A letter to my parents
This is a letter that I wrote to my parents telling them what I wish I could tell them about being trans, but can't.
Hi mom and dad,
It's me, the person you know as your son, Nicholas. I know that my being trans is hard for you. It's hard for you to think that the child you gave birth to who you thought was your son wants to be your daughter. Believe me, I know it's hard, but for me, it's even harder. Everyday I live with gender dysphoria, which at best when it's making it's presence known makes me uncomfortable, but often makes me want to die. I want to die because I'm living a lie. I'm not meant to live as your son. Believe me, I know that's confusing, why would God have me born as male if He didn't intend for me to live as one? The answer is: I don't know, nobody knows, but I know it's true. It's the only conviction that's ever stayed consistent with me. Look, I don't expect you to understand, I really don't, I'm just asking that you respect me for who I am, not who you thought I was and want me to be. I know you know me as your unmotivated, lazy, secretive son who doesn't have a good relationship with you. I don't want to be any of those things, but living as a man, to me is a lie. It's not who I am. It's something I feel forced to do. Would you be motivated if you were forced to live out a lie? We both know that the answer is "no". In regards to our relationship, which I know is poor. It's not that I want it to be, I want it to be strong, I want to be able to come to you with all my problems and trust you completely and ask you to help me. The problem again is, our current way of looking at the relationship, which is father and son and mother and son, can never work, it's not possible because it's not who I am. Believe me, I want a wonderful relationship, but we never can as long as you only want me to be your son. I know it will be hard for you to let go, but it will be for the better. Would you rather have an unmotivated, depressed, forever struggling in the faith son, or a happy, motivated, godly daughter? You've always told me that all you wanted was for me to be godly, to be a strong Christian. It's literally impossible for me to be that as a male, because by continuing to live as one I am lying, not only to myself but to you, my fellow Christians but God most importantly. The Lord has made it clear to me that I could only ever truly grow once I accept my calling as a woman and live as one. Right now, you're keeping me from that by refusing to accept my identity in Christ, because that's exactly what is, my identity in Christ. I know it will be hard, we'll lose friends, people won't want anything to do with you anymore, but I will be in the same boat, with even more rejecting me, and I'll be the one living with the guilt of having you lose friends. But, I promise it will be worth it, if you accept me as your daughter.
It's me, the person you know as your son, Nicholas. I know that my being trans is hard for you. It's hard for you to think that the child you gave birth to who you thought was your son wants to be your daughter. Believe me, I know it's hard, but for me, it's even harder. Everyday I live with gender dysphoria, which at best when it's making it's presence known makes me uncomfortable, but often makes me want to die. I want to die because I'm living a lie. I'm not meant to live as your son. Believe me, I know that's confusing, why would God have me born as male if He didn't intend for me to live as one? The answer is: I don't know, nobody knows, but I know it's true. It's the only conviction that's ever stayed consistent with me. Look, I don't expect you to understand, I really don't, I'm just asking that you respect me for who I am, not who you thought I was and want me to be. I know you know me as your unmotivated, lazy, secretive son who doesn't have a good relationship with you. I don't want to be any of those things, but living as a man, to me is a lie. It's not who I am. It's something I feel forced to do. Would you be motivated if you were forced to live out a lie? We both know that the answer is "no". In regards to our relationship, which I know is poor. It's not that I want it to be, I want it to be strong, I want to be able to come to you with all my problems and trust you completely and ask you to help me. The problem again is, our current way of looking at the relationship, which is father and son and mother and son, can never work, it's not possible because it's not who I am. Believe me, I want a wonderful relationship, but we never can as long as you only want me to be your son. I know it will be hard for you to let go, but it will be for the better. Would you rather have an unmotivated, depressed, forever struggling in the faith son, or a happy, motivated, godly daughter? You've always told me that all you wanted was for me to be godly, to be a strong Christian. It's literally impossible for me to be that as a male, because by continuing to live as one I am lying, not only to myself but to you, my fellow Christians but God most importantly. The Lord has made it clear to me that I could only ever truly grow once I accept my calling as a woman and live as one. Right now, you're keeping me from that by refusing to accept my identity in Christ, because that's exactly what is, my identity in Christ. I know it will be hard, we'll lose friends, people won't want anything to do with you anymore, but I will be in the same boat, with even more rejecting me, and I'll be the one living with the guilt of having you lose friends. But, I promise it will be worth it, if you accept me as your daughter.
Love, Anna.
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