Ramblings on the church and other believers
First, before I get to the actual topic, I will not be posting this frequently starting tomorrow, I just wanted to give you all a bit of variety to give you all an idea of what this blog will be like. I'll probably post 1-3 times a week. I have a post coming tomorrow or Tuesday (possibly Wendsday, we'll see). Anyway, to the main topic:
As a transgender Christian, I have a bit of a unique view on the church most Christians who regularly attend church do not have. That is, I'm an outsider who has infiltrated the base. What do I mean by that? What I mean is that even though I regularly attend church and am quite involved with the church, I am still an outsider, despite being a regularly attending Christian. When you're hiding your dysphoria from everyone, it's hard to relate to the others as there is that big elephant weighing you down. In addition, it is likely that they are not too friendly to LGBT people (as is the case in every church I've attended). This keeps you from creating deep relationships with others in the church. You can't tell anyone, you'll automatically be an outcast! And for someone like me who isn't cisgender or straight, that also adds a roadblock as I cannot understand the straight mind at all, and yet I'm expected to! Don't get me wrong, I know how to pretend like I'm straight, but that's pretending. It just makes me feel terrible as I despise fakeness, and that's what I'm doing, being fake. I'm not allowed to be real, I can't open up about my struggles unless it in no way shape or form relates to gender or sexuality, but even then I don't want to share as they are generally minor in comparison to being trans, so I keep my mouth shut and silently suffer. Meanwhile I watch the church mobilize and help the others with their normal people problems, and I get depressed realizing that I don't get to get that kind of support, because I'm trans, which further distances me from the body.
Then resentment towards straight people enters my heart. I become a hypocrite. I can't stand that people hate me for my gender identity and sexual orientation, and yet I find myself doing the same. I know it's wrong. I'm trying so hard not to make excuses at the moment. So, I do want to apologize to my straight brothers and sisters in Christ (especially to those I know) for my hatred of you. I'm trying to be more forgiving, but it is hard at times, so please show some understanding in that as I work towards truly forgiving. I don't want to hate anymore.
Anyway, I'm rambling on too much. That's all for now.
As a transgender Christian, I have a bit of a unique view on the church most Christians who regularly attend church do not have. That is, I'm an outsider who has infiltrated the base. What do I mean by that? What I mean is that even though I regularly attend church and am quite involved with the church, I am still an outsider, despite being a regularly attending Christian. When you're hiding your dysphoria from everyone, it's hard to relate to the others as there is that big elephant weighing you down. In addition, it is likely that they are not too friendly to LGBT people (as is the case in every church I've attended). This keeps you from creating deep relationships with others in the church. You can't tell anyone, you'll automatically be an outcast! And for someone like me who isn't cisgender or straight, that also adds a roadblock as I cannot understand the straight mind at all, and yet I'm expected to! Don't get me wrong, I know how to pretend like I'm straight, but that's pretending. It just makes me feel terrible as I despise fakeness, and that's what I'm doing, being fake. I'm not allowed to be real, I can't open up about my struggles unless it in no way shape or form relates to gender or sexuality, but even then I don't want to share as they are generally minor in comparison to being trans, so I keep my mouth shut and silently suffer. Meanwhile I watch the church mobilize and help the others with their normal people problems, and I get depressed realizing that I don't get to get that kind of support, because I'm trans, which further distances me from the body.
Then resentment towards straight people enters my heart. I become a hypocrite. I can't stand that people hate me for my gender identity and sexual orientation, and yet I find myself doing the same. I know it's wrong. I'm trying so hard not to make excuses at the moment. So, I do want to apologize to my straight brothers and sisters in Christ (especially to those I know) for my hatred of you. I'm trying to be more forgiving, but it is hard at times, so please show some understanding in that as I work towards truly forgiving. I don't want to hate anymore.
Anyway, I'm rambling on too much. That's all for now.
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