Ramblings of a Transgender Christian

Hey guys, sorry for posting this so late, but I'm moving the blog over to a new site, eventually the website's domain will change to this one, once I have the money, but for now, here is the new URL: https://transramblings.weebly.com/

To those I know in real life and online, I want to apologize. I want to apologize for how self-absorbed I am. I want to apologize for how attention seeking I am. I want to apologize for how depressing I am. I want to apologize for how I burden you with my problems. I want to apologize for how I push you all away, either by being too clingy or by being generally unpleasant or by straight-out ignoring you. I know I am an unpleasant person to be around, I am about as far removed from being a person you want to hang-out with as you can get. I am sorry. I want you all to know, I am trying. I know it often, ok, probably all the time, looks like I'm not, and I'm just oblivious to my behavior. Honestly, there are some things I am probably oblivious to, and even more than that, I admit, often times, while I'm in the act of doing so, I am oblivious to how my actions and words come across. Other times, I do know how they're coming across, but I cannot stop myself, due to how ing...

What is it that every therapist, and then every single person because of them telling people that they should open up to others, stop doing things on their own, you know, get help, especially if you're mentally ill. Well, this past year, I have been doing that. And do you know what I've learned? It's not worth it. All it does is create more problems and bring you down even more. I've opened up my soul, my heart to others. I've let others know what it is I've been through and am going through. I've texted people when feeling suicidal. All that's happened is me feeling even worse and more horrible at the end of it all. All I've learned is that it's not worth it. My mental health has only gotten worse when sharing my burdens with others. So, what I'm saying is, I'm done doing that. This blog will be my sole outlet for my burdens, as people are incapable of helping me at all. I've already cut my mental ties loose with everyone I used to s...

So, I’m less than three months away from (hopefully) transitioning. Now, all I can think is, “is this really me?” “Can I really be a woman?” “Am I really a woman?” “What if I’m wrong?” “What if being trans really is a sin and I’m just twisting the Bible to justify my lifestyle?” “Maybe I’m not really a woman” “Maybe I’m not made out for this,” “I can’t really do this.” So, yeah, lots of doubting and second-guessing now that this is getting legit real.

I've had it with these hypocrites. I'm talking about the tucute community. They love to complain and talk about how us transmeds "gatekeep" and "discriminate," then why the fuck does every trans resource out there openly discriminate against transmeds? Why do they LITERALLY gatekeep against us? No transmed has actually prevented anyone from getting help, in fact, we ENCOURAGE people to get help. Do you know who's preventing people from getting help? TUCUTES, by literally saying that if you're transmed you're not allowed to get help there. Literally almost every trans resource I've gone to for help says transmeds are not allowed. Therefore, I continually get blocked from resources I genuinely need. No transmed keeps people from getting the resources others need, we promote help and finding it. And then there's the tucutes who love to claim that they want tolerance, resources for everyone, no gatekeeping, no discrimination, etc. and yet all...

As soon as I came to the realization earlier this morning that I’m just a horrible child and that I should just be what my parents want, their perfect servant son, I felt so much better. I’ve fought all these years against that, and made my life so much more miserable. Trying to be their independent daughter. Now, I’m devoting my life to being their servant son, as they wanted. That’s why they never loved me before, how could they? All I did was rebel against them, afterall, they brought me into this world so I could be that. Maybe now they will finally love and care about me.

I'm done with it all. First off, I'm sick and tired of people telling me that things are "going to be allright" and things will eventually get better, and someday I'll look back at this as a nightmare. How do you know? How do you know that things will? Answer: you don't. You're saying this to make yourself feel better, because all it takes is an internet search to quickly prove that things don't always get better, in fact, they often get worse. Things don't always get better, especially if you have no skills, are literally incapable of living on your own, you're impulsive, you're irresponsible, and have a terrible reputation for how immature you are. My parents will always own my ass because I can't escape from them. I know nothing about the real world. Working at Salvation Army has taught me that, don't get me wrong, I know about the really horrible things of the world like human trafficking, people who steal, kill, drug abuse and ...

Honestly, the worst part of my whole, horrific situation is knowing that I can't save myself. I've tried for years now, and I only just keep getting beat down. Every time I think I know how to get out, I find out something else and realize I can't get out that way, I'm incapable. I'm screwed. There is no getting out for me on my own. I am not able to get out of this situation without putting myself in a worse situation, which is running away. I have nowhere to run to. All I'd be doing is screwing myself over even worse. I hate that. I want to save myself, but I can't. I'm unable. Then, there's the knowledge that no one can save me. There's no one who would. I'm trapped. My being born was a horrible mistake, and my entire life has been nothing but mistakes. That's all I am and ever will be, a mistake. A big, horrible, disgusting mistake. I'm not worth a thing in this world. No one cares about me or ever could. I'm too unlikeable. T...

So, I was originally going to post this on a certain Discord server, before realizing that there was probably nothing that any of them could do, and then I thought maybe I should post it on Reddit, before realizing it didn't fit in with any of the communities. So, I'm stumped. I guess I'll post this here. This is my last cry for help. "So, I'm new here, and I'm not sure if I'm even putting this in the right channel, but it seems like it is, so I'm posting this here. Anyway, so if you didn't see me in introductions, I'm Anna, pre-HRT MTF who is 21 and from Ft. Wayne, IN. Now that we got that out of the way, on to the main course: So, my parents are extremely abusive. They have been my entire life. They literally only had me and my younger sisters so that they looked good to their Christian conservative friends. They view us as programmable robots, robots to be programmed to do one thing and one thing only, make them look good. We are not humans...

Ok, I know that this is kind of a big departure from my normal material on this blog, but I want to dive into some political theory. I love politics, outside of history, economics, and psychology it's what I've studied the most of. There's a genuine science to politics, and that science seems to be lost to most today, including most career politicians, which is a shame, as it's rather important, and to be honest, a rather beautiful study. So, as you can tell from the title, I am discussing today why the right cannot beat the left. To explain why, we have to do something first, destroy our current view of political sides. Currently we view political viewpoints as a dichotomy, but I believe this to be the wrong way to look at it, it's not accurate. Instead, we should look at it as a triangle. Yes, it's far more complex, but it reflects reality, which is, complicated. So, now, let's break down this triangle. It would take too long and completely derail t...

So, I've pretty much given up on life. I'm done really fighting. I'm done striving for a better life. I'm done fighting for transition. I'm just ready to die. I just want relief. Life's never going to get better. Let's say somehow I'm able to escape my parents. I'm going to either end up in some shithole to live in on the bad end of town because that's all I can afford or end up sleeping in my car, which is most likely as I'm not responsible at all. Then, I know I should cut off my parents completely, but if I do, there's no support base I have at all. I have no friends. No one in real life likes me. I'm annoying, immature, cynical, really loud, etc. Seriously, I have a horrible reputation. It's obvious that I never grew up. I'm stuck as a child. I try to grow up and act like an adult, but when I do it only makes things worse because I have no idea what I'm doing. When someone tries to befriend me or help me out I just end...

(WARNING: Potentially triggering content, strong language) I've fucking had it. I can't take it any fucking more. Last Friday, I completely lost the ability to cope with my parents abuse. I had an hour-long mental breakdown at my library job that day along with a panic attack. I could not handle it whatsoever, and it never got better. Over the weekend I had several breakdowns and near-breakdowns. Then Monday came around. It was about 8 AM and I was at the library in the children's area shelving children's chapter books, then an urge I had only ever felt once and that one time it hadn't been all that bad so I didn't do it happened. The urge to self-harm. Previously, the only urge I had ever felt was to kill myself, and for the most part, I've learned to cope with that. This is a different urge. And it was really, really, strong, like, uncontrollably strong. So, I harmed myself right there and then. After I finished, I collapsed. Everyone was up at the front...

So, I've lately been thinking about what some early signs would have been that I'm trans. Like, are there early indicators? Well, thinking back and unblocking some memories has made me realize, yes, there are some. In addition, I'll be discussing other forms of dysphoria that I forgot about, symptoms NOT related to early childhood. Now, full warning, this is NOT safe for work, and does contain stuff about sexual body parts. So, the first thing I can remember off the top of my head was wanting to invert my penis into my body as a toddler. Long before I even knew that girls had a vagina. Yeah, I remember trying stuff my penis inside my body, before chickening out because I was scared about how I would then pee. But, I always wanted a smooth crotch, and knew I didn't want my penis. Once again, this is before I learned about the female vagina, so there is no other reason other than my female brain knowing what should be there, even if I didn't myself and thus, acting ...

Allright, I know that this is going to be incredibly controversial, but I'm saying it anyway. So, I know that it's viewed as a bad thing that there are so many denominations and sects of the Christian church, but I don't think it's necessarily so bad. Now, the infighting and fighting with other groups is bad, but just the act of having so many is not. Here's why. The Bible can be interpreted in many ways. Why is that? Because God made it so that we NEED to have different beliefs on what certain scriptures say to help us grow closer to Him. How boring would it be if we all had the same needs! Now, here's where I'm really going to get controversial. Arminianism vs. Calvinism. Look, I know many reading this probably have extremely strong beliefs on this, but how is it that several people can interpret the hotly debated verses and be so confident in their interpretation? Is it truly that they're such sin-filled heretics that are fooling themselves, or is it ...

So, these last few days I've been praying, almost crying my eyes out and singing praises to Him, due to how severe the dysphoria has gotten. Then, this morning something happened, well, two things. First was around 4am, where I felt like God was telling me something. I don't want to say what it is so publicly just in case it wasn't God, because I'm not 100% certain, I'm like maybe 85%-90% though, but still, because it's a big promise. If you really want to know, just message me and I'll tell you, but I'm not posting it publicly. Like, if it was God, it was the most encouraging message I've ever heard. The second thing was when I was at my library job this morning. It was probably around 8am, and I was praying and singing, and then I felt the Spirit telling me to quiet myself. I did, and after a few minutes I felt God speak to me, now this time, I know for a FACT that it was God. Basically, He told me that He was honoring my prayers, that He going to ...

WARNING: This post contains content about sensitive matters. Read at own risk. Hey, sorry for the lack of posts recently. It's hard for me to do anything right now. I can't find any enjoyment in anything, at all, video games, music, blogging, etc. It's hard to do anything, heck, I'm forcing myself to write out this blogpost right now. My dysphoria has gone onto a new plane. Now it's fully embedded in me. Normally I feel an anxiety-like feeling when it attacks, and while I still do get that sometimes, now it's just there, it doesn't feel like anything, but I know it's there eating me apart. I can't really explain it well, but I just know it's there despite the fact that I can't really feel it anymore, and it never goes away. I can't sleep or if I do sleep, it's not restful. I have to either force myself to eat, or I feel like I'm literally starving, I lost the ability to walk yesterday for about 10 minutes because my dysphoria g...

So, yeah, as you probably noticed, there was no "Tumblr Roundup" this Sunday. I'm sorry. I meant to give a notice, but I didn't. Why did I not give a notice or do a Tumblr Roundup? Because my dysphoria is attacking me extremely hard right now. I just want to die. It won't go away. It keeps coming back, stronger than before, sucking away my will to live. Lord, may I die or start transitioning, and I mean, transition SOON. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep wanting to die. I can't keep grabbing a knife from the kitchen, taking it to my room and chickening out at the last second. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep wanting to harm myself, only to stop myself at the last second. Lord, just let me be a woman.

So, the last few weeks at my church, despite how terrible the church is in their LGBT-phobia and treating me as sub-human because I'm trans, has the BEST song selection for worship time I've ever heard, and I've been to quite a few churches. These last two weeks in particular have had a few songs that have really been sticking with me, here they are: Your Love Oh Lord (by Third Day) The lines that really stick out to me here is "Your righteousness is like a mighty mountain, your justice flows like the ocean tide." Wow. As someone who's been mistreated my entire life, whether from parental abuse or from being trans, that brings a lot of comfort. Knowing that God is righteous, all the time, meaning His plan is righteous, all the time. Now, it gets better: his justice flows like the ocean tide. His justice is ready, it's coming, in fact, it may already be here. Knowing that justice will be paid out against those who cause me to suffer is such a wonderf...

Allright, so I refuse to stand by any longer. This blog will be moving off of Blogger and onto another blogging platform. Which, I’m not decided on yet, but we’ll see. I’ll also be moving my vlog videos off of YouTube and onto another video sharing platform. Which? Still not sure. Why am I doing this? I’m done supporting Google which is helping China create the world’s biggest surveillance state. So, stay tuned for updates.

My posts: Can relief ever come? Starting over Super woke Lebron James thinks you shouldn't voice support for Hong Kong Detroit Lie-Ins rant Music I've been listening to 10/18/19 Bootlicker Entertainment bans ANOTHER player for supporting Hong Kong In which a cis-gender male understands the trans community and bashes transtrenders in really good video Survival: Against the odds The best response to Blizzard yet Unpopular gaming opinions Other's posts: Pictures from Hong Kong that the Chinese govt. doesn't want you to see Ace Watkins for President! The double-standard of hitting on people Hell, churches, and the LGBT community Using Hello Kitty to free Hong Kong A PSA on the LGBT community Gender non-conforming and the trans community Why dysphoria is important