Ramblings of a Transgender Christian

What is it that every therapist, and then every single person because of them telling people that they should open up to others, stop doing things on their own, you know, get help, especially if you're mentally ill. Well, this past year, I have been doing that. And do you know what I've learned? It's not worth it. All it does is create more problems and bring you down even more. I've opened up my soul, my heart to others. I've let others know what it is I've been through and am going through. I've texted people when feeling suicidal. All that's happened is me feeling even worse and more horrible at the end of it all. All I've learned is that it's not worth it. My mental health has only gotten worse when sharing my burdens with others. So, what I'm saying is, I'm done doing that. This blog will be my sole outlet for my burdens, as people are incapable of helping me at all. I've already cut my mental ties loose with everyone I used to s...

(WARNING: Potentially triggering content, strong language) I've fucking had it. I can't take it any fucking more. Last Friday, I completely lost the ability to cope with my parents abuse. I had an hour-long mental breakdown at my library job that day along with a panic attack. I could not handle it whatsoever, and it never got better. Over the weekend I had several breakdowns and near-breakdowns. Then Monday came around. It was about 8 AM and I was at the library in the children's area shelving children's chapter books, then an urge I had only ever felt once and that one time it hadn't been all that bad so I didn't do it happened. The urge to self-harm. Previously, the only urge I had ever felt was to kill myself, and for the most part, I've learned to cope with that. This is a different urge. And it was really, really, strong, like, uncontrollably strong. So, I harmed myself right there and then. After I finished, I collapsed. Everyone was up at the front...

WARNING: This post contains content about sensitive matters. Read at own risk. Hey, sorry for the lack of posts recently. It's hard for me to do anything right now. I can't find any enjoyment in anything, at all, video games, music, blogging, etc. It's hard to do anything, heck, I'm forcing myself to write out this blogpost right now. My dysphoria has gone onto a new plane. Now it's fully embedded in me. Normally I feel an anxiety-like feeling when it attacks, and while I still do get that sometimes, now it's just there, it doesn't feel like anything, but I know it's there eating me apart. I can't really explain it well, but I just know it's there despite the fact that I can't really feel it anymore, and it never goes away. I can't sleep or if I do sleep, it's not restful. I have to either force myself to eat, or I feel like I'm literally starving, I lost the ability to walk yesterday for about 10 minutes because my dysphoria g...

So, yeah, as you probably noticed, there was no "Tumblr Roundup" this Sunday. I'm sorry. I meant to give a notice, but I didn't. Why did I not give a notice or do a Tumblr Roundup? Because my dysphoria is attacking me extremely hard right now. I just want to die. It won't go away. It keeps coming back, stronger than before, sucking away my will to live. Lord, may I die or start transitioning, and I mean, transition SOON. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep wanting to die. I can't keep grabbing a knife from the kitchen, taking it to my room and chickening out at the last second. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep wanting to harm myself, only to stop myself at the last second. Lord, just let me be a woman.

Ok, so I did almost commit suicide this morning as you likely know this morning if you read my first article of the day. Thankfully, I was able to completely wear myself down before I actually did it. Plus, writing all that out did really help. Just sitting down, writing out my thoughts as I thought them, it's the most therapeutic thing I've ever done. So, since that moment I've just felt numb for the most part, depressed and angry. That's the only constant in my life, anger. I wish I knew how to let go of it, but I don't. It's so destructive. Anyway, I know that this is going to sound sappy and manipulative, but it's true. I'm alive because of you guys. Look, I only get on average 8-12 readers a post. I have regular readers in the US, Britain, Ukraine, Denmark, Australia, France, and Brazil. It's an international audience. My blog is pretty niche, like, you're not looking up "transgender Christians" for the fun of it, you're like...

(WARNING: Strong language, highly disturbing content) So, as you should hopefully know by now, this blog is my therapy. I don't have anywhere to go to let out what's killing me, I have no one to talk to. I'm alone in this, outside of one person I can go to with very surface-level problems, but doesn't even respond most of the time, and when she does isn't any help and has made clear she's tired of my problems. So, yay. I'm fucked. Anyway, I'm just going to let it out. I'm letting it flow. I'm about to kill myself. I've got nothing to fucking live for anymore. I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. I can't make one good decision. I'm so fucking miserable and hopeless. I let my parents abuse get to me. I spent my childhood lying my ass off to them, and now they don't trust a single thing I say and treat me like a child. I chose to open up to the person that allowed my parents to find out I'm trans and then treat me lik...

Allright, so a quick update on where I am after the last post. I still don't know. I'm in complete turmoil at this point. So, I'm assuming the majority of my readers are transgender (but I have absolutely no proof of this, I'm just assuming that you are because let's be honest, you're probably not looking up websites made for trans-people unless, you know, you're trans), and you probably know about the "transition or die" moment that many trans people experience. For the cisgender people (or the trans people who don't know), there's a moment in many transgender's lives where the dysphoria becomes so overwhelming that they will literally kill themselves if they don't transition. I am fully convinced, without any actual evidence that many of the suicides which plague the community come from this. Well, I survived that moment which came earlier this summer shortly after I started this blog. For those who have not hit that point or are ...

Did my parents abuse me? Yes. Have I been abused by pastors and other people at church? Yes. Do I get treated like sub-human? Yes. But, at what point do my problems that would be attributed to them stop being attributed to them and only to me? I still made the choice to hate my parents. I still allowed myself to get depressed. I allowed my dysphoria to take the better of me. Did my parents raise me to be a independent responsible adult? No. If I cared about being that, I still would have pursued it. My parents are right, I am a failure. I, truly am. I made the decisions. I made the decision to hide my emotions from the world, the ones killing me right now. I am why everything bad is happening and why I'm suffering. I fucked myself up. All they did was turn my head in that direction, I took the steps because I'm a idiot who is irresponsible and a horrible sinner. I hurt others. It's my job to stop hurting them. I'm a terrible human being. I'm not a victim. What about...

I've never been happy. Even as a child, I was not happy. I hated myself, was fearful and sad. Never have been happy. I can county on two hands the amount of days in my life as happy. They are some of the worst days of my life. Why? Because it was uncomfortable. Being happy makes me uncomfortable, because it's an emotion I'm not used to feeling, at all. It's alien to me. It doesn't feel right. You could say it makes me dysphoric (in a non-gender sense). Today I've finally come to grips with the fact that I'm scared of being happy. I don't like how uncomfortable it makes me feel, how weird it is. As horrible as misery is, at least it's normal, I understand it. It makes me comfortable in a very twisted, un-healthy way. So, yeah, I'm scared of being fixed, being healthy, because I'm not used to how it feels. I'm scared of the unknown, I'm scared of what makes me feel uncomfortable, weird, even if it's a desirable outcome. I'm scar...

So, as you can tell if you've been reading this blog for awhile, I struggle with suicidal thoughts, A LOT. I've been suicidal for the majority of the last 5 years now. How I'm still alive, I do not know, I guess God really wants me around. Why? I don't know, as I don't feel that I serve any true purpose, but I guess there must be one, and boy do I wish He would just let me know what it is because I'm sick and tired of living without purpose or meaning and without an identity. So, as you probably know, I've been abused my entire life by my parents. I never trusted them, never felt loved, and to be honest, pretty much hated them and have been waiting to escape them since I was a small child. Then, in on August 13, 2013 me and my family moved to Indiana from the Toledo, OH area. Away from all family and friends (except for a few), where my parents pretty much could do whatever they truly wanted with us. That's when things really fell apart. In about June of...

Hey, I'm sorry for lack of posts and not keeping up with "Tumblr Roundup" (which is my most popular feature). These last few weeks my mental health has been on the decline. This past week, especially last few days, it has hit rock bottom, and then found a way to dig even deeper underneath. I'm literally calling suicide prevention hotlines at least once a day, if not more. I've literally run out of hope. I've got nothing left to give to this life. I'm literally just running on fumes. It's like I'm a zombie. There's no life inside of me anymore. Everything is just going on around me and I'm not a part of it. If I can come out of this, I'll start posting more, but I just can't right now. It's near impossible to think of anything but this pain.

     So, this has been something on my mind, a lot, lately. Giving thanks to the Lord...always. In fact, this is actually a command from the Bible, 1 Thessalonians 5:18 . So, what does this look like? Well, simply, giving thanks to God in all circumstances, including the bad ones. Believe me, that's hard to do, I know. Let me give you some background. I was born screwed up. I was born with an esophagus that connected to my lungs and a windpipe that didn't but instead dead-ended. The doctors told my dad that I would be lucky to live to be six months. Obviously, I've lived slightly longer than that. So, that's a praise, right? Yes, but it came with side-effects. As a child, I could not stop coughing because of the surgery that I had due to that defect when I was less than a day old. Today, I don't have that problem as much, but I do have a bit of a coughing problem and can make myself cough with no effort. In addition, my stomach acid reflex is very strong, including ...

As I reflect on my life (which is pretty much all-the-time, as my mind is pretty much impossible to shut off for more than a second), one thing that I have learned is how things that the vast majority of the world, including myself thought were horrible things, and cynical thoughts really aren’t that terrible (still terrible, but maybe not as bad as thought) and aren’t cynical. Yes, I know, it seems like I’m spouting nonsense. Let me explain. The whole point of this is to talk about suffering. We mere mortals, including Christians view pain and suffering as bad things. It’s understandable, it hurts, it’s not fun and we do everything we can to avoid such things. In fact suffering is used as arguably the number one argument (yes, that was a terrible redundant statement, get over it) why God doesn’t exist and/or doesn’t care, so no one should be religious, or in some cases, just Christian. I’m someone who has suffered, a lot. Now, obviously not as much as a starving child in Africa or...

So, a while ago I told you all I would write an article discussing what it's like to live with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and now here it is. So, first, what is BPD? It is someone with at least 5 of these symptoms (taken from Psych Central ): Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment , whether the abandonment is real or imagined A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation Identity disturbance , such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating ) Recurrent suicidal behavior , gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days) Ch...

So, these are some lies that the voices in my head have been telling me and my rebuttals to them. I actually wrote these down on paper and took a picture of it, but Blogger for some reason won't let me upload it, so I'll just manually type them in. My life is worthless  My life is meaningful My life has value I should just die I NEED to live I provide uniqueness to this world I'm nothing more than a f**got God loves diversity I'm more than my gender & sexuality, I am a child of God I'm unloveable/No one could ever love me Even if that's true God still loves me I'm unworthy of love I'm still worthy of the greatest act of love there ever was, Jesus's sacrifice on the cross I hate myself Why? I am worth so much Even though I don't know how, someday I'll learn to love myself My very existence hurts others Someday I'll find a response to this Anyway, that's what I wrote last night, and it really h...