Struggles With Suicidal Thoughts

So, as you can tell if you've been reading this blog for awhile, I struggle with suicidal thoughts, A LOT. I've been suicidal for the majority of the last 5 years now. How I'm still alive, I do not know, I guess God really wants me around. Why? I don't know, as I don't feel that I serve any true purpose, but I guess there must be one, and boy do I wish He would just let me know what it is because I'm sick and tired of living without purpose or meaning and without an identity. So, as you probably know, I've been abused my entire life by my parents. I never trusted them, never felt loved, and to be honest, pretty much hated them and have been waiting to escape them since I was a small child. Then, in on August 13, 2013 me and my family moved to Indiana from the Toledo, OH area. Away from all family and friends (except for a few), where my parents pretty much could do whatever they truly wanted with us. That's when things really fell apart. In about June of 2015 I put a knife right up against my throat with the intention of slicing it. The only thing that kept me from doing it was thoughts of how sad my friends (I had a few at the time from Ohio. Now we've pretty much gone our own ways, which is probably for the better to be honest) would be and how horrified my sisters would be to see me dead on the floor bleeding out. So, I put the knife away. I wish I could say that's the last time I put a knife right up against my throat, but sadly, it wasn't. I've done it quite a few times since and probably will again. In fact, I did it again just about a week or two ago (I can't remember, all the days run together in my head and I can't remember anything anymore. Probably from blocking just about ever memory that I can). I've attempted to drown myself even. First what made me suicidal was strictly dysphoria. Then it was demonic oppression that lasted a week. The oppression was so horrible that I cannot remember any of it outside of 40 minutes at Wal-Mart, and I know that it couldn't have been the worst of it, and even just what I remember of that I would NEVER want to relive. Then, it was my parents finding out I'm trans and almost kicking me out of the house because of it. Then it was not having any contact at all with the outside world. Then it was dysphoria again, then it was the abuse from my parents and now it's both abuse and dysphoria. Yeah, dysphoria really is the biggest reason for suicidal thoughts in my life. This is why I truly cannot wait for Heaven, where there will NOT be any dysphoria! There are no words to describe my hatred for it.


On a lighter note, I'm now on Snapchat, where I promise with God as my witness WILL focus more on fun stuff as well as a promotion for my blog. So, if you want to join me on Snapchat, here you go:

I'm also working on an Instagram account for this blog. Unfortunately, my phone doesn't seem to want me to do it. So, eventually it should be up.