Ramblings of a Transgender Christian

Allright, so all of you know, I'm finally past that really dark spot I was in a week ago. No longer suicidal. So, praise God for that. Second, I'm changing my name. I'm pre-transition who isn't even out to most people who know me yet, so I'm allowed to do it. My name is Anna, and in a few days my blog and Twitter will change to reflect that. The name "Nicole" was a great placeholder name, but seeing that my male name is Nicholas, it would be too easy to guess my male name and make it easier for my family and friends to see me when I'm transitioning as "Nick pretending to be a girl " rather than as a girl. Planning another post on this to go more in-depth, but I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Finally, a quick prayer request, if you would (mainly for the few reading this who know me in real life), please pray that I find a job, it's been more than a month, and I'm running out of money quickly.

I'm dead inside. I'm so dead inside that literally the only reason that I haven't killed myself yet is because of how dead I am on the inside. I'm already dead, so what's the point? I need help. Why won't anyone listen?

Ok, I need to revisit the "lack of friends" thing. I know this probably doesn't make for good blog material, but this blog is my therapy, since I don't have anyone I can go to, so I'm ranting about it more here. Anyway, since I really didn't have friends growing up, I never learned how to deal with losing friends or fake friends as a kid. Now I'm an adult who has no one to go to for help figuring basic stuff like this out. The knowledge that they're fake friends is eating me alive. I want to die because of it. Because of them I will never trust again. I let my walls fall down for them, because it's supposedly what's healthy. They were my last shot at trusting anyone. Fuck this world. I'd rather die than trust again. I can't take anymore pain. The only comfort I have anymore are the Psalms written about false friends. I confronted one of the fake friends, and they claimed they weren't, and came up with good reasons. I believed them...

I need to transition. I know that. My dysphoria is so bad that I can't pay attention to anything else. I can't move on with life until I do. Thing is, I actually survived "transition or die". Yay right? Nor really, let me tell you what happens when you pass that successfully. You die inside. I honestly feel like a zombie right now, one who kept their intelligence. I may be physically alive, but every other aspect of me has been brutally murdered. I feel paralyzed. Numb. Life doesn't really have any meaning. There doesn't seem to be any hope. I don't know what I 'm living for. I don't have a family who loves me or friends who actually care about me. My church is trying to pretend that I don't exist. I don't have a romantic partner. I don't have a career I'm going for or trying to advance. I just don't see any hope or reason to live. I don't have anything or anyone who depends on me to live, I'm not wanted or needed by any...

So, last Sunday my pastor preached a sermon that actually stuck with me  (normally I forget what he said the moment the last word is out). He was preaching on praying effectively. Basically, stop these weak little "Lord, if you'd be so kind, you know, if it's in your will..." prayers. Tell Him with boldness your requests, treat Him for what He is, creator of the universe! The only one who can do literally anything  (but sin)! That said, be sure to thank Him in everything, even for the bad stuff. I took this sermon to heart, and tried it out. I directly told the Lord that I couldn't continue living depressed and suicidal anymore, and know what? He delivered me from them! Now, that said, I do feel the depression constantly trying to come back, and when it does, I pray, then thank God for whatever I can think of and/or sing praises to the Lord. Thank you God for convicting me of this.

Today it's become quite clear. I have no friends. No one cares about me at all. My parents are abusive, my siblings are willfully ignorant and have never been supportive of me in anything. I have never really had friends. Ok, I've had a few, but was never able to get past surface level thanks to me having to hide the fact that I'm trans. This year, I came out to a lot of people, and a few in particular were very supportive. Now, let me take a quick step back. In my real life, I'm known as "the funny guy". Today, it's truly hit me that's the only reason anyone ever liked me at all in the first place. The moment these few people who seemed supportive found out that I have problems, and really am human, they lost all respect for me. I was their pity case. The person they used to make themselves feel good. The mask has finally dropped. I don't know if I can continue to live knowing I'm incapable of having friends (or knowing anyone who could ever c...