Beliefs and Self Denial

I've been contemplating my past this week and I've thought a lot about how I used to constantly deny how I felt about things, not just to others, but to myself as well. 

After thinking about it I've realized that I have still been denying many things about my thoughts, feelings and desires.

I asked myself the question: why is it hard to admit the truth about how I feel about things?  I've realized the reason:  it is hard because of what I believe is right and what I believe is wrong.

It is difficult and often contrary to human nature to admit to ones self that we are doing something wrong in our own eyes.  It seems we can not be at peace with ourselves if we do not either stop doing what we see to be as wrong or change what we believe is wrong.

I find that the reason why I spent so much time denying my feelings is because I held a set of beliefs that constantly put me at odds with my own character.  These beliefs were founded on scriptural passages and the corresponding cultural interpretations of them and the beliefs and traditions of my church.

Here is a list of several of these beliefs:

• It is sin for men to wear women's clothing (Deuteronomy 22:5).
• It is sin for men to have long hair (1 Corinthians 11: 14).
• God created us male and female and we had our birth gender as spirits before our birth (Genesis 1: 27, Jeremiah 1: 5).
• It is sin for men to act like women in any way because women and men have distinct and separate roles (1 Timothy 2:11-15, 1 Peter 3:1-7, 1 Corinthians 14:33-38, 1 Corinthians 11:3-16. etc.).
• It is sin to alter one's genitalia (23: 1).

Yet at the same time I held these contradicting desires:

• I want to dress like a woman.
• I want long hair.
• The person I see myself as in my mind is primarily female.
• I have many naturally feminine desires, tenancies and qualities.  My likes, dislikes, behaviors and the way I think are more stereotypically female than male.
• I want to have a sex change and be a woman.

 How could I admit to myself that I wanted these things when I believed it was sin?  How could I want to sin if I love God with all my heart and desire to follow him?  I just could not admit these things about myself because I wanted to be a righteous follower of God and having these desires and qualities made me a sinner--and I did not want to be a sinner.

I wonder how often all of us refuse to be honest about our desires, feelings and even actions because they are contrary to our belief systems.

After much soul searching I have changed my belief system somewhat

• It is okay for men to wear women's clothes as long as they are modest and are not worn to arouse one's self inappropriately.  (This is based on the fact that the scripture in Deuteronomy is given in part of the law of Moses that outlines many principles which are no longer observed because of their lack of utility and the fulfillment of the law in Christ.  I figure since we can wear fabric blends now (prohibited in the next few verses )then why should we adhere to this law?  Also, God told me himself that he doesn't really care about it).
• It is okay for men to have long hair if they want to (this is based on the fact that many men in scripture were praised for having long hair:  Judges 16:17, 2 Kings 1:8, 2 Samuel 14:25-26, Leviticus 19:27, John the Baptist and Jesus even had long hair according to tradition).
• There is absolutely nothing wrong with men acting in stereotypically feminine ways and doing stereotypically feminine things so long as those things are wholesome and decent.  (I don't really have any particular scripture to back this up, but here's an example that lead me to believe this:  think about the qualities Jesus had and compare them to the stereotypical male of our day.  They don't line up so well.  Jesus had long hair.  He wore dresses.  He spent every moment of his life in compassionate service to others.  He is gentle.  He is kind.  He is loving.  He loves teaching, helping, and blessing little children.  He is forgiving.  He was an extremely social person and spent a lot of time attending social events and talking with others.  He sacrificed His life for His loves ones (us).  Jesus was a really touchy-feely person.  Yeah these are all great qualities for men to have, but they are more stereotypically feminine in the US culture today.
• Okay so have my beliefs changed about that last point.  Well, I'll probably need more than a bullet point to explain that.

So ever since I can remember I have not felt good at all about being male.  It has never felt right at all to me.  I remember having nightmares about my penis as a small child.  When I first heard of SRS (sex change surgery) I was about the age of six, and ever since then I wished I could have it.  I didn't have any dolls as a child, but I did have stuffed animals and I gave them names and dressed them in my old clothes an played with them like dolls.  I remember acting out countless scenarios with them--living my life through them in a way--and several of those scenarios included one of my stuffed animals ending up having a sex change.

At an early age I learned to try to hide my feminine tenancies because of the ridicule I had received from just trying to be myself really.  And as I grew up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints I quickly realized that boys had to do things a certain way and girls had to do things a certain way and that was that.  I learned that gender is an eternal thing--which meant that I was a boy before I was born and that I'm stuck being male for the rest of eternity.  Later I learned that if a member of my church does have a sex change they are excommunicated.  Inherent in all of this is the belief that changing one's sex is an abominable sin. How would it be possible for me to believe otherwise.

Throughout my entire life I have tried to convince myself that I don't want SRS--that I don't want to be a woman.  But no matter how hard I try--no matter how hard I pray, fast, study, serve other, etc.  I can't seem to get rid of this desire.  I can't seem to ever feel right about being male.

The policies and doctrines of my church still indicate to me fairly clearly that it is not something God approves of.

At this point I hate to finally say it.  I've always felt this way.  I'm just being honest with myself now.  I wish God didn't mind.  I wish my church didn't mind.  I wish I could finally find some way to be at peace with my body at least in this life.  I wish I could feel good about getting a sex change without feeling rejected by my family, my colleagues, my church and my God.  But I can't.

I don't know how I'm going to handle dealing with my life right now.  I don't know how I can deal with being a man for eternity.  I've always been female in my mind.  Is the person I see myself as going to magically change when I die?  And somehow Jesus is going to just make me okay with being a man and if that is the case who will I be then--will I be someone I never even knew in this life?  I don't want to be someone else and I don't see any solution to this.

It seams no matter where I end up after this life I will end up in hell.  How can I be in heaven if I can never be myself?  How can I ever be in heaven if I am stuck being a man forever.

I hate to think this way.  I really do, but were is the answer to my dilemma?

I don't want to be a sinner.  I don't want to be evil.  I don't want to lose my loved ones, and I don't want to go to hell.  I want to serve God and love Him with all my heart, might, mind and strength.  But I just want to be and feel like a whole person.