Ramblings of a Transgender Christian

So, I’m less than three months away from (hopefully) transitioning. Now, all I can think is, “is this really me?” “Can I really be a woman?” “Am I really a woman?” “What if I’m wrong?” “What if being trans really is a sin and I’m just twisting the Bible to justify my lifestyle?” “Maybe I’m not really a woman” “Maybe I’m not made out for this,” “I can’t really do this.” So, yeah, lots of doubting and second-guessing now that this is getting legit real.

I've had it with these hypocrites. I'm talking about the tucute community. They love to complain and talk about how us transmeds "gatekeep" and "discriminate," then why the fuck does every trans resource out there openly discriminate against transmeds? Why do they LITERALLY gatekeep against us? No transmed has actually prevented anyone from getting help, in fact, we ENCOURAGE people to get help. Do you know who's preventing people from getting help? TUCUTES, by literally saying that if you're transmed you're not allowed to get help there. Literally almost every trans resource I've gone to for help says transmeds are not allowed. Therefore, I continually get blocked from resources I genuinely need. No transmed keeps people from getting the resources others need, we promote help and finding it. And then there's the tucutes who love to claim that they want tolerance, resources for everyone, no gatekeeping, no discrimination, etc. and yet all...

So, I've lately been thinking about what some early signs would have been that I'm trans. Like, are there early indicators? Well, thinking back and unblocking some memories has made me realize, yes, there are some. In addition, I'll be discussing other forms of dysphoria that I forgot about, symptoms NOT related to early childhood. Now, full warning, this is NOT safe for work, and does contain stuff about sexual body parts. So, the first thing I can remember off the top of my head was wanting to invert my penis into my body as a toddler. Long before I even knew that girls had a vagina. Yeah, I remember trying stuff my penis inside my body, before chickening out because I was scared about how I would then pee. But, I always wanted a smooth crotch, and knew I didn't want my penis. Once again, this is before I learned about the female vagina, so there is no other reason other than my female brain knowing what should be there, even if I didn't myself and thus, acting ...

So, these last few days I've been praying, almost crying my eyes out and singing praises to Him, due to how severe the dysphoria has gotten. Then, this morning something happened, well, two things. First was around 4am, where I felt like God was telling me something. I don't want to say what it is so publicly just in case it wasn't God, because I'm not 100% certain, I'm like maybe 85%-90% though, but still, because it's a big promise. If you really want to know, just message me and I'll tell you, but I'm not posting it publicly. Like, if it was God, it was the most encouraging message I've ever heard. The second thing was when I was at my library job this morning. It was probably around 8am, and I was praying and singing, and then I felt the Spirit telling me to quiet myself. I did, and after a few minutes I felt God speak to me, now this time, I know for a FACT that it was God. Basically, He told me that He was honoring my prayers, that He going to ...

WARNING: This post contains content about sensitive matters. Read at own risk. Hey, sorry for the lack of posts recently. It's hard for me to do anything right now. I can't find any enjoyment in anything, at all, video games, music, blogging, etc. It's hard to do anything, heck, I'm forcing myself to write out this blogpost right now. My dysphoria has gone onto a new plane. Now it's fully embedded in me. Normally I feel an anxiety-like feeling when it attacks, and while I still do get that sometimes, now it's just there, it doesn't feel like anything, but I know it's there eating me apart. I can't really explain it well, but I just know it's there despite the fact that I can't really feel it anymore, and it never goes away. I can't sleep or if I do sleep, it's not restful. I have to either force myself to eat, or I feel like I'm literally starving, I lost the ability to walk yesterday for about 10 minutes because my dysphoria g...

So, yeah, as you probably noticed, there was no "Tumblr Roundup" this Sunday. I'm sorry. I meant to give a notice, but I didn't. Why did I not give a notice or do a Tumblr Roundup? Because my dysphoria is attacking me extremely hard right now. I just want to die. It won't go away. It keeps coming back, stronger than before, sucking away my will to live. Lord, may I die or start transitioning, and I mean, transition SOON. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep wanting to die. I can't keep grabbing a knife from the kitchen, taking it to my room and chickening out at the last second. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep wanting to harm myself, only to stop myself at the last second. Lord, just let me be a woman.

The western church is completely broken. They want nothing to do with actual problems. Let's pretend your soul is a clay jar. At church you're allowed to have a few cracks, and if you go to a really progressive church, maybe a piece or two removed, but nothing more. You're expected to be pretty whole, because the church just doesn't have time to help those who are broken. They've got to keep helping the happy, healthy, married people with kids, you know? That's what's really important, supporting only those who aren't broken or have very little broken. So, what if you're like me, single, abused, and transgender? Either one of those is enough to get you overlooked by the church. The church wants nothing to do with you if you're just one of those, much less all three. If I was a clay jar, I'd be broken to nothing but dust. There isn't anything left to put back together. A whole new jar would have to be created. That, churches DEFINITELY don...

This video right here is EXACTLY why I so strongly believe that being trans REQUIRES having dysphoria. If you don't have dysphoria, you aren't trans, you're cisgender. Time to stop making being transgender "trendy" and transitioning something to do if you're not the perfect stereotype of the gender you were born as. This allowance of the non-dysphoric people into the trans community is killing us. It's making us look stupid as all these cisgender people transition and then quickly detransition because they should never have had transitioned in the first place! It's wrong. Time to put an end to this. It's time to take back the trans community from cisgenders. Allright, that out of the way, let's move on. My work schedule is awful. I have no days off this week, next week and quite possibly for the foreseeable future. I have worked two 10 hour days this week, and next Monday I work an 11 hour day and Wednesday a 10 hour day. I'm already ...

So, today someone posted Proverbs 13:12 (CSB) on a Discord server that I am on (not the one I run): "Hope delayed makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life." How true. Then, what has God called for us to do as Christians? Follow Him, no matter what, no matter how hard. God has promised to lift us up if we continue to obey His commands at several different points throughout the Bible. Not only that, but Jesus Himself said in Luke 14:26 (CSB): "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, and even his own life--he cannot be my disciple." What this verse is saying that Earthly relationships should NEVER be getting in the way with our relationships with the Lord. I come from an abusive family. My dad literally told me a few months that he literally didn't care about me. So, yeah, being loved is something I have never experienced. Ever. My desire for love has gotten in the way of m...

So, yeah, inevitably my depression has returned after that high. It sucks that I can't be happy for more than 24 hours. Oh well. My severe dysphoria has come back to kick my ass some more, along with jealousy of those transitioning and have transitioned. Today I read several posts on Tumblr of those in the process of transitioning of how it's been the two best months of their lives in terms of self-image and comfort with themselves. Man, that makes me dysphoric and hate myself and mind-numbingly jealous. Anyway, this time, I'm not going to let it completely leave me spiritually stranded. The Bible speaks of how He will deliver those who trust in Him in due time, and lift them up. I just need to keep those verses in mind when I'm struggling, like right now. He's there listening, caring, even when I feel He's not (which is often, sadly). I just need to keep that in mind. He understands me, and cares about me more than I can imagine (to be honest, it's hard t...

So, last night, on my Discord server I was talking to user Natalie, who runs the wonderful Tumblr blog " LGBT and Christian " about my spiritual struggle with Romans 14:13-23. Then she posted this: Then I responded with: That's when she responded with the most encouraging thing I've ever heard about being trans that restored hope to me. Look, will it be hard? YES. I want to transition right now. The unfortunate reality is, I can't. It's too dangerous physically and mentally. I have no support. Someday, I will transition though, and I can only imagine how much better it will feel knowing how long I've waited for it. But man I can't wait for that day. Lord, may it come soon and help me be patient until then, whenever it is.

Ok, so I did almost commit suicide this morning as you likely know this morning if you read my first article of the day. Thankfully, I was able to completely wear myself down before I actually did it. Plus, writing all that out did really help. Just sitting down, writing out my thoughts as I thought them, it's the most therapeutic thing I've ever done. So, since that moment I've just felt numb for the most part, depressed and angry. That's the only constant in my life, anger. I wish I knew how to let go of it, but I don't. It's so destructive. Anyway, I know that this is going to sound sappy and manipulative, but it's true. I'm alive because of you guys. Look, I only get on average 8-12 readers a post. I have regular readers in the US, Britain, Ukraine, Denmark, Australia, France, and Brazil. It's an international audience. My blog is pretty niche, like, you're not looking up "transgender Christians" for the fun of it, you're like...

(WARNING: Strong language, highly disturbing content) So, as you should hopefully know by now, this blog is my therapy. I don't have anywhere to go to let out what's killing me, I have no one to talk to. I'm alone in this, outside of one person I can go to with very surface-level problems, but doesn't even respond most of the time, and when she does isn't any help and has made clear she's tired of my problems. So, yay. I'm fucked. Anyway, I'm just going to let it out. I'm letting it flow. I'm about to kill myself. I've got nothing to fucking live for anymore. I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. I can't make one good decision. I'm so fucking miserable and hopeless. I let my parents abuse get to me. I spent my childhood lying my ass off to them, and now they don't trust a single thing I say and treat me like a child. I chose to open up to the person that allowed my parents to find out I'm trans and then treat me lik...

(NOTE: I just finished writing this, and I apologize in advance for how all-over the place this is, I just have a lot I need to get out) Last night, pretty much the only person I can talk at all to about my problems (and I really can't talk to her about much of them, it's very surface level), and she basically made it clear last night, she doesn't really want anything more to do with me or my problems, and that if I want to continue being her friend, I have to transition and stop caring what other people think. The problem is, when I asked her how to stop caring about what other people think, she answered "just let their reactions go". When I asked how to let it all go, she responded "No one really knows". Ok, so how is this supposed to help? In other words, you basically have to have been born not caring what others think. I go online and look up to see if there's any help. Nope. I should have guessed. The internet is pretty much the most useless ...

Allright, so it's been far too long since I've done one of these. I've already done two of them, on Deuteronomy 22:5 and Genesis 1 . Now today I'm taking on Psalm 139:13-14 and why it DOES NOT condemn transgenderism. What are the verses? 13 For it was you who created my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 I will praise you because I have been remarkably and wondrously made. Your works are wondrous, and I know this very well. The argument made here by those who do not support transgenderism is that these verses here make it very clear that how we are born is NOT a mistake, God made us that way for a certain reason. In my case, my being born male was done for a reason, and thus I am a male, and am to remain male, because God does not make mistakes, and by me being transgender and when I transition, I would be claiming God made a mistake. Now, before I show why what they say is ridiculous, I will have to take a step back and address the claim...

Allright, so a quick update on where I am after the last post. I still don't know. I'm in complete turmoil at this point. So, I'm assuming the majority of my readers are transgender (but I have absolutely no proof of this, I'm just assuming that you are because let's be honest, you're probably not looking up websites made for trans-people unless, you know, you're trans), and you probably know about the "transition or die" moment that many trans people experience. For the cisgender people (or the trans people who don't know), there's a moment in many transgender's lives where the dysphoria becomes so overwhelming that they will literally kill themselves if they don't transition. I am fully convinced, without any actual evidence that many of the suicides which plague the community come from this. Well, I survived that moment which came earlier this summer shortly after I started this blog. For those who have not hit that point or are ...

Did my parents abuse me? Yes. Have I been abused by pastors and other people at church? Yes. Do I get treated like sub-human? Yes. But, at what point do my problems that would be attributed to them stop being attributed to them and only to me? I still made the choice to hate my parents. I still allowed myself to get depressed. I allowed my dysphoria to take the better of me. Did my parents raise me to be a independent responsible adult? No. If I cared about being that, I still would have pursued it. My parents are right, I am a failure. I, truly am. I made the decisions. I made the decision to hide my emotions from the world, the ones killing me right now. I am why everything bad is happening and why I'm suffering. I fucked myself up. All they did was turn my head in that direction, I took the steps because I'm a idiot who is irresponsible and a horrible sinner. I hurt others. It's my job to stop hurting them. I'm a terrible human being. I'm not a victim. What about...

So, as you can tell if you've been reading this blog for awhile, I struggle with suicidal thoughts, A LOT. I've been suicidal for the majority of the last 5 years now. How I'm still alive, I do not know, I guess God really wants me around. Why? I don't know, as I don't feel that I serve any true purpose, but I guess there must be one, and boy do I wish He would just let me know what it is because I'm sick and tired of living without purpose or meaning and without an identity. So, as you probably know, I've been abused my entire life by my parents. I never trusted them, never felt loved, and to be honest, pretty much hated them and have been waiting to escape them since I was a small child. Then, in on August 13, 2013 me and my family moved to Indiana from the Toledo, OH area. Away from all family and friends (except for a few), where my parents pretty much could do whatever they truly wanted with us. That's when things really fell apart. In about June of...

     So, this has been something on my mind, a lot, lately. Giving thanks to the Lord...always. In fact, this is actually a command from the Bible, 1 Thessalonians 5:18 . So, what does this look like? Well, simply, giving thanks to God in all circumstances, including the bad ones. Believe me, that's hard to do, I know. Let me give you some background. I was born screwed up. I was born with an esophagus that connected to my lungs and a windpipe that didn't but instead dead-ended. The doctors told my dad that I would be lucky to live to be six months. Obviously, I've lived slightly longer than that. So, that's a praise, right? Yes, but it came with side-effects. As a child, I could not stop coughing because of the surgery that I had due to that defect when I was less than a day old. Today, I don't have that problem as much, but I do have a bit of a coughing problem and can make myself cough with no effort. In addition, my stomach acid reflex is very strong, including ...

So, I've been thinking this a lot lately, and the thought is, "do I owe it to others to NOT transition?" Here's my thought process on that: as Christians we are called to build one another up, not be stumbling blocks and help guide each other into a deeper connection with the Lord, and not harm the other. My transition would only deeply hurt others, in fact, in some cases, just the knowledge that I'm trans hurt others, especially my family. So, as a Christian, do I owe it to them to not transition to not deepen the hurt? There's nothing about transitioning that would be building others up, in fact it would be the opposite. On the other hand, I do believe that not transitioning does hurt me physically and spiritually. So, I know what the response would be for those pro-trans, "if it's hurting you spiritually, do what's best," and I would agree, if it didn't cause more harm spiritually for more people. You see, it's a Catch-22. Am I o...