I'm still alive and other things
Ok, so I did almost commit suicide this morning as you likely know this morning if you read my first article of the day. Thankfully, I was able to completely wear myself down before I actually did it. Plus, writing all that out did really help. Just sitting down, writing out my thoughts as I thought them, it's the most therapeutic thing I've ever done. So, since that moment I've just felt numb for the most part, depressed and angry. That's the only constant in my life, anger. I wish I knew how to let go of it, but I don't. It's so destructive.
Anyway, I know that this is going to sound sappy and manipulative, but it's true. I'm alive because of you guys. Look, I only get on average 8-12 readers a post. I have regular readers in the US, Britain, Ukraine, Denmark, Australia, France, and Brazil. It's an international audience. My blog is pretty niche, like, you're not looking up "transgender Christians" for the fun of it, you're likely doing it for a reason, because you want to know that there are other transgender Christians out there. I don't know, I feel this obligation because of it, one to keep fighting on for the sake of you guys. Even if I can't save myself (and as the days go on, the less likely me ever getting saved become), maybe I can save someone else. If just one person feels less alone in this world because of my blog, I've done my job. I don't want anyone to ever feel as alone as I do. If you do feel alone, contact me! There are links in the sidebar that pops up when you press the hamburger button (if you don't know what that is, look it up). I'll also put links at the end of this article. If you feel lonely, I especially recommend joining my Discord server, right now, there are a total of four of us on the server, and we would love for you to join! It's a great place just to chat and get support! So, please join us! Anyway, so I do want to thank you guys for continuing reading my blog, as messy, depressing, and horribly-put-together as it is. Seriously, I don't know why you continue to read it, but thank you.
Anyway, I know I still need to transition. I know I need to get therapy, but to be honest, I don't know where to go and actually get it, or if I can. I have very little money. If I've done my calculations right, basically just enough to move out. There wouldn't really be money to do either. I mean, if hormones were cheap enough I could probably do those, but that's the key, they have to be cheap enough. Where I live, they don't seem to be, but there's also almost no trans resources here in Fort Wayne, IN that I can actually find. To be honest, I'm probably going to have to move at least to another city, but most likely another state. One that's less conservative and doesn't allow people to legally get away with murdering trans people. Also, it would allow me to transition more easily. No matter what, I just hope I can live with myself until I can move out and transition, because I have to transition. I will kill myself if I find out I can't. My dysphoria is too severe.
One last thing, this Tuesday I start my second job at Salvation Army. I'm so beyond nervous, in fact, I'm downright scared. I'm scared I'm going to hate it. I'm scared it's not going to turn out well. I'm legitimately scared. I realize this is all because of how severe my depression is and I'm probably psychotic to be honest, but my reality is that it's something to be very scared about. I just hope it turns out. I can't take another burden right now.
Anyway, that's all for that for now. Except for all my links.
Discord: https://discordapp.com/invite/cDTF35d
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TransRamblings
Snapchat: https://www.snapchat.com/add/nicklybear98
Tumblr: https://n1cklybear.tumblr.com/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/nicklybear_
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCbvHFMNtFqFRKfTA9i80JTQ
Anyway, I know that this is going to sound sappy and manipulative, but it's true. I'm alive because of you guys. Look, I only get on average 8-12 readers a post. I have regular readers in the US, Britain, Ukraine, Denmark, Australia, France, and Brazil. It's an international audience. My blog is pretty niche, like, you're not looking up "transgender Christians" for the fun of it, you're likely doing it for a reason, because you want to know that there are other transgender Christians out there. I don't know, I feel this obligation because of it, one to keep fighting on for the sake of you guys. Even if I can't save myself (and as the days go on, the less likely me ever getting saved become), maybe I can save someone else. If just one person feels less alone in this world because of my blog, I've done my job. I don't want anyone to ever feel as alone as I do. If you do feel alone, contact me! There are links in the sidebar that pops up when you press the hamburger button (if you don't know what that is, look it up). I'll also put links at the end of this article. If you feel lonely, I especially recommend joining my Discord server, right now, there are a total of four of us on the server, and we would love for you to join! It's a great place just to chat and get support! So, please join us! Anyway, so I do want to thank you guys for continuing reading my blog, as messy, depressing, and horribly-put-together as it is. Seriously, I don't know why you continue to read it, but thank you.
Anyway, I know I still need to transition. I know I need to get therapy, but to be honest, I don't know where to go and actually get it, or if I can. I have very little money. If I've done my calculations right, basically just enough to move out. There wouldn't really be money to do either. I mean, if hormones were cheap enough I could probably do those, but that's the key, they have to be cheap enough. Where I live, they don't seem to be, but there's also almost no trans resources here in Fort Wayne, IN that I can actually find. To be honest, I'm probably going to have to move at least to another city, but most likely another state. One that's less conservative and doesn't allow people to legally get away with murdering trans people. Also, it would allow me to transition more easily. No matter what, I just hope I can live with myself until I can move out and transition, because I have to transition. I will kill myself if I find out I can't. My dysphoria is too severe.
One last thing, this Tuesday I start my second job at Salvation Army. I'm so beyond nervous, in fact, I'm downright scared. I'm scared I'm going to hate it. I'm scared it's not going to turn out well. I'm legitimately scared. I realize this is all because of how severe my depression is and I'm probably psychotic to be honest, but my reality is that it's something to be very scared about. I just hope it turns out. I can't take another burden right now.
Anyway, that's all for that for now. Except for all my links.
Discord: https://discordapp.com/invite/cDTF35d
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TransRamblings
Snapchat: https://www.snapchat.com/add/nicklybear98
Tumblr: https://n1cklybear.tumblr.com/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/nicklybear_
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCbvHFMNtFqFRKfTA9i80JTQ
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No porn or cussing. Any comments made with the intent to harm others will be deleted as well. I have no problem with comments disagreeing with me, but the comments must be respectful. (That goes for comments agreeing with me as well)