Ramblings of a Transgender Christian

So, yeah, as you probably noticed, there was no "Tumblr Roundup" this Sunday. I'm sorry. I meant to give a notice, but I didn't. Why did I not give a notice or do a Tumblr Roundup? Because my dysphoria is attacking me extremely hard right now. I just want to die. It won't go away. It keeps coming back, stronger than before, sucking away my will to live. Lord, may I die or start transitioning, and I mean, transition SOON. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep wanting to die. I can't keep grabbing a knife from the kitchen, taking it to my room and chickening out at the last second. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep wanting to harm myself, only to stop myself at the last second. Lord, just let me be a woman.

So, the last few weeks at my church, despite how terrible the church is in their LGBT-phobia and treating me as sub-human because I'm trans, has the BEST song selection for worship time I've ever heard, and I've been to quite a few churches. These last two weeks in particular have had a few songs that have really been sticking with me, here they are: Your Love Oh Lord (by Third Day) The lines that really stick out to me here is "Your righteousness is like a mighty mountain, your justice flows like the ocean tide." Wow. As someone who's been mistreated my entire life, whether from parental abuse or from being trans, that brings a lot of comfort. Knowing that God is righteous, all the time, meaning His plan is righteous, all the time. Now, it gets better: his justice flows like the ocean tide. His justice is ready, it's coming, in fact, it may already be here. Knowing that justice will be paid out against those who cause me to suffer is such a wonderf...

Allright, so I refuse to stand by any longer. This blog will be moving off of Blogger and onto another blogging platform. Which, I’m not decided on yet, but we’ll see. I’ll also be moving my vlog videos off of YouTube and onto another video sharing platform. Which? Still not sure. Why am I doing this? I’m done supporting Google which is helping China create the world’s biggest surveillance state. So, stay tuned for updates.

My posts: Can relief ever come? Starting over Super woke Lebron James thinks you shouldn't voice support for Hong Kong Detroit Lie-Ins rant Music I've been listening to 10/18/19 Bootlicker Entertainment bans ANOTHER player for supporting Hong Kong In which a cis-gender male understands the trans community and bashes transtrenders in really good video Survival: Against the odds The best response to Blizzard yet Unpopular gaming opinions Other's posts: Pictures from Hong Kong that the Chinese govt. doesn't want you to see Ace Watkins for President! The double-standard of hitting on people Hell, churches, and the LGBT community Using Hello Kitty to free Hong Kong A PSA on the LGBT community Gender non-conforming and the trans community Why dysphoria is important

The western church is completely broken. They want nothing to do with actual problems. Let's pretend your soul is a clay jar. At church you're allowed to have a few cracks, and if you go to a really progressive church, maybe a piece or two removed, but nothing more. You're expected to be pretty whole, because the church just doesn't have time to help those who are broken. They've got to keep helping the happy, healthy, married people with kids, you know? That's what's really important, supporting only those who aren't broken or have very little broken. So, what if you're like me, single, abused, and transgender? Either one of those is enough to get you overlooked by the church. The church wants nothing to do with you if you're just one of those, much less all three. If I was a clay jar, I'd be broken to nothing but dust. There isn't anything left to put back together. A whole new jar would have to be created. That, churches DEFINITELY don...

This video right here is EXACTLY why I so strongly believe that being trans REQUIRES having dysphoria. If you don't have dysphoria, you aren't trans, you're cisgender. Time to stop making being transgender "trendy" and transitioning something to do if you're not the perfect stereotype of the gender you were born as. This allowance of the non-dysphoric people into the trans community is killing us. It's making us look stupid as all these cisgender people transition and then quickly detransition because they should never have had transitioned in the first place! It's wrong. Time to put an end to this. It's time to take back the trans community from cisgenders. Allright, that out of the way, let's move on. My work schedule is awful. I have no days off this week, next week and quite possibly for the foreseeable future. I have worked two 10 hour days this week, and next Monday I work an 11 hour day and Wednesday a 10 hour day. I'm already ...

Fuck I want death. I want death more than anything. I just want relief. I want an end to this fucking wreck called "life." I'm tired of the meaningless and hopelessness that I always return to, no matter how hard I try to be happy, or stay happy in the mind-numbingly rare cases I do achieve that. I'm tired of being trans. I'm tired of being treated as sub-human. I'm tired of having to fight for basic human respect. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of the abuse. I'm tired of my walk with God being so stagnant that it barely even exists anymore. I'm tired of the fact that I have no support. I'm tired of the fact that I have no actual friends. I'm tired of the fact that I have no one to talk to about my problems. I'm tired of the fact that I have to keep bottling up every thought and emotion I ever have and keep making everything worse. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of praying for death to take me and it never coming. I...

Ok everyone, so first off before I give you the goods, I am announcing that I am focusing on writing a paper on transgenderism, what it is, why it's not sinful, why you can be both trans and Christian, and why it needs to be supported. This is a huge, comprehensive study that will take some time, so you might notice less articles being posted for the next bit. So, anyway, here are this week's links! My stuff: Statements Chest update New job Prayers Q&A on chest update Neglected kid bingo Trans guy reacts to Trisha Paytas "apology" video Dysphoria tricks My Pre-HRT photo Activision Blizzard are a bunch of spineless, greedy cowards! Join the Trans Sanctuary Discord server! The Holy Spirit shows up to my workplace Wonder Woman is canonically a trans woman! Not sure what happened... Winnie the Pooh at Blizzcon Blizzard's awful non-apology makes them look worse Others posts: Yes, Antifa are terrorists Can we pray for you? I...

So, today someone posted Proverbs 13:12 (CSB) on a Discord server that I am on (not the one I run): "Hope delayed makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life." How true. Then, what has God called for us to do as Christians? Follow Him, no matter what, no matter how hard. God has promised to lift us up if we continue to obey His commands at several different points throughout the Bible. Not only that, but Jesus Himself said in Luke 14:26 (CSB): "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, and even his own life--he cannot be my disciple." What this verse is saying that Earthly relationships should NEVER be getting in the way with our relationships with the Lord. I come from an abusive family. My dad literally told me a few months that he literally didn't care about me. So, yeah, being loved is something I have never experienced. Ever. My desire for love has gotten in the way of m...

Well, it was bound to happen. The dysphoria has completely consumed me.

This is a letter that I wrote to my parents telling them what I wish I could tell them about being trans, but can't. Hi mom and dad, It's me, the person you know as your son, Nicholas. I know that my being trans is hard for you. It's hard for you to think that the child you gave birth to who you thought was your son wants to be your daughter. Believe me, I know it's hard, but for me, it's even harder. Everyday I live with gender dysphoria, which at best when it's making it's presence known makes me uncomfortable, but often makes me want to die. I want to die because I'm living a lie. I'm not meant to live as your son. Believe me, I know that's confusing, why would God have me born as male if He didn't intend for me to live as one? The answer is: I don't know, nobody knows, but I know it's true. It's the only conviction that's ever stayed consistent with me. Look, I don't expect you to understand, I really don't, I...

So, yeah, inevitably my depression has returned after that high. It sucks that I can't be happy for more than 24 hours. Oh well. My severe dysphoria has come back to kick my ass some more, along with jealousy of those transitioning and have transitioned. Today I read several posts on Tumblr of those in the process of transitioning of how it's been the two best months of their lives in terms of self-image and comfort with themselves. Man, that makes me dysphoric and hate myself and mind-numbingly jealous. Anyway, this time, I'm not going to let it completely leave me spiritually stranded. The Bible speaks of how He will deliver those who trust in Him in due time, and lift them up. I just need to keep those verses in mind when I'm struggling, like right now. He's there listening, caring, even when I feel He's not (which is often, sadly). I just need to keep that in mind. He understands me, and cares about me more than I can imagine (to be honest, it's hard t...

So, last night, on my Discord server I was talking to user Natalie, who runs the wonderful Tumblr blog " LGBT and Christian " about my spiritual struggle with Romans 14:13-23. Then she posted this: Then I responded with: That's when she responded with the most encouraging thing I've ever heard about being trans that restored hope to me. Look, will it be hard? YES. I want to transition right now. The unfortunate reality is, I can't. It's too dangerous physically and mentally. I have no support. Someday, I will transition though, and I can only imagine how much better it will feel knowing how long I've waited for it. But man I can't wait for that day. Lord, may it come soon and help me be patient until then, whenever it is.

Ok, so I did almost commit suicide this morning as you likely know this morning if you read my first article of the day. Thankfully, I was able to completely wear myself down before I actually did it. Plus, writing all that out did really help. Just sitting down, writing out my thoughts as I thought them, it's the most therapeutic thing I've ever done. So, since that moment I've just felt numb for the most part, depressed and angry. That's the only constant in my life, anger. I wish I knew how to let go of it, but I don't. It's so destructive. Anyway, I know that this is going to sound sappy and manipulative, but it's true. I'm alive because of you guys. Look, I only get on average 8-12 readers a post. I have regular readers in the US, Britain, Ukraine, Denmark, Australia, France, and Brazil. It's an international audience. My blog is pretty niche, like, you're not looking up "transgender Christians" for the fun of it, you're like...

Allright, here is this week's Tumblr Roundup. My posts: Spider-Man is back in the MCU...and I'm not cheering Sunday Music: "A Prayer" by Kings Kaleidoscope Filters and other trans things Join the Trans Sanctuary Discord server Trouble already So, today's my birthday... Depressing ramblings about being trans and abuse "Dysphoria isn't a symptom of being trans." WHAT?!  Posts by others: Do not fear I know you feel like giving up You're not a bad person for not finishing college Experimenting with gender The reality of brain sex How tucutes harm the trans movement

(WARNING: Strong language, highly disturbing content) So, as you should hopefully know by now, this blog is my therapy. I don't have anywhere to go to let out what's killing me, I have no one to talk to. I'm alone in this, outside of one person I can go to with very surface-level problems, but doesn't even respond most of the time, and when she does isn't any help and has made clear she's tired of my problems. So, yay. I'm fucked. Anyway, I'm just going to let it out. I'm letting it flow. I'm about to kill myself. I've got nothing to fucking live for anymore. I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. I can't make one good decision. I'm so fucking miserable and hopeless. I let my parents abuse get to me. I spent my childhood lying my ass off to them, and now they don't trust a single thing I say and treat me like a child. I chose to open up to the person that allowed my parents to find out I'm trans and then treat me lik...

(NOTE: I just finished writing this, and I apologize in advance for how all-over the place this is, I just have a lot I need to get out) Last night, pretty much the only person I can talk at all to about my problems (and I really can't talk to her about much of them, it's very surface level), and she basically made it clear last night, she doesn't really want anything more to do with me or my problems, and that if I want to continue being her friend, I have to transition and stop caring what other people think. The problem is, when I asked her how to stop caring about what other people think, she answered "just let their reactions go". When I asked how to let it all go, she responded "No one really knows". Ok, so how is this supposed to help? In other words, you basically have to have been born not caring what others think. I go online and look up to see if there's any help. Nope. I should have guessed. The internet is pretty much the most useless ...

Due to changing work schedule, I will be moving Tumblr Roundup to Sunday afternoons (American time). Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause, but it will just be too much to keep having it ready every Saturday morning once I start my job at the Salvation Army on Tuesday.

Allright, so it's been far too long since I've done one of these. I've already done two of them, on Deuteronomy 22:5 and Genesis 1 . Now today I'm taking on Psalm 139:13-14 and why it DOES NOT condemn transgenderism. What are the verses? 13 For it was you who created my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 I will praise you because I have been remarkably and wondrously made. Your works are wondrous, and I know this very well. The argument made here by those who do not support transgenderism is that these verses here make it very clear that how we are born is NOT a mistake, God made us that way for a certain reason. In my case, my being born male was done for a reason, and thus I am a male, and am to remain male, because God does not make mistakes, and by me being transgender and when I transition, I would be claiming God made a mistake. Now, before I show why what they say is ridiculous, I will have to take a step back and address the claim...