Ramblings of a Transgender Christian

Allright, I know that this is going to be incredibly controversial, but I'm saying it anyway. So, I know that it's viewed as a bad thing that there are so many denominations and sects of the Christian church, but I don't think it's necessarily so bad. Now, the infighting and fighting with other groups is bad, but just the act of having so many is not. Here's why. The Bible can be interpreted in many ways. Why is that? Because God made it so that we NEED to have different beliefs on what certain scriptures say to help us grow closer to Him. How boring would it be if we all had the same needs! Now, here's where I'm really going to get controversial. Arminianism vs. Calvinism. Look, I know many reading this probably have extremely strong beliefs on this, but how is it that several people can interpret the hotly debated verses and be so confident in their interpretation? Is it truly that they're such sin-filled heretics that are fooling themselves, or is it ...

So, these last few days I've been praying, almost crying my eyes out and singing praises to Him, due to how severe the dysphoria has gotten. Then, this morning something happened, well, two things. First was around 4am, where I felt like God was telling me something. I don't want to say what it is so publicly just in case it wasn't God, because I'm not 100% certain, I'm like maybe 85%-90% though, but still, because it's a big promise. If you really want to know, just message me and I'll tell you, but I'm not posting it publicly. Like, if it was God, it was the most encouraging message I've ever heard. The second thing was when I was at my library job this morning. It was probably around 8am, and I was praying and singing, and then I felt the Spirit telling me to quiet myself. I did, and after a few minutes I felt God speak to me, now this time, I know for a FACT that it was God. Basically, He told me that He was honoring my prayers, that He going to ...

So, today someone posted Proverbs 13:12 (CSB) on a Discord server that I am on (not the one I run): "Hope delayed makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life." How true. Then, what has God called for us to do as Christians? Follow Him, no matter what, no matter how hard. God has promised to lift us up if we continue to obey His commands at several different points throughout the Bible. Not only that, but Jesus Himself said in Luke 14:26 (CSB): "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, and even his own life--he cannot be my disciple." What this verse is saying that Earthly relationships should NEVER be getting in the way with our relationships with the Lord. I come from an abusive family. My dad literally told me a few months that he literally didn't care about me. So, yeah, being loved is something I have never experienced. Ever. My desire for love has gotten in the way of m...

So, yeah, inevitably my depression has returned after that high. It sucks that I can't be happy for more than 24 hours. Oh well. My severe dysphoria has come back to kick my ass some more, along with jealousy of those transitioning and have transitioned. Today I read several posts on Tumblr of those in the process of transitioning of how it's been the two best months of their lives in terms of self-image and comfort with themselves. Man, that makes me dysphoric and hate myself and mind-numbingly jealous. Anyway, this time, I'm not going to let it completely leave me spiritually stranded. The Bible speaks of how He will deliver those who trust in Him in due time, and lift them up. I just need to keep those verses in mind when I'm struggling, like right now. He's there listening, caring, even when I feel He's not (which is often, sadly). I just need to keep that in mind. He understands me, and cares about me more than I can imagine (to be honest, it's hard t...

So, last night, on my Discord server I was talking to user Natalie, who runs the wonderful Tumblr blog " LGBT and Christian " about my spiritual struggle with Romans 14:13-23. Then she posted this: Then I responded with: That's when she responded with the most encouraging thing I've ever heard about being trans that restored hope to me. Look, will it be hard? YES. I want to transition right now. The unfortunate reality is, I can't. It's too dangerous physically and mentally. I have no support. Someday, I will transition though, and I can only imagine how much better it will feel knowing how long I've waited for it. But man I can't wait for that day. Lord, may it come soon and help me be patient until then, whenever it is.

(WARNING: Strong language, highly disturbing content) So, as you should hopefully know by now, this blog is my therapy. I don't have anywhere to go to let out what's killing me, I have no one to talk to. I'm alone in this, outside of one person I can go to with very surface-level problems, but doesn't even respond most of the time, and when she does isn't any help and has made clear she's tired of my problems. So, yay. I'm fucked. Anyway, I'm just going to let it out. I'm letting it flow. I'm about to kill myself. I've got nothing to fucking live for anymore. I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. I can't make one good decision. I'm so fucking miserable and hopeless. I let my parents abuse get to me. I spent my childhood lying my ass off to them, and now they don't trust a single thing I say and treat me like a child. I chose to open up to the person that allowed my parents to find out I'm trans and then treat me lik...

Allright, so it's been far too long since I've done one of these. I've already done two of them, on Deuteronomy 22:5 and Genesis 1 . Now today I'm taking on Psalm 139:13-14 and why it DOES NOT condemn transgenderism. What are the verses? 13 For it was you who created my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 I will praise you because I have been remarkably and wondrously made. Your works are wondrous, and I know this very well. The argument made here by those who do not support transgenderism is that these verses here make it very clear that how we are born is NOT a mistake, God made us that way for a certain reason. In my case, my being born male was done for a reason, and thus I am a male, and am to remain male, because God does not make mistakes, and by me being transgender and when I transition, I would be claiming God made a mistake. Now, before I show why what they say is ridiculous, I will have to take a step back and address the claim...

Did my parents abuse me? Yes. Have I been abused by pastors and other people at church? Yes. Do I get treated like sub-human? Yes. But, at what point do my problems that would be attributed to them stop being attributed to them and only to me? I still made the choice to hate my parents. I still allowed myself to get depressed. I allowed my dysphoria to take the better of me. Did my parents raise me to be a independent responsible adult? No. If I cared about being that, I still would have pursued it. My parents are right, I am a failure. I, truly am. I made the decisions. I made the decision to hide my emotions from the world, the ones killing me right now. I am why everything bad is happening and why I'm suffering. I fucked myself up. All they did was turn my head in that direction, I took the steps because I'm a idiot who is irresponsible and a horrible sinner. I hurt others. It's my job to stop hurting them. I'm a terrible human being. I'm not a victim. What about...

     So, just a few minutes ago I was looking at my baby pictures in the scrapbook mom put together. I was fascinated with the pictures of me when I was only a few days old. I love studying psychology, especially developmental psychology, and even more specific, developmental psychology pertaining to infants. When you're that young, still fresh out of the womb, you don't know anything. You don't know who anyone is, or even what a human really is for that matter, you don't know where you are, who you are, anything. You can't grasp anything as your mind hasn't developed. In addition to that, you are literally helpless. You literally require others to do just about everything for you.      Now, that said, even you're grown up, you're still that way. No matter how much we think we think we know about the universe, ourselves, relationships, scientific laws, God, etc. we find that we know next to nothing about anything. Literally the more we know, the more we...

     So, this has been something on my mind, a lot, lately. Giving thanks to the Lord...always. In fact, this is actually a command from the Bible, 1 Thessalonians 5:18 . So, what does this look like? Well, simply, giving thanks to God in all circumstances, including the bad ones. Believe me, that's hard to do, I know. Let me give you some background. I was born screwed up. I was born with an esophagus that connected to my lungs and a windpipe that didn't but instead dead-ended. The doctors told my dad that I would be lucky to live to be six months. Obviously, I've lived slightly longer than that. So, that's a praise, right? Yes, but it came with side-effects. As a child, I could not stop coughing because of the surgery that I had due to that defect when I was less than a day old. Today, I don't have that problem as much, but I do have a bit of a coughing problem and can make myself cough with no effort. In addition, my stomach acid reflex is very strong, including ...

As I reflect on my life (which is pretty much all-the-time, as my mind is pretty much impossible to shut off for more than a second), one thing that I have learned is how things that the vast majority of the world, including myself thought were horrible things, and cynical thoughts really aren’t that terrible (still terrible, but maybe not as bad as thought) and aren’t cynical. Yes, I know, it seems like I’m spouting nonsense. Let me explain. The whole point of this is to talk about suffering. We mere mortals, including Christians view pain and suffering as bad things. It’s understandable, it hurts, it’s not fun and we do everything we can to avoid such things. In fact suffering is used as arguably the number one argument (yes, that was a terrible redundant statement, get over it) why God doesn’t exist and/or doesn’t care, so no one should be religious, or in some cases, just Christian. I’m someone who has suffered, a lot. Now, obviously not as much as a starving child in Africa or...

So, I've been doing a series on whether transgenderism is sinful or not, because well, I'm trans and a Christian, and want to destroy the harmful idea that the Bible is against being transgender. Now, I'm not gay, at all (I'm asexual), but the church is still propagating the harmful idea that homosexuality is a sin, when it absolutely is not, and today I will do my part in the first part of this series explaining how the Bible does NOT condemn homosexuality. Anyway, let's get on with it. So, there are a few ways we can attack the idea that this verse condemns homosexuality. First, this verse is not talking about homosexuals, at all. It's talking about straight people who commit homosexual acts. At the time it was common practice among many of the false religions to have their followers do sacrifices to false gods by committing homosexual acts. So, in other words, it's sinful to go against your nature, which leads to the next point. If the point of these v...

So, it's been a few months, but I'm finally doing another one of these. If you haven't read the first one, check it out by clicking here . Anyway, let's move on to today's verse and why I don't think the Bible condemns being transgender. Anyway, today's verse is Deuteronomy 22:5 : "A woman is not to wear male clothing, and a man is not to put on a woman's garment, for everyone who does these things is detestable to the LORD your God. (CSB) Seems pretty clear cut right? Not really. There are three ways that I attack the cis-normative interpretation that views this as a slam on transgenders like myself (the arguments will go from what I consider the weakest to what I consider to be the strongest). The first way I would say that this doesn't condemn transgenderism is basically one of the reasons the Bible doesn't condemn homosexuality (got that post coming hopefully tomorrow), and that is, to separate the Jews from the religious cults aro...

First, before I get to the actual topic, I will not be posting this frequently starting tomorrow, I just wanted to give you all a bit of variety to give you all an idea of what this blog will be like. I'll probably post 1-3 times a week. I have a post coming tomorrow or Tuesday (possibly Wendsday, we'll see). Anyway, to the main topic: As a transgender Christian, I have a bit of a unique view on the church most Christians who regularly attend church do not have. That is, I'm an outsider who has infiltrated the base. What do I mean by that? What I mean is that even though I regularly attend church and am quite involved with the church, I am still an outsider, despite being a regularly attending Christian. When you're hiding your dysphoria from everyone, it's hard to relate to the others as there is that big elephant weighing you down. In addition, it is likely that they are not too friendly to LGBT people (as is the case in every church I've attended). This kee...