I'm scared of being happy

I've never been happy. Even as a child, I was not happy. I hated myself, was fearful and sad. Never have been happy. I can county on two hands the amount of days in my life as happy. They are some of the worst days of my life. Why? Because it was uncomfortable. Being happy makes me uncomfortable, because it's an emotion I'm not used to feeling, at all. It's alien to me. It doesn't feel right. You could say it makes me dysphoric (in a non-gender sense). Today I've finally come to grips with the fact that I'm scared of being happy. I don't like how uncomfortable it makes me feel, how weird it is. As horrible as misery is, at least it's normal, I understand it. It makes me comfortable in a very twisted, un-healthy way. So, yeah, I'm scared of being fixed, being healthy, because I'm not used to how it feels. I'm scared of the unknown, I'm scared of what makes me feel uncomfortable, weird, even if it's a desirable outcome. I'm scared of something different. Heck, if I were offered the chance to just magically turn cis-gender I doubt I would take it, because it's unknown, it's different. I feel like I would lose who I am, like if I were to stop being miserable. I don't have an identity, I don't know who I am, outside of being trans and miserable, and the world's worst Christian. If I were to stop being miserable, it's like I'm losing a huge part of the very little sense of who I am. Who am I if I'm not miserable? I've been that way my whole life.

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