Tired of it all

Fuck I want death. I want death more than anything. I just want relief. I want an end to this fucking wreck called "life." I'm tired of the meaningless and hopelessness that I always return to, no matter how hard I try to be happy, or stay happy in the mind-numbingly rare cases I do achieve that. I'm tired of being trans. I'm tired of being treated as sub-human. I'm tired of having to fight for basic human respect. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of the abuse. I'm tired of my walk with God being so stagnant that it barely even exists anymore. I'm tired of the fact that I have no support. I'm tired of the fact that I have no actual friends. I'm tired of the fact that I have no one to talk to about my problems. I'm tired of the fact that I have to keep bottling up every thought and emotion I ever have and keep making everything worse. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of praying for death to take me and it never coming. I'm tired of living. I'm tired of knowing that I'm a coward. I'm tired of knowing that I'm a liar. I'm tired of knowing that I have no faith. I'm tired of knowing that I'm too scared to tell my parents that I'm going to start transitioning and plan to try to conceal my changes and move out before they get too obvious but I know that I won't be able to get away because my parents did such a good job at raising me to be completely dependent on them so I can never get away so my parents will end up noticing and then kick me out onto the streets for not getting permission from them for making such a life-altering decision while living under their roof. I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of thinking about it all. I'm tired of typing it all. I'm tired. I'm spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically tired. I got nothing left. Fuck the world. It hates me? Fine. I hate it. Fuck it all.

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