Depression returns, but here's how I'm fighting back
So, yeah, inevitably my depression has returned after that high. It sucks that I can't be happy for more than 24 hours. Oh well. My severe dysphoria has come back to kick my ass some more, along with jealousy of those transitioning and have transitioned. Today I read several posts on Tumblr of those in the process of transitioning of how it's been the two best months of their lives in terms of self-image and comfort with themselves. Man, that makes me dysphoric and hate myself and mind-numbingly jealous.
Anyway, this time, I'm not going to let it completely leave me spiritually stranded. The Bible speaks of how He will deliver those who trust in Him in due time, and lift them up. I just need to keep those verses in mind when I'm struggling, like right now. He's there listening, caring, even when I feel He's not (which is often, sadly). I just need to keep that in mind. He understands me, and cares about me more than I can imagine (to be honest, it's hard to imagine anyone could care about me due to all the abuse I've been through, but I know He does, which brings a lot of comfort). I know He will let me transition someday. I just need to be patient. David waited 15 years to be King. Abraham waited until he was 100 to have a child. The Israelites wandered 40 years in the wilderness before reaching the Promised Land. Now, hopefully I don't have to wait 40 years, but no matter what, I know that after all the suffering I've been through, and all my waiting and anticipating, the joy of transitioning will only be that much greater!
At the end of the day, I want to transition more than anything. It honestly kills me that I can't right now. Transitioning with no support and having a family, close and extended, that literally hates LGBT people would destroy me even more than not transitioning now. I know that, though it still doesn't take away from the fact that I still want to. I just got to trust in the Lord's perfect timing. I know it will be longer than I want it to be, shorter than I expected it to be (speaking as from the time I actually get to do it), and at the perfect time. He's been perfect so far, so I just have to trust He will continue to be perfect.
Anyway, this time, I'm not going to let it completely leave me spiritually stranded. The Bible speaks of how He will deliver those who trust in Him in due time, and lift them up. I just need to keep those verses in mind when I'm struggling, like right now. He's there listening, caring, even when I feel He's not (which is often, sadly). I just need to keep that in mind. He understands me, and cares about me more than I can imagine (to be honest, it's hard to imagine anyone could care about me due to all the abuse I've been through, but I know He does, which brings a lot of comfort). I know He will let me transition someday. I just need to be patient. David waited 15 years to be King. Abraham waited until he was 100 to have a child. The Israelites wandered 40 years in the wilderness before reaching the Promised Land. Now, hopefully I don't have to wait 40 years, but no matter what, I know that after all the suffering I've been through, and all my waiting and anticipating, the joy of transitioning will only be that much greater!
At the end of the day, I want to transition more than anything. It honestly kills me that I can't right now. Transitioning with no support and having a family, close and extended, that literally hates LGBT people would destroy me even more than not transitioning now. I know that, though it still doesn't take away from the fact that I still want to. I just got to trust in the Lord's perfect timing. I know it will be longer than I want it to be, shorter than I expected it to be (speaking as from the time I actually get to do it), and at the perfect time. He's been perfect so far, so I just have to trust He will continue to be perfect.
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