Fear to transition

I need to transition. I know that. My dysphoria is so bad that I can't pay attention to anything else. I can't move on with life until I do. Thing is, I actually survived "transition or die". Yay right? Nor really, let me tell you what happens when you pass that successfully. You die inside. I honestly feel like a zombie right now, one who kept their intelligence. I may be physically alive, but every other aspect of me has been brutally murdered. I feel paralyzed. Numb. Life doesn't really have any meaning. There doesn't seem to be any hope. I don't know what I 'm living for. I don't have a family who loves me or friends who actually care about me. My church is trying to pretend that I don't exist. I don't have a romantic partner. I don't have a career I'm going for or trying to advance. I just don't see any hope or reason to live. I don't have anything or anyone who depends on me to live, I'm not wanted or needed by anyone. I'm useless to this world.

So, going back to earlier, why don't I transition despite knowing that I need to and being dead inside because of it? Because of fear. My parents hate the fact that I'm trans. My extended family and best friend openly hate LGBT people. I have no support. If I transition, like it is now, I'd kill myself. If I don't transition, I'll almost certainly at some point kill myself. No matter what, I die. Is this all God put me on this Earth for? If it isn't, He needs to show me quickly. It feels like I was created specifically to suffer.

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