Early signs that I was trans
So, I've lately been thinking about what some early signs would have been that I'm trans. Like, are there early indicators? Well, thinking back and unblocking some memories has made me realize, yes, there are some. In addition, I'll be discussing other forms of dysphoria that I forgot about, symptoms NOT related to early childhood. Now, full warning, this is NOT safe for work, and does contain stuff about sexual body parts.
So, the first thing I can remember off the top of my head was wanting to invert my penis into my body as a toddler. Long before I even knew that girls had a vagina. Yeah, I remember trying stuff my penis inside my body, before chickening out because I was scared about how I would then pee. But, I always wanted a smooth crotch, and knew I didn't want my penis. Once again, this is before I learned about the female vagina, so there is no other reason other than my female brain knowing what should be there, even if I didn't myself and thus, acting upon that.
Keeping on with talks about my penis, later on in puberty, or just before, two things I remember. The first one is wanting it to stay small. I hated watching my penis grow, it disgusted me so much. Second, I remember the first time I had an erection. I was beyond horrified. I knew that this shouldn't be happening, and did everything to cover it up. Yes, all guys try to cover that up, but I was doing it because I didn't want anyone to know that I have a penis, I wanted it gone, not there. Then, there was my first wet dream. I was beyond embarrassed and disgusted with myself.
Moving on from my penis (but not completely), let's talk comfort with things. In preschool the boys and girls used the same bathroom. The boys were sent to use the urinals and the other side was the stalls that the girls were supposed to use. I always went for the stalls. I only ever used the urinals once, and that was because I had to. All the other times I used the stalls, because that's what I assumed I was supposed to use, and what I felt comfortable with. I still, to this day, HATE using urinals. It has never felt right.
Then, I also noticed that I always felt more comfortable around girls and women. For instance, I always had more female friends then guy friends. I always felt comfortable in a room of women, but have always felt anxiety and discomfort in a room of men.
I remember that the church I grew up in held a "Death by Chocolate" every year, for two years, event for the high school youth group that my dad ran. I wasn't in high school, I was probably in 4th or 5th grade, but my dad always had me tag along since the 3rd grade, so I went to them to help. I was always envious of the girls and wish I was sitting with the girls and went to the girls lesson afterwards. I hated following the guys into the "guy room" for the "guy" lesson. I really do remember feeling a bit of me die in that moment. Just a horrible reminder that I was born male.
I also remember puberty. I remember Dad going to an Elder's meeting for the church and me and my sisters had to go along and hung out in the toddler room along with the daughter of one of the other Elder's. I was sitting on top of a shelf that was maybe 4 or 5 feet tall, and the girl we were with came up to say something to me, and was close enough that one of my feet accidentally went straight underneath her budding breasts. That was the first time I ever truly felt horrible about my body. I remember right there getting truly depressed thinking "I wish I was growing breasts. Why am I not? I should be." I just somehow felt that I should be growing breasts. Of course I kept trying to knock that notion out of my head, but my mind would not let the thought leave. My female mind knew and just wouldn't let me forget it.
Now, back to when I was a small child, before I understood that there were actual differences between boys and girls outside of girls having a prettier face, I remember toy preferences. I had plastic green army men, G.I. Joe's, the big dolls and the tiny 4 inch figures based off the comics and TV series. Those were my toys in addition to LEGO's (which I loved so much). My sisters had baby dolls and Barbies. Guess which toys I preferred? Yep. I loved playing with their baby dolls and pretending I was their mother, I loved playing "House" with their Barbies. I rarely touched my toys. Then, eventually my parents banned me from playing with girl toys and so I just played "House" with my G.I. Joe's instead. I honestly can not remember ever playing "War" or something boy-like with my toys, ever.
Going to a bit older again, I remember the first time I ever saw porn. Now, I've never looked up porn, I've legitimately never been interested in it whatsoever, so I never looked it up, but, it's the internet, you're going to see it at some point whether you want to or not, and I saw it. I was probably like 11 or so at the time, and I remember looking at the naked woman, not with lust, but jealousy. I remember thinking "that's what I should look like." I have never seen a naked woman and get turned on. If I feel anything, it's jealousy knowing I should have a female body myself, and that's assuming I feel anything. Most of the time I see it and move on and quickly forget. Which is especially useful seeing how much porn I get sent in my direct messages on Tumblr these days (Yes, this is a shot at you horn-dog blogs and sissy blogs, scum of the internet).
As a small child I remember being excited because I thought I was going to grow up to a woman. I was excited to be a wife and a mother. I truly couldn't wait to be a mom. When I found out I couldn't, it destroyed me, I cried myself to sleep. To be honest, not being able to be a mother is something that still hurts to this very day. It's genuinely hard for me to cope with. I've almost killed myself over it. I hope so much that they start uterus transplants really soon like all these doctors keep talking about, I really want my own child.
Another thing that used to make me cry a lot was the fact that no one ever told me that I look pretty. It crushed me when I was a little kid. I really didn't understand why no one said that I was pretty or cute. Instead, everyone called me "handsome", and I HATED it, ok, I still hate it. Being told I'm "handsome" and "nice, strong, young man" literally makes me want to kill myself, I'm not exaggerating whatsoever. It really does.
Anyway, that's all I can think of right now. I'd love to hear from you guys what you've experienced though and what you can relate with!
So, the first thing I can remember off the top of my head was wanting to invert my penis into my body as a toddler. Long before I even knew that girls had a vagina. Yeah, I remember trying stuff my penis inside my body, before chickening out because I was scared about how I would then pee. But, I always wanted a smooth crotch, and knew I didn't want my penis. Once again, this is before I learned about the female vagina, so there is no other reason other than my female brain knowing what should be there, even if I didn't myself and thus, acting upon that.
Keeping on with talks about my penis, later on in puberty, or just before, two things I remember. The first one is wanting it to stay small. I hated watching my penis grow, it disgusted me so much. Second, I remember the first time I had an erection. I was beyond horrified. I knew that this shouldn't be happening, and did everything to cover it up. Yes, all guys try to cover that up, but I was doing it because I didn't want anyone to know that I have a penis, I wanted it gone, not there. Then, there was my first wet dream. I was beyond embarrassed and disgusted with myself.
Moving on from my penis (but not completely), let's talk comfort with things. In preschool the boys and girls used the same bathroom. The boys were sent to use the urinals and the other side was the stalls that the girls were supposed to use. I always went for the stalls. I only ever used the urinals once, and that was because I had to. All the other times I used the stalls, because that's what I assumed I was supposed to use, and what I felt comfortable with. I still, to this day, HATE using urinals. It has never felt right.
Then, I also noticed that I always felt more comfortable around girls and women. For instance, I always had more female friends then guy friends. I always felt comfortable in a room of women, but have always felt anxiety and discomfort in a room of men.
I remember that the church I grew up in held a "Death by Chocolate" every year, for two years, event for the high school youth group that my dad ran. I wasn't in high school, I was probably in 4th or 5th grade, but my dad always had me tag along since the 3rd grade, so I went to them to help. I was always envious of the girls and wish I was sitting with the girls and went to the girls lesson afterwards. I hated following the guys into the "guy room" for the "guy" lesson. I really do remember feeling a bit of me die in that moment. Just a horrible reminder that I was born male.
I also remember puberty. I remember Dad going to an Elder's meeting for the church and me and my sisters had to go along and hung out in the toddler room along with the daughter of one of the other Elder's. I was sitting on top of a shelf that was maybe 4 or 5 feet tall, and the girl we were with came up to say something to me, and was close enough that one of my feet accidentally went straight underneath her budding breasts. That was the first time I ever truly felt horrible about my body. I remember right there getting truly depressed thinking "I wish I was growing breasts. Why am I not? I should be." I just somehow felt that I should be growing breasts. Of course I kept trying to knock that notion out of my head, but my mind would not let the thought leave. My female mind knew and just wouldn't let me forget it.
Now, back to when I was a small child, before I understood that there were actual differences between boys and girls outside of girls having a prettier face, I remember toy preferences. I had plastic green army men, G.I. Joe's, the big dolls and the tiny 4 inch figures based off the comics and TV series. Those were my toys in addition to LEGO's (which I loved so much). My sisters had baby dolls and Barbies. Guess which toys I preferred? Yep. I loved playing with their baby dolls and pretending I was their mother, I loved playing "House" with their Barbies. I rarely touched my toys. Then, eventually my parents banned me from playing with girl toys and so I just played "House" with my G.I. Joe's instead. I honestly can not remember ever playing "War" or something boy-like with my toys, ever.
Going to a bit older again, I remember the first time I ever saw porn. Now, I've never looked up porn, I've legitimately never been interested in it whatsoever, so I never looked it up, but, it's the internet, you're going to see it at some point whether you want to or not, and I saw it. I was probably like 11 or so at the time, and I remember looking at the naked woman, not with lust, but jealousy. I remember thinking "that's what I should look like." I have never seen a naked woman and get turned on. If I feel anything, it's jealousy knowing I should have a female body myself, and that's assuming I feel anything. Most of the time I see it and move on and quickly forget. Which is especially useful seeing how much porn I get sent in my direct messages on Tumblr these days (Yes, this is a shot at you horn-dog blogs and sissy blogs, scum of the internet).
As a small child I remember being excited because I thought I was going to grow up to a woman. I was excited to be a wife and a mother. I truly couldn't wait to be a mom. When I found out I couldn't, it destroyed me, I cried myself to sleep. To be honest, not being able to be a mother is something that still hurts to this very day. It's genuinely hard for me to cope with. I've almost killed myself over it. I hope so much that they start uterus transplants really soon like all these doctors keep talking about, I really want my own child.
Another thing that used to make me cry a lot was the fact that no one ever told me that I look pretty. It crushed me when I was a little kid. I really didn't understand why no one said that I was pretty or cute. Instead, everyone called me "handsome", and I HATED it, ok, I still hate it. Being told I'm "handsome" and "nice, strong, young man" literally makes me want to kill myself, I'm not exaggerating whatsoever. It really does.
Anyway, that's all I can think of right now. I'd love to hear from you guys what you've experienced though and what you can relate with!
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