I'm the problem

Did my parents abuse me? Yes. Have I been abused by pastors and other people at church? Yes. Do I get treated like sub-human? Yes. But, at what point do my problems that would be attributed to them stop being attributed to them and only to me? I still made the choice to hate my parents. I still allowed myself to get depressed. I allowed my dysphoria to take the better of me. Did my parents raise me to be a independent responsible adult? No. If I cared about being that, I still would have pursued it. My parents are right, I am a failure. I, truly am. I made the decisions. I made the decision to hide my emotions from the world, the ones killing me right now. I am why everything bad is happening and why I'm suffering. I fucked myself up. All they did was turn my head in that direction, I took the steps because I'm a idiot who is irresponsible and a horrible sinner. I hurt others. It's my job to stop hurting them. I'm a terrible human being. I'm not a victim. What about me being trans? Yes, I was born this way, but the Bible also says:



13 Therefore, let us no longer judge one another. Instead decide never to put a stumbling block or pitfall in the way of your brother or sister. 14 I know and am persuaded in the Lord Jesus that nothing is unclean in itself. Still, to someone who considers a thing to be unclean, to that one it is unclean. 15 For if your brother or sister is hurt by what you eat, you are no longer walking according to love. Do not destroy, by what you eat, someone for whom Christ died. 16 Therefore, do not let your good be slandered, 17 for the kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, but righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit. 18 Whoever serves Christ in this way is acceptable to God and receives human approval.

19 So then, let us pursue what promotes peace and what builds up one another. 20 Do not tear down God’s work because of food. Everything is clean, but it is wrong to make someone fall by what he eats. 21 It is a good thing not to eat meat, or drink wine, or do anything that makes your brother or sister stumble. 22 Whatever you believe about these things, keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who does not condemn himself by what he approves. 23 But whoever doubts stands condemned if he eats, because his eating is not from faith, and everything that is not from faith is sin.

-Romans 14:13-23

I just can't get out of my head that it's telling me that I'm not allowed to transition, even if it would benefit me (but, then again, would it? If I'm hurting others, does it benefit me?), due to the fact it would hurt others. Heck, just the knowledge I'm trans hurts others. I feel my job was to keep it to myself. I don't know, maybe I'm reading too much into these verses. It's just how I feel at the moment. I just had this revelation that I'm the problem just a few minutes ago, so I'm still trying to figure all this out. My emotions are still quite raw. I'll let you all know what I come up with.