An apology, explanation, and threats
WARNING: This post contains content about sensitive matters. Read at own risk.
Hey, sorry for the lack of posts recently. It's hard for me to do anything right now. I can't find any enjoyment in anything, at all, video games, music, blogging, etc. It's hard to do anything, heck, I'm forcing myself to write out this blogpost right now. My dysphoria has gone onto a new plane. Now it's fully embedded in me. Normally I feel an anxiety-like feeling when it attacks, and while I still do get that sometimes, now it's just there, it doesn't feel like anything, but I know it's there eating me apart. I can't really explain it well, but I just know it's there despite the fact that I can't really feel it anymore, and it never goes away. I can't sleep or if I do sleep, it's not restful. I have to either force myself to eat, or I feel like I'm literally starving, I lost the ability to walk yesterday for about 10 minutes because my dysphoria got so strong, and I don't want to be too disgusting, but there are times when it's hard to poop or pee because of how strong it can be at times. Yeah, I'm struggling to do basic functions now because of the dysphoria. I'm always on the verge of crying, heck, I'm crying right now writing out this post. I'm sick and tired of living. I have no hope. I keep praying and I don't feel relief, I can't bring myself to read the Bible. It just feels meaningless now. I'm so tired of living. I don't see a way out of this hell-hole situation. It honestly feels that suicide is my only actual option to get any relief. At the same time, I know if I kill myself, my parents will just abuse my younger sisters even more, and I couldn't do that to them, despite how terrible they have been to me. I truly feel as if there's no way out, I can't kill myself, but I can't live either. I hate myself so much right now. I've got nothing left to offer. I need to get out, I need to find people who care about me, and most of all, I HAVE TO TRANSITION. NOW. I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE. I CAN'T CONTINUE LIVING AS A MAN ANYMORE. I'M NOT A MAN, I'M A WOMAN. I'm sorry. I'm yelling now. It may be only internally and on this blog, but I hate yelling, but I can't help it. I have to. I can't even bring myself and edit those all-caps words and make them normal. I doubt there will be a Tumblr roundup, I don't even know when you'll hear from me again, if you ever do. I'm so sick and tired of living. Even this blog doesn't bring any relief anymore. Life is so meaningless. Just in case this is my last post, thank you all. I don't know who the majority of you readers are, but I know what countries you're from. To those of you here in America, those of you in the UK, Denmark, Brazil, France and Ukraine who have been reading since the beginning or near beginning, thank you, it truly means a lot. I hope this isn't the end, but I can't bring myself to do anything anymore. I'm truly sorry. I've been praying for you all when I pray, and I will continue to do so whether this is the end or not. So, I guess stay tuned, if you want. I don't really care anymore.
Hey, sorry for the lack of posts recently. It's hard for me to do anything right now. I can't find any enjoyment in anything, at all, video games, music, blogging, etc. It's hard to do anything, heck, I'm forcing myself to write out this blogpost right now. My dysphoria has gone onto a new plane. Now it's fully embedded in me. Normally I feel an anxiety-like feeling when it attacks, and while I still do get that sometimes, now it's just there, it doesn't feel like anything, but I know it's there eating me apart. I can't really explain it well, but I just know it's there despite the fact that I can't really feel it anymore, and it never goes away. I can't sleep or if I do sleep, it's not restful. I have to either force myself to eat, or I feel like I'm literally starving, I lost the ability to walk yesterday for about 10 minutes because my dysphoria got so strong, and I don't want to be too disgusting, but there are times when it's hard to poop or pee because of how strong it can be at times. Yeah, I'm struggling to do basic functions now because of the dysphoria. I'm always on the verge of crying, heck, I'm crying right now writing out this post. I'm sick and tired of living. I have no hope. I keep praying and I don't feel relief, I can't bring myself to read the Bible. It just feels meaningless now. I'm so tired of living. I don't see a way out of this hell-hole situation. It honestly feels that suicide is my only actual option to get any relief. At the same time, I know if I kill myself, my parents will just abuse my younger sisters even more, and I couldn't do that to them, despite how terrible they have been to me. I truly feel as if there's no way out, I can't kill myself, but I can't live either. I hate myself so much right now. I've got nothing left to offer. I need to get out, I need to find people who care about me, and most of all, I HAVE TO TRANSITION. NOW. I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE. I CAN'T CONTINUE LIVING AS A MAN ANYMORE. I'M NOT A MAN, I'M A WOMAN. I'm sorry. I'm yelling now. It may be only internally and on this blog, but I hate yelling, but I can't help it. I have to. I can't even bring myself and edit those all-caps words and make them normal. I doubt there will be a Tumblr roundup, I don't even know when you'll hear from me again, if you ever do. I'm so sick and tired of living. Even this blog doesn't bring any relief anymore. Life is so meaningless. Just in case this is my last post, thank you all. I don't know who the majority of you readers are, but I know what countries you're from. To those of you here in America, those of you in the UK, Denmark, Brazil, France and Ukraine who have been reading since the beginning or near beginning, thank you, it truly means a lot. I hope this isn't the end, but I can't bring myself to do anything anymore. I'm truly sorry. I've been praying for you all when I pray, and I will continue to do so whether this is the end or not. So, I guess stay tuned, if you want. I don't really care anymore.
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No porn or cussing. Any comments made with the intent to harm others will be deleted as well. I have no problem with comments disagreeing with me, but the comments must be respectful. (That goes for comments agreeing with me as well)