My mental health: as seen in real-time
(WARNING: Strong language, highly disturbing content)
So, as you should hopefully know by now, this blog is my therapy. I don't have anywhere to go to let out what's killing me, I have no one to talk to. I'm alone in this, outside of one person I can go to with very surface-level problems, but doesn't even respond most of the time, and when she does isn't any help and has made clear she's tired of my problems. So, yay. I'm fucked. Anyway, I'm just going to let it out. I'm letting it flow. I'm about to kill myself. I've got nothing to fucking live for anymore. I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. I can't make one good decision. I'm so fucking miserable and hopeless. I let my parents abuse get to me. I spent my childhood lying my ass off to them, and now they don't trust a single thing I say and treat me like a child. I chose to open up to the person that allowed my parents to find out I'm trans and then treat me like shit. It's my fucking fault because I'm a fucking idiot. I hate myself so much. I should have transitioned during my "transition or die" moment a few months ago, I have only myself to blame for how miserable I am due to my meaninglessness and hopelessness from not having had transitioned, simply because I'm too scared from not having support and having no fucking spine. I should be able to deal with having no support. I should be able to deal with the mass disowning that will happen from it, but no, I've got no spine. I hate myself. I CAN'T TAKE IT. I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE IT. I CAN'T TAKE IT. Why does that pesky fucking human instinct survival have to be there? I NEED TO KILL MYSELF. Why can't I kill off that instinct? I CAN'T TAKE IT. I CAN'T TAKE IT. ICAN'T TAKE IT. I'VE GOT NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE. I'm so beyond discouraged I barely even pray anymore. I've prayed so long and hard for someone, someone I can go to for spiritual guidance, but NOTHING. The Bible tells us not to go it alone, but I've been praying for spiritual help for years now, AND NOTHING. THIS IS WHY I STRUGGLE WITH MY FAITH. GOD SAYS HE WILL SUPPLY ALL OUR NEEDS. WELL, I DON'T SEE HOW MINE ARE BEING MET. WHERE ARE YOU GOD? ARE YOU EVEN THERE? DO YOU CARE? ARE YOU LISTENING? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO MAKE ME TRANS? WHY DID YOU GIVE ME SUCH ABUSIVE PARENTS? WHY? I'VE GOT NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE. Please God, just take me. I can't do this anymore. Fuck, now I'm having to hold back tears and my Dad's in earshot. Fuck. I've got nothing left. My fucking misery is affecting literally everything, just because I'm fucking weak, I know I need to transition, but what will that in reality do? My life is so fucking shit horrible that I don't think I could ever be happy now. I'm so far gone, I've made so many horrible choices that at some point you have to pay for them, right? Well, here it is. What could transitioning do to make my life better? All I'd be doing is hurting every Christian around me, and my family, and lose everyone. I've got no one to replace anyone I'd lose. So, I guess it's better for me to live in misery so everyone else can be happy. Fuck. I've got nothing left to give. It's honestly probably better if I kill myself, tbh. My family is hurt just by me being trans, if I continue living as male, I'll do nothing but make shit decisions because I'm so miserable and hurt the family, if I live as female, they'll live in severe shame the rest of their lives. At least if I kill myself the pain will be gone in a few years, as opposed to the rest of their lives. It's the least I could do for them, give them the least painful option. I've got nothing else to give. It's probably the only smart thing I could ever do. I mean, it's not I could transition anyway unless I lived in a car. I don't make that kind of money anyway. I mean, I would probably end up in a car anyway, I'm irresponsible and am incapable of being a fucking adult.
Last night, I finally got up the guts to go the Trans Christianity Reddit forum, since they deal with spiritual problems dealing with being trans, and I went to them with the one presented in this article about hurting my fellow Christians, and the very response made me feel as if I were an idiot. They were so annoyed with me and gave off a snide remark. The place that advertises itself on helping people like me with problems like mine couldn't even find it in themselves to actually help me. What hope do I have? I've got nothing left to give. My own kind can't even help me. Why God, why? Why can't I get any help? The only help I could ever get is from the world. If the only help I could ever get is from the world, then why bother being a Christian if they can't even help me? What's the point of being a Christian. The world has everything I could ever need. Christianity has only ever provided empty promises of hope and community, and delivered none of them. Have I been living a delusion? I can't decide what I believe anymore. I don't know anything anymore. I don't know what I believe anymore, what I feel, what I enjoy or who I am, outside of the fact that I hate myself. I've got nothing left to give, fuck I want to cry. Why can't you leave already Dad? You're already five minutes late for where you need to get to. Fuck. I've got literally nothing left to give to this life. I'm going to go and see if I can force myself to kill myself. Probably not, which will only make me hate myself more. Anyway, I'll see if I can force myself to sit here and make today's Tumblr Roundup and schedule it for 2:00p.m. (EST) so you guys at least have that once I hopefully kill myself. Bye.
So, as you should hopefully know by now, this blog is my therapy. I don't have anywhere to go to let out what's killing me, I have no one to talk to. I'm alone in this, outside of one person I can go to with very surface-level problems, but doesn't even respond most of the time, and when she does isn't any help and has made clear she's tired of my problems. So, yay. I'm fucked. Anyway, I'm just going to let it out. I'm letting it flow. I'm about to kill myself. I've got nothing to fucking live for anymore. I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. I can't make one good decision. I'm so fucking miserable and hopeless. I let my parents abuse get to me. I spent my childhood lying my ass off to them, and now they don't trust a single thing I say and treat me like a child. I chose to open up to the person that allowed my parents to find out I'm trans and then treat me like shit. It's my fucking fault because I'm a fucking idiot. I hate myself so much. I should have transitioned during my "transition or die" moment a few months ago, I have only myself to blame for how miserable I am due to my meaninglessness and hopelessness from not having had transitioned, simply because I'm too scared from not having support and having no fucking spine. I should be able to deal with having no support. I should be able to deal with the mass disowning that will happen from it, but no, I've got no spine. I hate myself. I CAN'T TAKE IT. I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE IT. I CAN'T TAKE IT. Why does that pesky fucking human instinct survival have to be there? I NEED TO KILL MYSELF. Why can't I kill off that instinct? I CAN'T TAKE IT. I CAN'T TAKE IT. ICAN'T TAKE IT. I'VE GOT NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE. I'm so beyond discouraged I barely even pray anymore. I've prayed so long and hard for someone, someone I can go to for spiritual guidance, but NOTHING. The Bible tells us not to go it alone, but I've been praying for spiritual help for years now, AND NOTHING. THIS IS WHY I STRUGGLE WITH MY FAITH. GOD SAYS HE WILL SUPPLY ALL OUR NEEDS. WELL, I DON'T SEE HOW MINE ARE BEING MET. WHERE ARE YOU GOD? ARE YOU EVEN THERE? DO YOU CARE? ARE YOU LISTENING? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO MAKE ME TRANS? WHY DID YOU GIVE ME SUCH ABUSIVE PARENTS? WHY? I'VE GOT NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE. Please God, just take me. I can't do this anymore. Fuck, now I'm having to hold back tears and my Dad's in earshot. Fuck. I've got nothing left. My fucking misery is affecting literally everything, just because I'm fucking weak, I know I need to transition, but what will that in reality do? My life is so fucking shit horrible that I don't think I could ever be happy now. I'm so far gone, I've made so many horrible choices that at some point you have to pay for them, right? Well, here it is. What could transitioning do to make my life better? All I'd be doing is hurting every Christian around me, and my family, and lose everyone. I've got no one to replace anyone I'd lose. So, I guess it's better for me to live in misery so everyone else can be happy. Fuck. I've got nothing left to give. It's honestly probably better if I kill myself, tbh. My family is hurt just by me being trans, if I continue living as male, I'll do nothing but make shit decisions because I'm so miserable and hurt the family, if I live as female, they'll live in severe shame the rest of their lives. At least if I kill myself the pain will be gone in a few years, as opposed to the rest of their lives. It's the least I could do for them, give them the least painful option. I've got nothing else to give. It's probably the only smart thing I could ever do. I mean, it's not I could transition anyway unless I lived in a car. I don't make that kind of money anyway. I mean, I would probably end up in a car anyway, I'm irresponsible and am incapable of being a fucking adult.
Last night, I finally got up the guts to go the Trans Christianity Reddit forum, since they deal with spiritual problems dealing with being trans, and I went to them with the one presented in this article about hurting my fellow Christians, and the very response made me feel as if I were an idiot. They were so annoyed with me and gave off a snide remark. The place that advertises itself on helping people like me with problems like mine couldn't even find it in themselves to actually help me. What hope do I have? I've got nothing left to give. My own kind can't even help me. Why God, why? Why can't I get any help? The only help I could ever get is from the world. If the only help I could ever get is from the world, then why bother being a Christian if they can't even help me? What's the point of being a Christian. The world has everything I could ever need. Christianity has only ever provided empty promises of hope and community, and delivered none of them. Have I been living a delusion? I can't decide what I believe anymore. I don't know anything anymore. I don't know what I believe anymore, what I feel, what I enjoy or who I am, outside of the fact that I hate myself. I've got nothing left to give, fuck I want to cry. Why can't you leave already Dad? You're already five minutes late for where you need to get to. Fuck. I've got literally nothing left to give to this life. I'm going to go and see if I can force myself to kill myself. Probably not, which will only make me hate myself more. Anyway, I'll see if I can force myself to sit here and make today's Tumblr Roundup and schedule it for 2:00p.m. (EST) so you guys at least have that once I hopefully kill myself. Bye.
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No porn or cussing. Any comments made with the intent to harm others will be deleted as well. I have no problem with comments disagreeing with me, but the comments must be respectful. (That goes for comments agreeing with me as well)