A revelation
So, today someone posted Proverbs 13:12 (CSB) on a Discord server that I am on (not the one I run):
"Hope delayed makes the heart sick,
but desire fulfilled is a tree of life."
How true. Then, what has God called for us to do as Christians? Follow Him, no matter what, no matter how hard. God has promised to lift us up if we continue to obey His commands at several different points throughout the Bible. Not only that, but Jesus Himself said in Luke 14:26 (CSB):
"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, and even his own life--he cannot be my disciple."
What this verse is saying that Earthly relationships should NEVER be getting in the way with our relationships with the Lord. I come from an abusive family. My dad literally told me a few months that he literally didn't care about me. So, yeah, being loved is something I have never experienced. Ever. My desire for love has gotten in the way of my walk with the Lord as pleasing my parents with their impossible-to-reach standards has taken up all my attention. In addition, I've spent much time trying to literally buy love from my younger sisters, and try to be the perfect cisgender person for my extended family and "friends" who are literally "God hates f*gs" people, and be the perfect little cisgender male Christian for my church. Why? To please everyone. Because I desire love and attention. Those are not to be our focus. Our focus is to be strictly on God and His will.
Luke 6:22 (CSB)
Obviously, slightly different context as Jesus is talking about non-believers in the context, but it can just as easily be used to describe relationships with other Christians, because as is unfortunately true, Christians LOVE to tear each other down. We Christians are other Christians worst enemies in many cases (not all, especially in countries like Iran and China obviously, I'm speaking mostly of the western world here). As trans people, we are hated. Often viewed as sub-human, including by other Christians, get excluded, insulted, and slandered. We are called to not back down during that. We are to face it and take it with grace, knowing that we will be rewarded for our behavior and faith in the face of persecution.
Matthew 28:10 (CSB):
"Don’t fear those who kill the body but are not able to kill the soul; rather, fear him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell"
We're not to live in fear of other humans. Only of the devil, even when faced with death.
Mark 10:29-30 (CSB):
"I assure you," Jesus said, "there is no one who has left house, brothers or sisters, mother or father, children, or fields because of Me and the gospel, 30 who will not receive 100 times more, now at this time-houses, brothers and sisters, mothers and children, and fields, with persecutions-and eternal life in the age to come."
We are to follow the gospel. That's the only way that we will ever be truly blessed, even if it means we are giving up everything and everyone we have ever known, as I would be if I were to transition.
2 Timothy 1:7-8 (CSB):
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love, and sound judgment. 8 So don’t be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord, or of me his prisoner. Instead, share in suffering for the gospel, relying on the power of God.
We are not to live in fear, but trust fully in God's power, love, and wisdom. We are not to be ashamed or hold ourselves back when it comes to the gospel.
So, what I realized, who am I living for when I refuse to transition for fear of losing everyone and everything, things I never had? My close family never truly cared about me, and neither does my extended family or "friends" if they cannot accept who I am in Christ, because if one thing I've learned being trans, is that my identity is not only about gender, but more importantly who I am in Christ. If they cannot accept my identity in Christ, do they actually care about me? Most of them are Christians, and they should be accepting of my walk, and guiding me, if they refuse, the Lord WILL hold them accountable. They in the end, are not really hurting me, but themselves and their relationship with the Lord by refusing to help me in my walk.
Now, that said, I'm still scared. I know that I don't truly have a family or any friends. That's why I've been scared to lose what I have now, because losing them would force me to realize what I've known for a long time. But, we are not to be bound to the spirit of fear. We MUST go with God, no matter the Earthly cost. Now, the hardest part is that I do not have any support in real life, which kills me. But, the Lord has always been good and provided what I needed when I needed it the most, even if it wasn't when I wanted it. In addition, are we called to be miserable and depressed and suicidal? NO. Those things are of the devil. I am keeping myself from being able to be used fully by the Lord by continuing to wallow in misery. This isn't the life I've been called to. Now, it will be hard, I am scared, I am scared to lose every Earthly thing I've ever had. But, the Lord demands our trust. So, I know that I need the spirit of courage, but I fully recognize that I need to transition, sooner than later. How can I expect to be blessed when I refuse to follow Him, because wanting to kill myself is not of the Lord. I cannot be blessed when I wallow in that, because I lack faith.
Anyway, it's likely that I will be homeless, never be loved on this Earth (which kills me), but once again, am I to live for others, or for God? I need to pray much for strength and courage and wisdom, but I am going to start seriously looking into transitioning so I can fully follow the Lord's will, because yeah, that's scary. Being suicidal does nothing for anyone, myself, others, or the Lord.
One other note, continuing as Nick (my birth name, well, technically it's Nicholas, but no one outside of old people call me that, but that's beside the point, sorry I'm a very technical and exact person) will mean that I continue to lie, to myself, others, and God. It's not who I am.
Finally, will this hurt others? Yes, but at some point, I have to recognize, that's their problem, not mine. It will be hard for me as I hate hurting others, I hate myself when I do it, but, I must follow the Lord, and trust that He works it all out.
P.S. This is also a plea for accountability. Seriously, please hold me accountable to this, because if left to my own, I will never carry out what I posted, I will just crumble under the weight of it all without a force ensuring I keep moving on.
"Hope delayed makes the heart sick,
but desire fulfilled is a tree of life."
How true. Then, what has God called for us to do as Christians? Follow Him, no matter what, no matter how hard. God has promised to lift us up if we continue to obey His commands at several different points throughout the Bible. Not only that, but Jesus Himself said in Luke 14:26 (CSB):
"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, and even his own life--he cannot be my disciple."
What this verse is saying that Earthly relationships should NEVER be getting in the way with our relationships with the Lord. I come from an abusive family. My dad literally told me a few months that he literally didn't care about me. So, yeah, being loved is something I have never experienced. Ever. My desire for love has gotten in the way of my walk with the Lord as pleasing my parents with their impossible-to-reach standards has taken up all my attention. In addition, I've spent much time trying to literally buy love from my younger sisters, and try to be the perfect cisgender person for my extended family and "friends" who are literally "God hates f*gs" people, and be the perfect little cisgender male Christian for my church. Why? To please everyone. Because I desire love and attention. Those are not to be our focus. Our focus is to be strictly on God and His will.
Luke 6:22 (CSB)
"Blessed are you when people hate you, when they exclude you, insult you, and slander your name as evil because of the Son of Man."
Matthew 28:10 (CSB):
"Don’t fear those who kill the body but are not able to kill the soul; rather, fear him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell"
We're not to live in fear of other humans. Only of the devil, even when faced with death.
Mark 10:29-30 (CSB):
"I assure you," Jesus said, "there is no one who has left house, brothers or sisters, mother or father, children, or fields because of Me and the gospel, 30 who will not receive 100 times more, now at this time-houses, brothers and sisters, mothers and children, and fields, with persecutions-and eternal life in the age to come."
We are to follow the gospel. That's the only way that we will ever be truly blessed, even if it means we are giving up everything and everyone we have ever known, as I would be if I were to transition.
2 Timothy 1:7-8 (CSB):
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love, and sound judgment. 8 So don’t be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord, or of me his prisoner. Instead, share in suffering for the gospel, relying on the power of God.
We are not to live in fear, but trust fully in God's power, love, and wisdom. We are not to be ashamed or hold ourselves back when it comes to the gospel.
So, what I realized, who am I living for when I refuse to transition for fear of losing everyone and everything, things I never had? My close family never truly cared about me, and neither does my extended family or "friends" if they cannot accept who I am in Christ, because if one thing I've learned being trans, is that my identity is not only about gender, but more importantly who I am in Christ. If they cannot accept my identity in Christ, do they actually care about me? Most of them are Christians, and they should be accepting of my walk, and guiding me, if they refuse, the Lord WILL hold them accountable. They in the end, are not really hurting me, but themselves and their relationship with the Lord by refusing to help me in my walk.
Now, that said, I'm still scared. I know that I don't truly have a family or any friends. That's why I've been scared to lose what I have now, because losing them would force me to realize what I've known for a long time. But, we are not to be bound to the spirit of fear. We MUST go with God, no matter the Earthly cost. Now, the hardest part is that I do not have any support in real life, which kills me. But, the Lord has always been good and provided what I needed when I needed it the most, even if it wasn't when I wanted it. In addition, are we called to be miserable and depressed and suicidal? NO. Those things are of the devil. I am keeping myself from being able to be used fully by the Lord by continuing to wallow in misery. This isn't the life I've been called to. Now, it will be hard, I am scared, I am scared to lose every Earthly thing I've ever had. But, the Lord demands our trust. So, I know that I need the spirit of courage, but I fully recognize that I need to transition, sooner than later. How can I expect to be blessed when I refuse to follow Him, because wanting to kill myself is not of the Lord. I cannot be blessed when I wallow in that, because I lack faith.
Anyway, it's likely that I will be homeless, never be loved on this Earth (which kills me), but once again, am I to live for others, or for God? I need to pray much for strength and courage and wisdom, but I am going to start seriously looking into transitioning so I can fully follow the Lord's will, because yeah, that's scary. Being suicidal does nothing for anyone, myself, others, or the Lord.
One other note, continuing as Nick (my birth name, well, technically it's Nicholas, but no one outside of old people call me that, but that's beside the point, sorry I'm a very technical and exact person) will mean that I continue to lie, to myself, others, and God. It's not who I am.
Finally, will this hurt others? Yes, but at some point, I have to recognize, that's their problem, not mine. It will be hard for me as I hate hurting others, I hate myself when I do it, but, I must follow the Lord, and trust that He works it all out.
Anyway, that's my revelation. It will be terrifying, and EXTREMELY hard, but in the past and today in other countries, Christians are literally being KILLED for their faith, being put at the barrel of a gun and told to recant their faith or have their brains blown out. They are being tortured, imprisoned, used as slaves and organ "donors" for organ harvesting, and how insignificant my problem is compared to that! If I can't stand up for the faith when it comes to living as a woman, how could I ever expect to stand up when the government turns against the Lord and wants to kill me? I couldn't. It's time. Anyway, that's it.
I like your post. However, I believe you are incorrect about fearing the devil as the one who can destroy your body and soul in hell. There is only one who we should fear and that is God, our Father. Only, He can do that or allow the devil to do that.
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