A letter to those I know
To those I know in real life and online, I want to apologize.
I want to apologize for how self-absorbed I am. I want to apologize for how attention seeking I am. I want to apologize for how depressing I am. I want to apologize for how I burden you with my problems. I want to apologize for how I push you all away, either by being too clingy or by being generally unpleasant or by straight-out ignoring you. I know I am an unpleasant person to be around, I am about as far removed from being a person you want to hang-out with as you can get. I am sorry. I want you all to know, I am trying. I know it often, ok, probably all the time, looks like I'm not, and I'm just oblivious to my behavior. Honestly, there are some things I am probably oblivious to, and even more than that, I admit, often times, while I'm in the act of doing so, I am oblivious to how my actions and words come across. Other times, I do know how they're coming across, but I cannot stop myself, due to how ingrained those actions are into me. Sometimes, they're a deliberate action to get attention. I am wrong to do those things. I am sorry. I am trying to do better. You have no idea how much time I spend replaying conversations, or moments of some attention-seeking action I did, in my head, non-stop, beating myself up for doing it or saying it and being genuinely embarrassed, often to a genuinely harmful extreme.
It's been a long time since I had to be a person who you wanted to be around. About seven years, in fact. 2013. That August is when my family moved to Indiana. Before we moved, my dad was one of the pastors at a small church, and being a pastor's kid, you have to be likeable and well-behaved. I was an effeminate introvert who was always bullied, usually by several different people from all-different ages who almost never had friends. Heck, to this day I can still count the amount of friends I have had in my life on two hands. Almost all of them were only around, or my friend for a very short amount of time, so I often went a year or several years without friends. Even when I eventually became a pastors kid in 2009, I still only gained about two or so friends during that time. Once I moved to Indiana, those friendships dissolved, except for one, which lasted, though even that one is fading away, and sadly will be forced to end completely as he literally despises trans people. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've seen him over the last few years and the amount of times we've messaged each other. When we do see each other, we don't really even talk, we just play video games, and that's it. Often times, it's even different video games in different rooms.
Not only that, when we moved to Indiana, I became isolated from the world. There was a point in my sophomore year of high school where neither me or my sisters left our property for 3 or 4 straight months. I am not kidding whatsoever (Note to those who don't know: me and my sisters were homeschooled, that's how that was able to happen). As a child before my dad was a pastor, outside of going to church on Sundays, and volunteering at a downtown church two times a week where we bagged groceries to be handed out to poor people, we didn't have much socialization. Thing is, I don't have much practice in being a pleasant person to be around, I've never, outside of a few years, almost a decade ago, had to be one, and even at that time, I struggled to be a pleasant person. I definitely was better at it by the end, and had a lot of people who would be around me, but there were times I can think of where I scared off a lot of people due to behavior, actions, or words because it still wasn't completely ingrained quite yet. All that practice is gone now. I still get almost no practice in being a pleasant conversationalist, or being a pleasant person to be around. So, I am genuinely sorry that I am this way and that you have to put up with it. You shouldn't have to.
I want to apologize for how self-absorbed I am. I want to apologize for how attention seeking I am. I want to apologize for how depressing I am. I want to apologize for how I burden you with my problems. I want to apologize for how I push you all away, either by being too clingy or by being generally unpleasant or by straight-out ignoring you. I know I am an unpleasant person to be around, I am about as far removed from being a person you want to hang-out with as you can get. I am sorry. I want you all to know, I am trying. I know it often, ok, probably all the time, looks like I'm not, and I'm just oblivious to my behavior. Honestly, there are some things I am probably oblivious to, and even more than that, I admit, often times, while I'm in the act of doing so, I am oblivious to how my actions and words come across. Other times, I do know how they're coming across, but I cannot stop myself, due to how ingrained those actions are into me. Sometimes, they're a deliberate action to get attention. I am wrong to do those things. I am sorry. I am trying to do better. You have no idea how much time I spend replaying conversations, or moments of some attention-seeking action I did, in my head, non-stop, beating myself up for doing it or saying it and being genuinely embarrassed, often to a genuinely harmful extreme.
It's been a long time since I had to be a person who you wanted to be around. About seven years, in fact. 2013. That August is when my family moved to Indiana. Before we moved, my dad was one of the pastors at a small church, and being a pastor's kid, you have to be likeable and well-behaved. I was an effeminate introvert who was always bullied, usually by several different people from all-different ages who almost never had friends. Heck, to this day I can still count the amount of friends I have had in my life on two hands. Almost all of them were only around, or my friend for a very short amount of time, so I often went a year or several years without friends. Even when I eventually became a pastors kid in 2009, I still only gained about two or so friends during that time. Once I moved to Indiana, those friendships dissolved, except for one, which lasted, though even that one is fading away, and sadly will be forced to end completely as he literally despises trans people. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've seen him over the last few years and the amount of times we've messaged each other. When we do see each other, we don't really even talk, we just play video games, and that's it. Often times, it's even different video games in different rooms.
Not only that, when we moved to Indiana, I became isolated from the world. There was a point in my sophomore year of high school where neither me or my sisters left our property for 3 or 4 straight months. I am not kidding whatsoever (Note to those who don't know: me and my sisters were homeschooled, that's how that was able to happen). As a child before my dad was a pastor, outside of going to church on Sundays, and volunteering at a downtown church two times a week where we bagged groceries to be handed out to poor people, we didn't have much socialization. Thing is, I don't have much practice in being a pleasant person to be around, I've never, outside of a few years, almost a decade ago, had to be one, and even at that time, I struggled to be a pleasant person. I definitely was better at it by the end, and had a lot of people who would be around me, but there were times I can think of where I scared off a lot of people due to behavior, actions, or words because it still wasn't completely ingrained quite yet. All that practice is gone now. I still get almost no practice in being a pleasant conversationalist, or being a pleasant person to be around. So, I am genuinely sorry that I am this way and that you have to put up with it. You shouldn't have to.
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