Ramblings of a Transgender Christian

Allright, here are my posts over this past week! Carmen Sandiego Season 2 Vlog #1 Sunday music: Death in Reverse by John Mark McMillan What's the point of life? A very short prayer for relief How is this post uplifting? Anger management issues Other's posts: A VERY disturbing look into a gay conversion therapy camp (Seriously, this is highly disturbing and graphic stuff that includes rape, so you have been warned) The truth about pansexuals Proud Onisionphobe Flexing on TERFs God and you

Allright, so a quick update on where I am after the last post. I still don't know. I'm in complete turmoil at this point. So, I'm assuming the majority of my readers are transgender (but I have absolutely no proof of this, I'm just assuming that you are because let's be honest, you're probably not looking up websites made for trans-people unless, you know, you're trans), and you probably know about the "transition or die" moment that many trans people experience. For the cisgender people (or the trans people who don't know), there's a moment in many transgender's lives where the dysphoria becomes so overwhelming that they will literally kill themselves if they don't transition. I am fully convinced, without any actual evidence that many of the suicides which plague the community come from this. Well, I survived that moment which came earlier this summer shortly after I started this blog. For those who have not hit that point or are ...

Did my parents abuse me? Yes. Have I been abused by pastors and other people at church? Yes. Do I get treated like sub-human? Yes. But, at what point do my problems that would be attributed to them stop being attributed to them and only to me? I still made the choice to hate my parents. I still allowed myself to get depressed. I allowed my dysphoria to take the better of me. Did my parents raise me to be a independent responsible adult? No. If I cared about being that, I still would have pursued it. My parents are right, I am a failure. I, truly am. I made the decisions. I made the decision to hide my emotions from the world, the ones killing me right now. I am why everything bad is happening and why I'm suffering. I fucked myself up. All they did was turn my head in that direction, I took the steps because I'm a idiot who is irresponsible and a horrible sinner. I hurt others. It's my job to stop hurting them. I'm a terrible human being. I'm not a victim. What about...

I've never been happy. Even as a child, I was not happy. I hated myself, was fearful and sad. Never have been happy. I can county on two hands the amount of days in my life as happy. They are some of the worst days of my life. Why? Because it was uncomfortable. Being happy makes me uncomfortable, because it's an emotion I'm not used to feeling, at all. It's alien to me. It doesn't feel right. You could say it makes me dysphoric (in a non-gender sense). Today I've finally come to grips with the fact that I'm scared of being happy. I don't like how uncomfortable it makes me feel, how weird it is. As horrible as misery is, at least it's normal, I understand it. It makes me comfortable in a very twisted, un-healthy way. So, yeah, I'm scared of being fixed, being healthy, because I'm not used to how it feels. I'm scared of the unknown, I'm scared of what makes me feel uncomfortable, weird, even if it's a desirable outcome. I'm scar...

So, this is my Tumblr roundup for this week, earlier this week I posted a Tumblr roundup for the previous two weeks, which you can check out by clicking here . My posts: Streaming services Snapchat LGBT Panic Laws Pokemon Update on social media Epilepsy Carmen Sandiego Season 2 Favorites posts from others: Prefer to be single Men are disgusting, but girls are good? How much God loves us

     So, just a few minutes ago I was looking at my baby pictures in the scrapbook mom put together. I was fascinated with the pictures of me when I was only a few days old. I love studying psychology, especially developmental psychology, and even more specific, developmental psychology pertaining to infants. When you're that young, still fresh out of the womb, you don't know anything. You don't know who anyone is, or even what a human really is for that matter, you don't know where you are, who you are, anything. You can't grasp anything as your mind hasn't developed. In addition to that, you are literally helpless. You literally require others to do just about everything for you.      Now, that said, even you're grown up, you're still that way. No matter how much we think we think we know about the universe, ourselves, relationships, scientific laws, God, etc. we find that we know next to nothing about anything. Literally the more we know, the more we...

So, I decided to redesign this blog and my Tumblr blog, make them look a bit better. I recognize that this blog still doesn't look great, but it's the best I could do. Plus, it has more stuff now. Also, I'm starting up a Discord server and secret Facebook group. What should the name of those be? I need suggestions! In addition, I'm rebooting my YouTube channel. I wasn't enjoying what I was originally doing, so now I'm focusing on vlogging with it. Anyway, that's all I wanted to say.

So, as you can tell if you've been reading this blog for awhile, I struggle with suicidal thoughts, A LOT. I've been suicidal for the majority of the last 5 years now. How I'm still alive, I do not know, I guess God really wants me around. Why? I don't know, as I don't feel that I serve any true purpose, but I guess there must be one, and boy do I wish He would just let me know what it is because I'm sick and tired of living without purpose or meaning and without an identity. So, as you probably know, I've been abused my entire life by my parents. I never trusted them, never felt loved, and to be honest, pretty much hated them and have been waiting to escape them since I was a small child. Then, in on August 13, 2013 me and my family moved to Indiana from the Toledo, OH area. Away from all family and friends (except for a few), where my parents pretty much could do whatever they truly wanted with us. That's when things really fell apart. In about June of...

Yes, this is a few days late, but my mental health wouldn't let me post this. I need to post this, so I'm doing it today. I really am sorry for this guys. My posts: Starting a new job tomorrow... EpicWorship playlist Ramblings: First day on the job, LifeWay, and interviews A Second Job Already I can't even... My mental health is dead Quick update It's over Self-Esteem National Video Game Day Truth about Contrapoints and Non-binary Rock bottom Mental Health Update Messaging and Social Media Best posts from others: How tucutes and cringeqweers in LGBT spaces discourages those who actually need support in LGBT spaces Pray a lot for everything Just because you carry it so well... What exclusionist really means

Hey, I'm sorry for lack of posts and not keeping up with "Tumblr Roundup" (which is my most popular feature). These last few weeks my mental health has been on the decline. This past week, especially last few days, it has hit rock bottom, and then found a way to dig even deeper underneath. I'm literally calling suicide prevention hotlines at least once a day, if not more. I've literally run out of hope. I've got nothing left to give to this life. I'm literally just running on fumes. It's like I'm a zombie. There's no life inside of me anymore. Everything is just going on around me and I'm not a part of it. If I can come out of this, I'll start posting more, but I just can't right now. It's near impossible to think of anything but this pain.

     So, this has been something on my mind, a lot, lately. Giving thanks to the Lord...always. In fact, this is actually a command from the Bible, 1 Thessalonians 5:18 . So, what does this look like? Well, simply, giving thanks to God in all circumstances, including the bad ones. Believe me, that's hard to do, I know. Let me give you some background. I was born screwed up. I was born with an esophagus that connected to my lungs and a windpipe that didn't but instead dead-ended. The doctors told my dad that I would be lucky to live to be six months. Obviously, I've lived slightly longer than that. So, that's a praise, right? Yes, but it came with side-effects. As a child, I could not stop coughing because of the surgery that I had due to that defect when I was less than a day old. Today, I don't have that problem as much, but I do have a bit of a coughing problem and can make myself cough with no effort. In addition, my stomach acid reflex is very strong, including ...

So, I've been thinking this a lot lately, and the thought is, "do I owe it to others to NOT transition?" Here's my thought process on that: as Christians we are called to build one another up, not be stumbling blocks and help guide each other into a deeper connection with the Lord, and not harm the other. My transition would only deeply hurt others, in fact, in some cases, just the knowledge that I'm trans hurt others, especially my family. So, as a Christian, do I owe it to them to not transition to not deepen the hurt? There's nothing about transitioning that would be building others up, in fact it would be the opposite. On the other hand, I do believe that not transitioning does hurt me physically and spiritually. So, I know what the response would be for those pro-trans, "if it's hurting you spiritually, do what's best," and I would agree, if it didn't cause more harm spiritually for more people. You see, it's a Catch-22. Am I o...