Living With Borderline Personality Disorder

So, a while ago I told you all I would write an article discussing what it's like to live with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and now here it is. So, first, what is BPD? It is someone with at least 5 of these symptoms (taken from Psych Central):

1. Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, whether the abandonment is real or imagined
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
3. Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
6. Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative

So, let's go down point-by-point. So, for point 1, this is very relateable. Everything is a sign that I'm being abandoned to me. Anytime I don't get a text back within a day, I think that person is abandoning me, anytime someone gives a short response when I was expecting longer, I think I'm being abandoned. Everything makes me feel that I'm about to be abandoned. It's horrible. You just want to die so much of the time because everyone, in your mind is leaving you. You are alone. Completely alone.

Point two, we'd be here forever if I were to really break this one down. But yeah, it's impossible for me to have friendships because of how unstable I am, and I hate myself for it every single day. Anyway, moving on to point three. I have no self-image or sense of self, like, at all. I really have no idea who I am. In my mind I really am identity-less.

Point four, once again, me. Now, to be fair, I had this before BPD set in. My parents when I was a baby decided to teach me impulse control. One of the things they did was not feed me when I was hungry, instead, forcing me to wait until their mealtimes to eat. Then, when I was older, you know, when you're actually supposed to teach impulse control, they didn't, why? Because they believed that they had instilled it into me as a baby. So yeah, I've never had any impulse control. If I want to do it, I will do it. If I don't get to do it, I will pout, throw tantrums, etc. I really am just a big, overgrown child thanks to my parents awful parenting. I am nowhere close to being an adult in just about any aspect.

Point five, if you've been reading this blog for at least a few weeks, you already know this is pretty much my defining trait on this blog. I ALWAYS relapse into suicidal behavior, no matter what. Now the Christmas season is coming up. Christmas of 2016 I hit rock bottom for the first time. Ever since then around Christmastime when I've been suicidal, so that's not going to be getting better anytime soon.

Point six: right on point, and honestly, the description provided should pretty much give you enough idea of what it's like. Sorry, for me, describing emotions is very hard. Moving on to point seven, yeah, I'm always feeling empty, like my life is worth nothing and I have no meaning. I feel that God doesn't care about me and put me on this Earth strictly to suffer. I will never be more than what I am, and thus, I always feel empty.

Point eight is very relevant in my life. Whenever I think about the things that have happened to me and start thinking how worthless I am, or whenever my parents abuse me or I do something stupid to push a friend away, I fly into rage. I start screaming, literally beating myself up, and just be angry until I completely wear myself out. This happens at least several times a day.

Finally, point nine: I have paranoia, everything makes me paranoid when it comes to friends, literally almost everything is a clue pointing to them hating me and wanting nothing to do with me. I see this "clue", which stresses me out, then my brain won't stop letting me obsess on it, usually making me suicidal until I'm completely worn out and fall asleep.

So, yeah, life is very much a nightmare living with BPD. There is never relief from it. Just when things seem to be looking up, BPD comes out of nowhere to smack you down. It's horrible.