More ranting on friends

Ok, I need to revisit the "lack of friends" thing. I know this probably doesn't make for good blog material, but this blog is my therapy, since I don't have anyone I can go to, so I'm ranting about it more here.

Anyway, since I really didn't have friends growing up, I never learned how to deal with losing friends or fake friends as a kid. Now I'm an adult who has no one to go to for help figuring basic stuff like this out. The knowledge that they're fake friends is eating me alive. I want to die because of it. Because of them I will never trust again. I let my walls fall down for them, because it's supposedly what's healthy. They were my last shot at trusting anyone. Fuck this world. I'd rather die than trust again. I can't take anymore pain. The only comfort I have anymore are the Psalms written about false friends.

I confronted one of the fake friends, and they claimed they weren't, and came up with good reasons. I believed them. For a few days they did a good job convincing me. They stopped trying after a few days. I can't take it anymore. The ironic thing is, right now as I write this, I'm listening to the Eminem song "Talkin' 2 Myself", never has a more relatable song played at such the right time. I have no strength left. I can't live without having at least one person I can turn to. I'm done living. If there is never another post on this blog, you now know why.

Now my abusive mom just came up and started talking about how she wanted to help me with a few things "because I love you". Load of BS. If you loved me you wouldn't have neglected me as a child and still abuse me to this day. This is too much.

In some ways, writing this all out makes me feel better, but at the same time it doesn't. Oh well, at least my thoughts are out there for once.

Lord, why won't you just let me die? WHY DOES NO ONE CARE???

P.S. I was reading an article on attachment styles and found out I'm ambivalent/anxious. I'm fucked.

http://healingtraumacenter.com/attachment-styles-2/

One last thing, one of the worst things is knowing that I gave these friends a link to this blog, thinking they cared and would read. Maybe they are reading, but they don't care enough to reach out. For all you motherfuckers who may ask "why don't you reach out"? I have, and they don't respond. I'm done. Fuck them and this world. Why God won't you provide me with a real friend? Do you even care?

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