Ramblings of a Transgender Christian

To those I know in real life and online, I want to apologize. I want to apologize for how self-absorbed I am. I want to apologize for how attention seeking I am. I want to apologize for how depressing I am. I want to apologize for how I burden you with my problems. I want to apologize for how I push you all away, either by being too clingy or by being generally unpleasant or by straight-out ignoring you. I know I am an unpleasant person to be around, I am about as far removed from being a person you want to hang-out with as you can get. I am sorry. I want you all to know, I am trying. I know it often, ok, probably all the time, looks like I'm not, and I'm just oblivious to my behavior. Honestly, there are some things I am probably oblivious to, and even more than that, I admit, often times, while I'm in the act of doing so, I am oblivious to how my actions and words come across. Other times, I do know how they're coming across, but I cannot stop myself, due to how ing

What is it that every therapist, and then every single person because of them telling people that they should open up to others, stop doing things on their own, you know, get help, especially if you're mentally ill. Well, this past year, I have been doing that. And do you know what I've learned? It's not worth it. All it does is create more problems and bring you down even more. I've opened up my soul, my heart to others. I've let others know what it is I've been through and am going through. I've texted people when feeling suicidal. All that's happened is me feeling even worse and more horrible at the end of it all. All I've learned is that it's not worth it. My mental health has only gotten worse when sharing my burdens with others. So, what I'm saying is, I'm done doing that. This blog will be my sole outlet for my burdens, as people are incapable of helping me at all. I've already cut my mental ties loose with everyone I used to s

So, I’m less than three months away from (hopefully) transitioning. Now, all I can think is, “is this really me?” “Can I really be a woman?” “Am I really a woman?” “What if I’m wrong?” “What if being trans really is a sin and I’m just twisting the Bible to justify my lifestyle?” “Maybe I’m not really a woman” “Maybe I’m not made out for this,” “I can’t really do this.” So, yeah, lots of doubting and second-guessing now that this is getting legit real.

I've had it with these hypocrites. I'm talking about the tucute community. They love to complain and talk about how us transmeds "gatekeep" and "discriminate," then why the fuck does every trans resource out there openly discriminate against transmeds? Why do they LITERALLY gatekeep against us? No transmed has actually prevented anyone from getting help, in fact, we ENCOURAGE people to get help. Do you know who's preventing people from getting help? TUCUTES, by literally saying that if you're transmed you're not allowed to get help there. Literally almost every trans resource I've gone to for help says transmeds are not allowed. Therefore, I continually get blocked from resources I genuinely need. No transmed keeps people from getting the resources others need, we promote help and finding it. And then there's the tucutes who love to claim that they want tolerance, resources for everyone, no gatekeeping, no discrimination, etc. and yet all

As soon as I came to the realization earlier this morning that I’m just a horrible child and that I should just be what my parents want, their perfect servant son, I felt so much better. I’ve fought all these years against that, and made my life so much more miserable. Trying to be their independent daughter. Now, I’m devoting my life to being their servant son, as they wanted. That’s why they never loved me before, how could they? All I did was rebel against them, afterall, they brought me into this world so I could be that. Maybe now they will finally love and care about me.

I'm done with it all. First off, I'm sick and tired of people telling me that things are "going to be allright" and things will eventually get better, and someday I'll look back at this as a nightmare. How do you know? How do you know that things will? Answer: you don't. You're saying this to make yourself feel better, because all it takes is an internet search to quickly prove that things don't always get better, in fact, they often get worse. Things don't always get better, especially if you have no skills, are literally incapable of living on your own, you're impulsive, you're irresponsible, and have a terrible reputation for how immature you are. My parents will always own my ass because I can't escape from them. I know nothing about the real world. Working at Salvation Army has taught me that, don't get me wrong, I know about the really horrible things of the world like human trafficking, people who steal, kill, drug abuse and