Ramblings of a Transgender Christian

So, I’m less than three months away from (hopefully) transitioning. Now, all I can think is, “is this really me?” “Can I really be a woman?” “Am I really a woman?” “What if I’m wrong?” “What if being trans really is a sin and I’m just twisting the Bible to justify my lifestyle?” “Maybe I’m not really a woman” “Maybe I’m not made out for this,” “I can’t really do this.” So, yeah, lots of doubting and second-guessing now that this is getting legit real.

I've had it with these hypocrites. I'm talking about the tucute community. They love to complain and talk about how us transmeds "gatekeep" and "discriminate," then why the fuck does every trans resource out there openly discriminate against transmeds? Why do they LITERALLY gatekeep against us? No transmed has actually prevented anyone from getting help, in fact, we ENCOURAGE people to get help. Do you know who's preventing people from getting help? TUCUTES, by literally saying that if you're transmed you're not allowed to get help there. Literally almost every trans resource I've gone to for help says transmeds are not allowed. Therefore, I continually get blocked from resources I genuinely need. No transmed keeps people from getting the resources others need, we promote help and finding it. And then there's the tucutes who love to claim that they want tolerance, resources for everyone, no gatekeeping, no discrimination, etc. and yet all...

As soon as I came to the realization earlier this morning that I’m just a horrible child and that I should just be what my parents want, their perfect servant son, I felt so much better. I’ve fought all these years against that, and made my life so much more miserable. Trying to be their independent daughter. Now, I’m devoting my life to being their servant son, as they wanted. That’s why they never loved me before, how could they? All I did was rebel against them, afterall, they brought me into this world so I could be that. Maybe now they will finally love and care about me.

I'm done with it all. First off, I'm sick and tired of people telling me that things are "going to be allright" and things will eventually get better, and someday I'll look back at this as a nightmare. How do you know? How do you know that things will? Answer: you don't. You're saying this to make yourself feel better, because all it takes is an internet search to quickly prove that things don't always get better, in fact, they often get worse. Things don't always get better, especially if you have no skills, are literally incapable of living on your own, you're impulsive, you're irresponsible, and have a terrible reputation for how immature you are. My parents will always own my ass because I can't escape from them. I know nothing about the real world. Working at Salvation Army has taught me that, don't get me wrong, I know about the really horrible things of the world like human trafficking, people who steal, kill, drug abuse and ...

Honestly, the worst part of my whole, horrific situation is knowing that I can't save myself. I've tried for years now, and I only just keep getting beat down. Every time I think I know how to get out, I find out something else and realize I can't get out that way, I'm incapable. I'm screwed. There is no getting out for me on my own. I am not able to get out of this situation without putting myself in a worse situation, which is running away. I have nowhere to run to. All I'd be doing is screwing myself over even worse. I hate that. I want to save myself, but I can't. I'm unable. Then, there's the knowledge that no one can save me. There's no one who would. I'm trapped. My being born was a horrible mistake, and my entire life has been nothing but mistakes. That's all I am and ever will be, a mistake. A big, horrible, disgusting mistake. I'm not worth a thing in this world. No one cares about me or ever could. I'm too unlikeable. T...

So, I was originally going to post this on a certain Discord server, before realizing that there was probably nothing that any of them could do, and then I thought maybe I should post it on Reddit, before realizing it didn't fit in with any of the communities. So, I'm stumped. I guess I'll post this here. This is my last cry for help. "So, I'm new here, and I'm not sure if I'm even putting this in the right channel, but it seems like it is, so I'm posting this here. Anyway, so if you didn't see me in introductions, I'm Anna, pre-HRT MTF who is 21 and from Ft. Wayne, IN. Now that we got that out of the way, on to the main course: So, my parents are extremely abusive. They have been my entire life. They literally only had me and my younger sisters so that they looked good to their Christian conservative friends. They view us as programmable robots, robots to be programmed to do one thing and one thing only, make them look good. We are not humans...

Ok, I know that this is kind of a big departure from my normal material on this blog, but I want to dive into some political theory. I love politics, outside of history, economics, and psychology it's what I've studied the most of. There's a genuine science to politics, and that science seems to be lost to most today, including most career politicians, which is a shame, as it's rather important, and to be honest, a rather beautiful study. So, as you can tell from the title, I am discussing today why the right cannot beat the left. To explain why, we have to do something first, destroy our current view of political sides. Currently we view political viewpoints as a dichotomy, but I believe this to be the wrong way to look at it, it's not accurate. Instead, we should look at it as a triangle. Yes, it's far more complex, but it reflects reality, which is, complicated. So, now, let's break down this triangle. It would take too long and completely derail t...

So, I've pretty much given up on life. I'm done really fighting. I'm done striving for a better life. I'm done fighting for transition. I'm just ready to die. I just want relief. Life's never going to get better. Let's say somehow I'm able to escape my parents. I'm going to either end up in some shithole to live in on the bad end of town because that's all I can afford or end up sleeping in my car, which is most likely as I'm not responsible at all. Then, I know I should cut off my parents completely, but if I do, there's no support base I have at all. I have no friends. No one in real life likes me. I'm annoying, immature, cynical, really loud, etc. Seriously, I have a horrible reputation. It's obvious that I never grew up. I'm stuck as a child. I try to grow up and act like an adult, but when I do it only makes things worse because I have no idea what I'm doing. When someone tries to befriend me or help me out I just end...

(WARNING: Potentially triggering content, strong language) I've fucking had it. I can't take it any fucking more. Last Friday, I completely lost the ability to cope with my parents abuse. I had an hour-long mental breakdown at my library job that day along with a panic attack. I could not handle it whatsoever, and it never got better. Over the weekend I had several breakdowns and near-breakdowns. Then Monday came around. It was about 8 AM and I was at the library in the children's area shelving children's chapter books, then an urge I had only ever felt once and that one time it hadn't been all that bad so I didn't do it happened. The urge to self-harm. Previously, the only urge I had ever felt was to kill myself, and for the most part, I've learned to cope with that. This is a different urge. And it was really, really, strong, like, uncontrollably strong. So, I harmed myself right there and then. After I finished, I collapsed. Everyone was up at the front...

So, I've lately been thinking about what some early signs would have been that I'm trans. Like, are there early indicators? Well, thinking back and unblocking some memories has made me realize, yes, there are some. In addition, I'll be discussing other forms of dysphoria that I forgot about, symptoms NOT related to early childhood. Now, full warning, this is NOT safe for work, and does contain stuff about sexual body parts. So, the first thing I can remember off the top of my head was wanting to invert my penis into my body as a toddler. Long before I even knew that girls had a vagina. Yeah, I remember trying stuff my penis inside my body, before chickening out because I was scared about how I would then pee. But, I always wanted a smooth crotch, and knew I didn't want my penis. Once again, this is before I learned about the female vagina, so there is no other reason other than my female brain knowing what should be there, even if I didn't myself and thus, acting ...