It's hard to do anything, heck, I'm forcing myself to write out this blogpost right now. My dysphoria has gone onto a new plane. Now it's fully embedded in me. Normally I feel an anxiety-like feeling when it attacks, and while I still do get that sometimes, now it's just there, it doesn't feel like anything, but I know it's there eating me apart. I can't really explain it well, but I just know it's there despite the fact that I can't really feel it anymore, and it never goes away. I can't sleep or if I do sleep, it's not restful. I have to either force myself to eat, or I feel like I'm literally starving, I lost the ability to walk yesterday for about 10 minutes because my dysphoria g...

So, yeah, as you probably noticed, there was no "Tumblr Roundup" this Sunday. I'm sorry. I meant to give a notice, but I didn't. Why did I not give a notice or do a Tumblr Roundup? Because my dysphoria is attacking me extremely hard right now. I just want to die. It won't go away. It keeps coming back, stronger than before, sucking away my will to live. Lord, may I die or start transitioning, and I mean, transition SOON. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep wanting to die. I can't keep grabbing a knife from the kitchen, taking it to my room and chickening out at the last second. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep wanting to harm myself, only to stop myself at the last second. Lord, just let me be a woman.

The western church is completely broken. They want nothing to do with actual problems. Let's pretend your soul is a clay jar. At church you're allowed to have a few cracks, and if you go to a really progressive church, maybe a piece or two removed, but nothing more. You're expected to be pretty whole, because the church just doesn't have time to help those who are broken. They've got to keep helping the happy, healthy, married people with kids, you know? That's what's really important, supporting only those who aren't broken or have very little broken. So, what if you're like me, single, abused, and transgender? Either one of those is enough to get you overlooked by the church. The church wants nothing to do with you if you're just one of those, much less all three. If I was a clay jar, I'd be broken to nothing but dust. There isn't anything left to put back together. A whole new jar would have to be created. That, churches DEFINITELY don...

This video right here is EXACTLY why I so strongly believe that being trans REQUIRES having dysphoria. If you don't have dysphoria, you aren't trans, you're cisgender. Time to stop making being transgender "trendy" and transitioning something to do if you're not the perfect stereotype of the gender you were born as. This allowance of the non-dysphoric people into the trans community is killing us. It's making us look stupid as all these cisgender people transition and then quickly detransition because they should never have had transitioned in the first place! It's wrong. Time to put an end to this. It's time to take back the trans community from cisgenders. Allright, that out of the way, let's move on. My work schedule is awful. I have no days off this week, next week and quite possibly for the foreseeable future. I have worked two 10 hour days this week, and next Monday I work an 11 hour day and Wednesday a 10 hour day. I'm already ...

Fuck I want death. I want death more than anything. I just want relief. I want an end to this fucking wreck called "life." I'm tired of the meaningless and hopelessness that I always return to, no matter how hard I try to be happy, or stay happy in the mind-numbingly rare cases I do achieve that. I'm tired of being trans. I'm tired of being treated as sub-human. I'm tired of having to fight for basic human respect. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of the abuse. I'm tired of my walk with God being so stagnant that it barely even exists anymore. I'm tired of the fact that I have no support. I'm tired of the fact that I have no actual friends. I'm tired of the fact that I have no one to talk to about my problems. I'm tired of the fact that I have to keep bottling up every thought and emotion I ever have and keep making everything worse. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of praying for death to take me and it never coming. I...

So, yeah, inevitably my depression has returned after that high. It sucks that I can't be happy for more than 24 hours. Oh well. My severe dysphoria has come back to kick my ass some more, along with jealousy of those transitioning and have transitioned. Today I read several posts on Tumblr of those in the process of transitioning of how it's been the two best months of their lives in terms of self-image and comfort with themselves. Man, that makes me dysphoric and hate myself and mind-numbingly jealous. Anyway, this time, I'm not going to let it completely leave me spiritually stranded. The Bible speaks of how He will deliver those who trust in Him in due time, and lift them up. I just need to keep those verses in mind when I'm struggling, like right now. He's there listening, caring, even when I feel He's not (which is often, sadly). I just need to keep that in mind. He understands me, and cares about me more than I can imagine (to be honest, it's hard t...

Ok, so I did almost commit suicide this morning as you likely know this morning if you read my first article of the day. Thankfully, I was able to completely wear myself down before I actually did it. Plus, writing all that out did really help. Just sitting down, writing out my thoughts as I thought them, it's the most therapeutic thing I've ever done. So, since that moment I've just felt numb for the most part, depressed and angry. That's the only constant in my life, anger. I wish I knew how to let go of it, but I don't. It's so destructive. Anyway, I know that this is going to sound sappy and manipulative, but it's true. I'm alive because of you guys. Look, I only get on average 8-12 readers a post. I have regular readers in the US, Britain, Ukraine, Denmark, Australia, France, and Brazil. It's an international audience. My blog is pretty niche, like, you're not looking up "transgender Christians" for the fun of it, you're like...

(WARNING: Strong language, highly disturbing content) So, as you should hopefully know by now, this blog is my therapy. I don't have anywhere to go to let out what's killing me, I have no one to talk to. I'm alone in this, outside of one person I can go to with very surface-level problems, but doesn't even respond most of the time, and when she does isn't any help and has made clear she's tired of my problems. So, yay. I'm fucked. Anyway, I'm just going to let it out. I'm letting it flow. I'm about to kill myself. I've got nothing to fucking live for anymore. I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. I can't make one good decision. I'm so fucking miserable and hopeless. I let my parents abuse get to me. I spent my childhood lying my ass off to them, and now they don't trust a single thing I say and treat me like a child. I chose to open up to the person that allowed my parents to find out I'm trans and then treat me lik...

(NOTE: I just finished writing this, and I apologize in advance for how all-over the place this is, I just have a lot I need to get out) Last night, pretty much the only person I can talk at all to about my problems (and I really can't talk to her about much of them, it's very surface level), and she basically made it clear last night, she doesn't really want anything more to do with me or my problems, and that if I want to continue being her friend, I have to transition and stop caring what other people think. The problem is, when I asked her how to stop caring about what other people think, she answered "just let their reactions go". When I asked how to let it all go, she responded "No one really knows". Ok, so how is this supposed to help? In other words, you basically have to have been born not caring what others think. I go online and look up to see if there's any help. Nope. I should have guessed. The internet is pretty much the most useless ...

So, I decided to redesign this blog and my Tumblr blog, make them look a bit better. I recognize that this blog still doesn't look great, but it's the best I could do. Plus, it has more stuff now. Also, I'm starting up a Discord server and secret Facebook group. What should the name of those be? I need suggestions! In addition, I'm rebooting my YouTube channel. I wasn't enjoying what I was originally doing, so now I'm focusing on vlogging with it. Anyway, that's all I wanted to say.

So, I've been thinking this a lot lately, and the thought is, "do I owe it to others to NOT transition?" Here's my thought process on that: as Christians we are called to build one another up, not be stumbling blocks and help guide each other into a deeper connection with the Lord, and not harm the other. My transition would only deeply hurt others, in fact, in some cases, just the knowledge that I'm trans hurt others, especially my family. So, as a Christian, do I owe it to them to not transition to not deepen the hurt? There's nothing about transitioning that would be building others up, in fact it would be the opposite. On the other hand, I do believe that not transitioning does hurt me physically and spiritually. So, I know what the response would be for those pro-trans, "if it's hurting you spiritually, do what's best," and I would agree, if it didn't cause more harm spiritually for more people. You see, it's a Catch-22. Am I o...

First off, I want to thank you all for sticking with this blog. "But, Anna, this blog has only been around for a few months, why are you saying this already?" Well, the noble-sounding reason is that I really appreciate you guys, or girls, or whatever else you identify as (and I do). The real reason is that despite the fact that the number of those who consistently read my blog is still in single-digits, I somehow have made it to the first page of  "Trans Christians" when you search on Yahoo, Bing, and DuckDuckGo. Not there yet on Google, but I am on the others, and that's apparently how a few have found me recently, and I truly do thank you all for this. Now, while this is a bit of a celebration, this is also a bit of a downer for me, and here's why. This just goes to show how few resources are actually out there for transgender Christians. The fact that my blog that literally only has a few hundred visits in it's ENTIRE LIFETIME is on the front page of ...

As I reflect on my life (which is pretty much all-the-time, as my mind is pretty much impossible to shut off for more than a second), one thing that I have learned is how things that the vast majority of the world, including myself thought were horrible things, and cynical thoughts really aren’t that terrible (still terrible, but maybe not as bad as thought) and aren’t cynical. Yes, I know, it seems like I’m spouting nonsense. Let me explain. The whole point of this is to talk about suffering. We mere mortals, including Christians view pain and suffering as bad things. It’s understandable, it hurts, it’s not fun and we do everything we can to avoid such things. In fact suffering is used as arguably the number one argument (yes, that was a terrible redundant statement, get over it) why God doesn’t exist and/or doesn’t care, so no one should be religious, or in some cases, just Christian. I’m someone who has suffered, a lot. Now, obviously not as much as a starving child in Africa or...

So, remember those fake friends that I told you about? I finally cut them off. One of them I didn't even bother saying anything at all to and the other one, the closer of the friends, I confronted her, let her know I was on to her. Her reaction? Continue to lie and then block me on social media. Blocking me on social media was the last straw. I was so beyond done with being lied to, and this was a blatant insult to my intelligence, claiming to be my friend, then blocking me on social media right afterwards. Yep, sounds like a friend to me. So, I have deleted both their numbers from my phone and text messages to them. I have blocked both on social media. I am done talking to them. I have finally stood up for myself and cut toxic people out. Not going to lie, I am struggling a bit with guilt and unease. But, I expect (and hope) those feelings go away soon. I'm assuming most of it has to do with how used I am to not standing up for myself and letting myself be abused to keep the p...

The Lord lately has been showing me how I truly am weak, as in I literally cannot do anything on my own. I am incapable, only the Lord can enable me to do anything. Recently that was by giving me the nearly uncontrollable urge to just come out to everyone and transition despite the fact it is not good for me to do so at the moment. The Lord used it to show me how little faith and strength that I truly have. So, now that my lesson has been learned, how do I keep my eyes on the Lord despite how overwhelming dysphoria can be at times and the hole in my heart where my parents lov should have been. How do I focus on Him despite these giant, distracting holes are? Then again, am I looking at this all wrong?  Maybe those things shouldn't be looked at as distractions but as the things that I need to use to keep my trust in the Lord to provide what I need. That's what I'm going with right now.